To think my mum was ridiculous about a slice of pie

[BeachPossum]

My son and I made a beautiful rhubarb and strawberry pie a couple of days ago, and I shared a photo of it on our family WhatsApp (parents, siblings and partners).

Yesterday afternoon my mum dropped by unexpectedly after visiting a friend nearby. I offered her a cup of tea and a biscuit and she said 'oh no, I'll have a slice of that lovely pie'. I said 'oh sorry! It's all been eaten', to which she responded with the most exaggerated display of astonishment and surprise. She kept saying 'REALLY! A whole pie in ONE DAY?', saying it would have done her and my dad for a week, we must have had huge slices etc. She made five or six comments in total.

The first time she commented I told her my in laws had been over so between them and us we'd eaten five slices, then my husband had had another piece in the afternoon following a 55km bike ride, and then the three of us had had a piece for morning coffee that day, totalling 9 slices of a normal sized pie. Not a crazy amount. Then when she kept on going on about it I tried to brush it off and move on, before eventually snapping at her to stop talking about food and appetites in front of my young children, at which point she left in a huff. She has texted me this morning to let me know she's hurt, she was just surprised, and that she wasn't saying anything inappropriate in front of the children.

She has absolute form for this. She's one of those people who always has to have the smallest appetite in the room, loves talking about meals she's forgotten to eat, loves refusing food. I was stunned she asked for a slice of pie in the first place since ninety nine times out of a hundred she refuses anything I offer her and makes a point of telling me she's totally full after a huge breakfast of one blini and a quail's egg. She's permanently on a diet, obsessed with food but never eats any, thinks that thinness is next to godliness etc. I've learned to live with it but I'll be damned if me and my children will accept being treated as revolting gluttons for eating two slices of pie over two days.

Anyway, the dilemma. She's incredibly defensive and will go nuclear if I try and get her to take any accountability. I swallow a lot of her shit for the sake of family harmony, and I'm at peace with this because she and I now have a very superficial relationship and I let her crap wash over me. But it's going to get to the point of affecting my children and when that happens I'll have to intervene and accept the fallout. So what do I say to her now? She's expecting an apology from me for snapping and reassurance that she's a lovely mother and granny who was treated unfairly. Do I:

1. Give her an insincere apology to get her to fuck off and leave me alone
2. text something very neutral like 'let's not row over pie' and hope she drops it
3. tell her she was being ridiculous and that it's part of a wider pattern of behaviour that I won't tolerate in front of my kids, and deal with whatever histrionics and drama follows
4. other suggestions welcome

I would make another pie and drop it over to her house and then I'd message her a couple of hours later to ask whether she's eaten it.

Then if she replies "Not yet" or "It's too big for me", I would tell her that your and your DS slaved over that pie and you're so hurt and upset that she hasn't enjoyed it as you intended her to.

Then I'd message her three times a day for the next few days demanding to know if she's finished the pie because you'd absolutely hate for any of it to go to waste after all your hard work.

Hopefully she'll never mention pie again.

jesus christ. How the hell did you not punch your FIL?! 😂what horrible toxic people. 😑

I like this approach.

I agree with everyone else that your mother has a disordered approach to food and I suspect, as you do, that she is also quite jealous of your relationship with your MIL.

Sometimes we say “speak to the affect” —that is speak directly to the underlying feeling behind the words. The underlying feeling behind the interaction was that she wanted to feel part of your intimate family moment and be offered pie/love. She would not have been able to fully enjoy it because it would have kicked off her ED part which is super critical of her wanting food/closeness. But part of her did want it.

I don’t think she can handle her own confused feelings so its not a conversation you can have, exactly. You are not her mother so its not on you to manage for her. But she is very emotionally immature and can’t handle feelings of regret, exclusion, and loss.

“Nice to see you. Next time let me know you want pie and I will save you some.”

This says “you didn’t fatally destroy our relationship. You still matter. The door is open” but also is not an apology.

@BeachPossum she sounds like an PITA, my paternal grandfather is the same drives the whole family bonkers with his incessant wittering about food and portion size.

Personally I would go for secret option 5

Invite mother round for pie, bash her over the head with a saucepan and bake her in one instead. Serve with gravy, not custard of course.

I would

I agree here and think IPM is being very rude and lacking any understanding

Far from not wanting to hear from those who disagree, OP has asked you several times to talk her through what you would do and rather than engaging positively, you’ve snidely said ‘you already have’. I’m sorry but you haven’t.

OP did exactly what you suggested and her mother kept hen pecking at her. What exactly does ‘end of conversation look like??’. Do you change the subject (OP said she tried that), kick her DM out, tell her bluntly that the conversation is over (which she did so in snapping), ignore and don’t speak at all to her and stay in silence?

OP has said she’s in therapy and there are wider issues so passive aggressive replies really aren’t helpful.

OP-I have no advice but would love the recipe

Going nuclear is easy to suggest through a keyboard but seriously, life's too short for the drama.

I learned a long time ago to go for the 'I'm sorry you felt that way' option. The narcissist in them often just hears the 'apology' even though there wasn't actually one given.

I'm sorry your feelings were hurt mum. It's really important to me that we model good food habits and discussions in front of the kids so I'd just like to keep that kind of talk out of their earshot next time please. Anyway, what are you up to today?

Fake apology - state your position - distract like a toddler.

