To think my mum was ridiculous about a slice of pie

[BeachPossum]

My son and I made a beautiful rhubarb and strawberry pie a couple of days ago, and I shared a photo of it on our family WhatsApp (parents, siblings and partners).

Yesterday afternoon my mum dropped by unexpectedly after visiting a friend nearby. I offered her a cup of tea and a biscuit and she said 'oh no, I'll have a slice of that lovely pie'. I said 'oh sorry! It's all been eaten', to which she responded with the most exaggerated display of astonishment and surprise. She kept saying 'REALLY! A whole pie in ONE DAY?', saying it would have done her and my dad for a week, we must have had huge slices etc. She made five or six comments in total.

The first time she commented I told her my in laws had been over so between them and us we'd eaten five slices, then my husband had had another piece in the afternoon following a 55km bike ride, and then the three of us had had a piece for morning coffee that day, totalling 9 slices of a normal sized pie. Not a crazy amount. Then when she kept on going on about it I tried to brush it off and move on, before eventually snapping at her to stop talking about food and appetites in front of my young children, at which point she left in a huff. She has texted me this morning to let me know she's hurt, she was just surprised, and that she wasn't saying anything inappropriate in front of the children.

She has absolute form for this. She's one of those people who always has to have the smallest appetite in the room, loves talking about meals she's forgotten to eat, loves refusing food. I was stunned she asked for a slice of pie in the first place since ninety nine times out of a hundred she refuses anything I offer her and makes a point of telling me she's totally full after a huge breakfast of one blini and a quail's egg. She's permanently on a diet, obsessed with food but never eats any, thinks that thinness is next to godliness etc. I've learned to live with it but I'll be damned if me and my children will accept being treated as revolting gluttons for eating two slices of pie over two days.

Anyway, the dilemma. She's incredibly defensive and will go nuclear if I try and get her to take any accountability. I swallow a lot of her shit for the sake of family harmony, and I'm at peace with this because she and I now have a very superficial relationship and I let her crap wash over me. But it's going to get to the point of affecting my children and when that happens I'll have to intervene and accept the fallout. So what do I say to her now? She's expecting an apology from me for snapping and reassurance that she's a lovely mother and granny who was treated unfairly. Do I:

1. Give her an insincere apology to get her to fuck off and leave me alone
2. text something very neutral like 'let's not row over pie' and hope she drops it
3. tell her she was being ridiculous and that it's part of a wider pattern of behaviour that I won't tolerate in front of my kids, and deal with whatever histrionics and drama follows
4. other suggestions welcome

A useful line for the future could be
”I’m teaching the children that it’s impolite to comment on other people’s eating habits”.

I'd ignore her, don't feed the monster.

But what should I have done? What do you mean by saying I entertained it? After I explained that several people had eaten the pie she made at least five further comments. I kept brushing them off and changing the subject but eventually I had to tell her to stop.

Please tell me how I should have responded because I'd love to know how to stop her next time!

Condolences because my DM is the exact same 😂 I'd probably apologise even as much as it irked me, or option 2 depending how mad I was. My DM was never like this before she retired, and suddenly since retiring she has developed disordered eating basically the exact same as you describe. She also passes it onto my step father and constantly is putting him on a diet, and to a lesser extent their dog - dog at least is not underweight but she will OBSESSIVELY weigh the dog, ask the vet if the dogs overweight etc etc. Any sign that the dog is so much as 0.5kg overweight and the dog is immediately put on a diet (it's a large breed dog so 0.5kg is not a huge weight gain for the dog.)

My DM always had a very weird relationship with food but never this sort of dieting thing before retirement. She used to just be a godawful cook who didn't seem to recognise the fact that her cooking was inedible and would cook up very... interesting... meals and go on about how delicious and tasty they were while everyone else gagged 😂 I've just assumed all my life she doesn't have tastebuds

Eh? I already said how you should've responded in the post you quoted?

'REALLY! A whole pie in ONE DAY?'

"Yeah, quite a few people had some, not just us".

The end 🤷‍♂️

No need to entertain any more conversation about it after that.

Yet here you are saying it's exhausting but at the same time, rehashing it all again and discussing it all here.

mine was awful during my teens, literally commented on every single thing I ate, then she calmed down about it when I left home but she's definitely also ramped up since retirement. Now that she doesn't have work to distract her I'm a permanent project to keep her busy...

Maybe ask your therapist to role play that conversation with you. Because that’s the only way it’s going to happen.

You know that it was a completely normal way to eat food and have meals. You know she isn’t normal about this stuff. It will always hurt, but it doesn’t have to hurt any more than it does now. I’d move on.

