To think my mum was ridiculous about a slice of pie

[BeachPossum]

My son and I made a beautiful rhubarb and strawberry pie a couple of days ago, and I shared a photo of it on our family WhatsApp (parents, siblings and partners).

Yesterday afternoon my mum dropped by unexpectedly after visiting a friend nearby. I offered her a cup of tea and a biscuit and she said 'oh no, I'll have a slice of that lovely pie'. I said 'oh sorry! It's all been eaten', to which she responded with the most exaggerated display of astonishment and surprise. She kept saying 'REALLY! A whole pie in ONE DAY?', saying it would have done her and my dad for a week, we must have had huge slices etc. She made five or six comments in total.

The first time she commented I told her my in laws had been over so between them and us we'd eaten five slices, then my husband had had another piece in the afternoon following a 55km bike ride, and then the three of us had had a piece for morning coffee that day, totalling 9 slices of a normal sized pie. Not a crazy amount. Then when she kept on going on about it I tried to brush it off and move on, before eventually snapping at her to stop talking about food and appetites in front of my young children, at which point she left in a huff. She has texted me this morning to let me know she's hurt, she was just surprised, and that she wasn't saying anything inappropriate in front of the children.

She has absolute form for this. She's one of those people who always has to have the smallest appetite in the room, loves talking about meals she's forgotten to eat, loves refusing food. I was stunned she asked for a slice of pie in the first place since ninety nine times out of a hundred she refuses anything I offer her and makes a point of telling me she's totally full after a huge breakfast of one blini and a quail's egg. She's permanently on a diet, obsessed with food but never eats any, thinks that thinness is next to godliness etc. I've learned to live with it but I'll be damned if me and my children will accept being treated as revolting gluttons for eating two slices of pie over two days.

Anyway, the dilemma. She's incredibly defensive and will go nuclear if I try and get her to take any accountability. I swallow a lot of her shit for the sake of family harmony, and I'm at peace with this because she and I now have a very superficial relationship and I let her crap wash over me. But it's going to get to the point of affecting my children and when that happens I'll have to intervene and accept the fallout. So what do I say to her now? She's expecting an apology from me for snapping and reassurance that she's a lovely mother and granny who was treated unfairly. Do I:

1. Give her an insincere apology to get her to fuck off and leave me alone
2. text something very neutral like 'let's not row over pie' and hope she drops it
3. tell her she was being ridiculous and that it's part of a wider pattern of behaviour that I won't tolerate in front of my kids, and deal with whatever histrionics and drama follows
4. other suggestions welcome

This is so true. Also that deep down her anger is because she was not included in the pie event. It can be both control and misguided attachment issues.

Far from 'snide', I'm saying very directly that you need to let this go.

You're having weekly therapy which must be costing you a fortune.

I don't think rehashing this massive story about a pie and your mother's attitude towards it, is going to do anything except make you even more exhausted.

But I'll bow out now as you're obviously not open to anyone who doesn't agree with you.

I would make her a big fat lardass pie and take it round.... "Sorry mum, you anorexic pain in the ass... here is a pie... "

Apologising tells her that she was right and should repeat the behaviour. Don't do that. I'd tell her that you feel very strongly about raising your kids with healthy attitudes to food and bodies and you're careful what you and others say around them as a result. Tell her you don't want to fight with her and you'd appreciate if she was more mindful of this going forwards so there's no more tension and you can all move on.

Ultimately op, you can't expect her to hold a boundary you haven't clearly told her exists. But once you do it's up to you to hold it. My mum is exactly like this. I told her very explicitly that I wasn't tolerating it any more and will shut her down any time she does it going forwards and I did. At the time it was really tough but overall it improved the relationship because guess what, she learnt. People who do this don't do it because they don't know better, they do it because they get away with it and there are no consequences.

I also think others need to understand on this thread that it's not just about a one off comment about pie. It's a repetitive and toxic pattern of behaviour that has probably been quite detrimental to you in the past. So it's not about pie at all, it's about protecting your kids from unhealthy messages and narcissistic behaviour.

And reading my earlier responses, particularly my second one, I was blunter than was called for, actually I was distracted and only wrote half of what I intended to.

My apologies, there is a lot going on with your mum, it is a difficult situation, and you deserved more than "don't let her speak to you like that" which is how I came off.

That is just breath-takingly fucking rude @Rh0dedenr0n 😳did you or your DH ever confront them about it?

Reading your OP and further updates @BeachPossum, your DM has some jealousy issues, none of which are of your making. You're doing 'you' and she, for some reason, can't cope with it.

Personally, I'd text her back and say something like 'You're hurt!? What about me and my feelings Mum? You hurt me when you constantly snipe about what me and my family eat so best just stop it.' And accept it's the nuclear option.