Text saying “I’m sorry mum, I did actually have pie left over when you came but I’ve noticed recently that your clothes are getting tighter so I didn’t want to give it to you and I know how much you love a treat. It’s for your own good, I’m sure you understand”.

They're the years when you pee yourself a lot, hence golden.

I think 3. Let’s be honest unless you bow down about everything then she won’t be happy. At least with 3 you can be more honest, (try) to shut her down more and hopefully she will learn her lesson a bit

Sending sympathy as your mum sounds quite like mine. Always picking about things (often stuff that’s none of her business or concern e.g. this pie!), is always right about everything even if she has no knowledge of it (her “insights” into childcare costs and rules is errrr interesting -especially as she never paid for childcare or worked in that area. That’s before you get to where l am going wrong with my diet / exercise / amount of make up l don’t wear etc

A therapist and people on here have suggested: books.google.co.uk/books/about/Adult_Children_of_Emotionally_Immature_P.html?id=-ZZGCQAAQBAJ&source=kp_book_description&redir_esc=y

I completely agree. She was rude asking for the pie before she started her theatrics about how greedy OP and her family must be.

I really feel for you op. It's a tricky situation. And as you said in one of your replies, it's not really about the pie.

personally I'd just not acknowledge her tantrum. Certainly not apologise. Just ignore.

but I understand that if you have a difficult relationship it's not that simple. But I do think j it's worth talking it through with your therapist and asking for them to help you with coping strategies when situations like this arise (you know they will again)

I think it's hard once we have our own children as we see how we want to parent and that can sometimes highlight poor relationships with our own parents.

I think she just really wanted a piece of that pie! Why not make one specially for her and your father? It would give them a happy week.😁

Perhaps consider creating a new WhatsApp group for each side of the family, rather than one for everyone? May reduce the jealousy issues (and allow you to make plans with nice ILs without your mom going nuts).

I appreciate that doesn't deal with the underlying issues, but having had a similar dynamic with my own mother it is EXHAUSTING. Reducing the number of interactions and thus the friction points can be very useful.

I think there is another option - modelling taking responsibility by taking accountability for anything you did which is less than ideal (snapping at her) but giving context and setting up what you need to happen. So something like;

Mum, I am sorry I snapped at you. That is not how I want to behave. But I also need to explain why it happened. After a series of comments which seemed to imply we were greedy or overeating, made in front of my children, I was angry what what was being said may make them have feelings about food which are unhealthy, and frustrated by what seemed to be criticism. Going forward, you are welcome to ask for any food you want, but you need to refrain from commenting if it is gone. How you approach food and eating is up to you, but it is not acceptable to me for you to comment on my eating or that of my family.

"I swallow a lot of her shit"

what an interesting phrase to use 😅

I think I'd go for a non-apology. Something like "I'm sorry if you feel hurt, but honestly, Mum, you just wouldn't leave the subject of the pie alone, there was nothing more I could usefully say about it, I tried six times to move the conversation on politely but you wouldn't have it. I know you feel there is nothing wrong with your attitude to food but please do accept at least that you might be mistaken on that".

Your mother should be apologising to you, esp as she unexpectedly turned up completely uninvited. She probably hates rhubarb anyway!

FFS it is NOT the generation!! I am around the same age as your Mum and can absolutely assure you of this.

Just tell her you'll save her a piece next time :)

You could be 'sorry' that she was disappointed perhaps. (A deliberate misunderstanding of the point of her performance of course.)

No apology needed beyond that.

You are right to keep her attitude to food and eating away from your children.
Teasing her about it might be the way. If not - avoiding food conversation - and carefully switching from it whenever it comes up. Have a set of other things to draw attention when she heads off on that route.

I'm very impressed that you got nine slices out of it, OP!
You obviously marketed it very well if your mum turned up dying to have some.
Just do a full-on pie face if she bangs on about it, or send her a pie chart. 😆
We had a Morrisons' apple crumble last night for 4, me and my son locusted our way through it in 2 minutes flat!!!!
👀

I'd probably play it down and go for option 2.

However I've had years of this shit from MIL - and have gone for jokey reponses - putting her in the wrong - done pointed reponses and prodding DH to back me. All of which felt a bit unsatifactory.

Then DD1 as a teen suddenly swapped from haven't they got a good appepite said with apporval to horror you can't eat all that - DD1 reponse was along lines of what I'd been saying for years - shut MIL right up - clearly she'd been paying more attention than we'd thought.

MIL not done it since to her or her siblings - I still get digs. Odd thing was DH pride in DD1 standing up to MIL - when when his support of me was wavering at best.

My mother was similar.

The "Isn't this naughty?" and "We'll have a all go on a diet after eating this,won't we?" Often giggling as she said it.

And her attitudes about eating and about bodies were/are very gendered. "Oh, boys this age need to fill up!" and so on.

She'd even do the "We'll need to go on a diet after this" malarkey when serving us food that she herself had made for us.

It has taken me a long time (decades) to realize just how disordered and damaging these sorts of attitudes are.

I would do 3, because I just don’t care how nuclear she goes. If you CBA then do 2, but really it’s a wider issue than pie and I wouldn’t stand for it. Let her go nuclear, so what: ignore, grey rock, Let Her.

2nd paragraph: "We'll have to all go on a diet . . ." obviously.