My mum is exactly the same but my kids older. We have just told the children that she and my dad are very weird about food because they grew up with different theories on nutritional knowledge. In laws also weird about food in other direction so we’ve explained everyone is different but this is what we do in our house to be healthy.
But totally get your frustration and the weeping is exactly what my ma and MiL would do.

This. And in future, be ready with what @Petrovaposy said.

Option 3 really, as you have kids you need to set the expectation you have. I am very much a peacekeeper, but I couldn't let this go unchecked because of my children.

And so bloody what if she goes nuclear, let her have a tantrum. You have an absolute right to state your boundaries.

Don't respond to her on this subject at all. Grey rock her or utterly ignore her any time she does it. See less of her.

You talk as if you were powerless, OP. You don't have to explain yourself to your mother, you don't actually have to have her in your house when she's pissing you off.
You can love someone in some ways, yet go very LC too. She is not good for you.

But that's more or less exactly what I did say. After her first comment I said 'DH's parents were here so a few of us had some'. She then made five further comments, which I tried to brush off - saying things like 'oh well, we enjoyed it' or just changing the subject.

What do you mean by 'no need to entertain it' - how was I entertaining it? What should I have done instead?

I don't know why you have an issue with me seeking advice on here. It's what this forum is for. You don't have to comment if you don't think it's worth your time. But if you do comment please answer the questions above, because I'd genuinely like to know exactly what you think I should have done when she kept making comments.

Grey rock. Do not engage.

Reply ‘never mind mum/what a shame’- nice and neutral, neither blaming nor apologising.

In future don’t tackle it directly. Relentlessly change the subject with the occasional ’Oh I thought we finished talking about pie.’.

My mother was similar with her whole eating like a sparrow thing. She would cut a double size portion of cake or whatever, so she could take a couple of forkfuls and then do the whole performative 'so full, can't eat any more' routine.
This is exactly what your mother was banking on doing, @BeachPossum . @70isaLimitNotaTarget is spot on there.
I also wanted to say that you don't have to 'honour' your mother or support her in her old age. It sounds to be a dysfunctional dynamic and I hope your therapy is helping. My therapist told me that if my parents ever needed care, that was why social services exist. It's definitely not on you to make yourself a target for her constant sniping. She's a jellyfisher. Take care and keep your distance. If you've not done so already, look into fear, obligation and guilt (FOG) with your therapist. I'm pretty sure that's what your mother has got you trained into.
To resolve the pie issue, do number 2 and then drop the rope. Go low contact and let grey rock be your friend.

Even contradicting her is feeding it and giving it attention. Far better to just brush it off for as long as it takes. Multiple times. Let her get irritated, but you stay calm.

You started justifying how the pie got eaten and by how many people. Next time you need to shut it down quickly.

her: you ate that ENORMOUS pie?!
you: yes we did, it was delicious.
her: I could never do that, it would last me a week!
you: gosh.
her: weren’t you stuffed?! I’d have been sick and not eaten for days!
you: Not at all.
her: Wow, a WHOLE pie…
you: So, how are Bill and the kids?

"This conversation doesn't interest me" "I already asked you to change the subject", rinse and repeat. As she is a rude and entitled person bluntness is the only way. If she goes mad and leaves in a huff, let her. If she tries to start a shouting match get up and open the door and ask her to leave.

She's not in charge of how you behave or what you talk about, unless you let her be.

Ignore the text.
Dont reward the drama with attention.

You fell into the trap of justifying and arguing too much. All you needed to say was "yes, a whole pie in one day, we had visitors". Stop caring so much what she thinks and arguing with her.
If she persists say "If I want to eat a whole pie in one day on my own I will"
I would ignore this particular episode now but if she keeps on like this when the children are a bit older and starts commenting directly on how much the children are eating I would speak to her on her own and ask her if she wants to encourage them to develop an eating disorder because if she does it's best she doesn't see them.
Over explaining and justifying that your husband had been exercising etc. is just making it bigger, the children will notice more and it will encourage her.

Just ignore it.

Some really helpful advice - thank you!

I think the consensus is either option 2 or don't text at all, then they rock and reduced contact. This is what I already do to an extent, guided by my therapist, but I think this situation and thread is showing I don't really have the balance right yet and I'm still letting her under my skin.

I think it's hard because I'll never stop wanting her to be the mum I wish she was. I feel so stupid and angry when I let her upset me or when I let her in a bit and end up hurt. My therapist always says 'you're not stupid for living in hope that your mother will love and support you unconditionally'. But that doesn't mean I shouldn't also have strong boundaries, and at the moment they need to be toughened up a bit.

I have to ask, what is an "almond mum"?
🤔

I've never heard that before?

Option 3 and ignore the blow back completely.

I'd go with 3. You're going to have to assert this boundary strongly, if she has an eating disorder and feels compelled to come out with stuff like this.