To think my mum was ridiculous about a slice of pie

[BeachPossum]

My son and I made a beautiful rhubarb and strawberry pie a couple of days ago, and I shared a photo of it on our family WhatsApp (parents, siblings and partners).

Yesterday afternoon my mum dropped by unexpectedly after visiting a friend nearby. I offered her a cup of tea and a biscuit and she said 'oh no, I'll have a slice of that lovely pie'. I said 'oh sorry! It's all been eaten', to which she responded with the most exaggerated display of astonishment and surprise. She kept saying 'REALLY! A whole pie in ONE DAY?', saying it would have done her and my dad for a week, we must have had huge slices etc. She made five or six comments in total.

The first time she commented I told her my in laws had been over so between them and us we'd eaten five slices, then my husband had had another piece in the afternoon following a 55km bike ride, and then the three of us had had a piece for morning coffee that day, totalling 9 slices of a normal sized pie. Not a crazy amount. Then when she kept on going on about it I tried to brush it off and move on, before eventually snapping at her to stop talking about food and appetites in front of my young children, at which point she left in a huff. She has texted me this morning to let me know she's hurt, she was just surprised, and that she wasn't saying anything inappropriate in front of the children.

She has absolute form for this. She's one of those people who always has to have the smallest appetite in the room, loves talking about meals she's forgotten to eat, loves refusing food. I was stunned she asked for a slice of pie in the first place since ninety nine times out of a hundred she refuses anything I offer her and makes a point of telling me she's totally full after a huge breakfast of one blini and a quail's egg. She's permanently on a diet, obsessed with food but never eats any, thinks that thinness is next to godliness etc. I've learned to live with it but I'll be damned if me and my children will accept being treated as revolting gluttons for eating two slices of pie over two days.

Anyway, the dilemma. She's incredibly defensive and will go nuclear if I try and get her to take any accountability. I swallow a lot of her shit for the sake of family harmony, and I'm at peace with this because she and I now have a very superficial relationship and I let her crap wash over me. But it's going to get to the point of affecting my children and when that happens I'll have to intervene and accept the fallout. So what do I say to her now? She's expecting an apology from me for snapping and reassurance that she's a lovely mother and granny who was treated unfairly. Do I:

1. Give her an insincere apology to get her to fuck off and leave me alone
2. text something very neutral like 'let's not row over pie' and hope she drops it
3. tell her she was being ridiculous and that it's part of a wider pattern of behaviour that I won't tolerate in front of my kids, and deal with whatever histrionics and drama follows
4. other suggestions welcome

Nice

I'd go with option 2. She sounds just like my mother, and so I'm confident in saying she'll never change. My mother used to make a huge exhibition of having tiny portions, but would then have extras or scrape the dish at the end of the meal. I still remember the comments on the size of the meals I served ('All that? No wonder you've got a weight problem' was a particularly barbed one). Honestly, she is what she is, just try not to let it get to you.

That’s very sweet of you to say, thank you. My mother and I had a difficult, uncomfortable relationship until the last few years and food was in fact an issue in that she would refer to me “struggling with my weight” which I never have … the progression of her dementia has in her case meant all that has fallen away and we enjoy a better relationship than we ever did! Sometimes there’s a bright side to dementia 😊

That's really interesting @Flamingfelinethe people I have known with dementia almost became more themselves, like the filters had gone. A friend's mum is currently saying really nasty judgemental things but she was always an bit like that, she just held there tongue more.

That often happens, doesn’t it, and we had a difficult couple of years when mum became very nasty towards me in particular. Somehow we weathered the storm and now, like her own mother at the same age and stage of dementia, she’s settled into a very happy little bubbie. Her link worker has said it’s unlikely she’ll revert back at this stage. We’ve been lucky! (Sorry for any derail OP)!

There were so many women who loved showing off about their slim figures and trying to make normal women feel like gluttons in the recent past, things are so much better now, well said.
my MIL is the same, but she is very fat, and scoffs cakes when she thinks nobody knows!

I what universe does a pie (or a crumble) last more than one day????????????

Not in this house.