Sounds like you're treading on eggshells and still not managing to please her OP. You have to ask yourself 'When will I ever be good enough for her?' Answer: You won't. And, in no way, will that be your fault. It's hers.

Plus, I'd bake another pie and drop it round with a note 'so you don't feel left out'. Just don't bake one with mushrooms in 😉

Three it is then. When do these golden years happen by the way?

you sounded understanding, not blunt! It was very helpful

Ha! That made me laugh, thank you!

I'd do nothing. It doesn't warrant any kind of onward communication. Whatever you say will invoke a response, and so it all starts again.

If absolutely pushed (by her), I'd say I'm not discussing that.

Its like the old saying "if you always do what you've always done, you will always get what you've always got"
or the more direct version "Ultimate madness is doing the same thing and expecting a different result"
Your choice OP.

@ipmIs actually on your side.
When you’re in the FOG, it’s very difficult.
My mum was on constant diets.
It messes with your head.
my sister is over weight and I am skinny.
it’s took a long time but I do have a very healthy relationship with food.
And so do my kids.
Your mum has an eating disorder and you won’t change her.

If you told your mum that your MIL was the mother you wish you'd had, what would her response be? Is she delusional enough to think that she was a kind and loving mum to you? I think she needs a wake-up call about her parenting and relationship with you and if she takes offence and refuses to see you any more, I'd take that as a win. Think how peaceful your life would be.

My Dad was like this. Every single time I saw him he mentioned that he hadn’t eaten all day, obsessed with weight and other people’s weight. He died unexpectedly and I think his diet contributed (ate crisps and bread every night because he was likely starving from not eating all day, never at veg etc and had a type of heart attack and had diabetes) I never told him how I felt about his comments or diet and I have no regrets.

If it were me I would send one that says ‘I don’t want to fall out’ but I wouldn’t be saying sorry because you’ve done nothing wrong.

She's clearly suffering from ED, or disordered eating at least.

I think you just have to tell her you will not be discussing food, diets, what others are eating whatsoever in her company. That you think she is triggering herself by constantly obsessing and you won't have any part of it. And you won't let her influence your children to have this unhealthy attitude.

3

OP, she's toxic. You are in therapy weekly because of her.
Keep her the hell away from your children.
I have older teen daughters and the food issues among young girls are huge.
Thankfully my daughters are like their dad and tall and naturally slim, love their food, but I know even they watch their it.
I am all about healthy eating and say nothing bar those bloody energy drinks that my university children use at times.

Come the teen years, you cannot allow her to speak about food like that.

Rubarb and strawberry is a match made in heaven.
I made a large deep tray bake of rubarb, strawberry with grated white chocolate on top as a light icing effect last week.

It was incredible. My children arrived in as it was coming out of the oven.
Each had an enormous slice as did my husband with ice-cream.
There was a corner left an hour later.
Home baking is like that.
It is to be enjoyed and savoured.
Do not allow this woman spoil that for you or your children.

Long after you are gone, their memories of your baking will be a wonderful touchstone of you.

Well done for getting therapy.

You could have turned to the children and said "Oh no! Poor Nanny was really looking forward to the pie and we've run out. We'll have to make another one, won't we?"

Acknowledge her disappointment, keep it light, move on.

I'd go for the second option.

But sympathy OP, my mum also has a disordered relationship with food but in her case she's a feeder while eating barely anything herself (as in she always has cake in and insists that I have a piece, I generally say ok but just a wee slice. She serves me up a massive slab with ice cream while having a teeny sliver herself. Then tries to force seconds on me).

I wouldn't mind so much if she didn't then make comments about how much weight I've put on, and maybe I should cut back on the cake (I am actually not overweight, just not as skinny as she is!)

Honestly don't let her weird relationship with food affect your kids. I was bulimic for much of my 20s due to my mum's comments and feeder tendencies

It is possible (takes hard work and time) to accept that she’s not the mum you need/needed. Just to give you hope!!

I now observe mine a bit like a science experiment , it’s helpful.

my mum hates fat people, especially nurses. An apparently overweight nurse dared to talk to her about her cholesterol. I did suggest that, as that was her job what was she supposed to do?

This!! Just apologise and forget the whole thing.

Definitely 3. I have to reprimand my mother frequently for this behavior in front of my children

No, she shouldn't let it go. OP is working on these kind of issues with her therapist.
I did the same with mine.
We even did role play.

So no, OP shouldn't let it go, in my opinion.

Keep working on it OP x

Strawberry and Rhubarb?? (misses point totally). I like rhubarb and strawerry but never thought of them as together flavours!

Since food is A Thing in your family, might I gently suggest you don’t have it as a topic of conversation? No sharing of pictures of delicious cooking, no discussing what you ate at the restaurant, no wondering about the menu for Christmas. Everything about consuming food has the potential to upset you, so talk about the weather instead…