To think my mum was ridiculous about a slice of pie

[BeachPossum]

My son and I made a beautiful rhubarb and strawberry pie a couple of days ago, and I shared a photo of it on our family WhatsApp (parents, siblings and partners).

Yesterday afternoon my mum dropped by unexpectedly after visiting a friend nearby. I offered her a cup of tea and a biscuit and she said 'oh no, I'll have a slice of that lovely pie'. I said 'oh sorry! It's all been eaten', to which she responded with the most exaggerated display of astonishment and surprise. She kept saying 'REALLY! A whole pie in ONE DAY?', saying it would have done her and my dad for a week, we must have had huge slices etc. She made five or six comments in total.

The first time she commented I told her my in laws had been over so between them and us we'd eaten five slices, then my husband had had another piece in the afternoon following a 55km bike ride, and then the three of us had had a piece for morning coffee that day, totalling 9 slices of a normal sized pie. Not a crazy amount. Then when she kept on going on about it I tried to brush it off and move on, before eventually snapping at her to stop talking about food and appetites in front of my young children, at which point she left in a huff. She has texted me this morning to let me know she's hurt, she was just surprised, and that she wasn't saying anything inappropriate in front of the children.

She has absolute form for this. She's one of those people who always has to have the smallest appetite in the room, loves talking about meals she's forgotten to eat, loves refusing food. I was stunned she asked for a slice of pie in the first place since ninety nine times out of a hundred she refuses anything I offer her and makes a point of telling me she's totally full after a huge breakfast of one blini and a quail's egg. She's permanently on a diet, obsessed with food but never eats any, thinks that thinness is next to godliness etc. I've learned to live with it but I'll be damned if me and my children will accept being treated as revolting gluttons for eating two slices of pie over two days.

Anyway, the dilemma. She's incredibly defensive and will go nuclear if I try and get her to take any accountability. I swallow a lot of her shit for the sake of family harmony, and I'm at peace with this because she and I now have a very superficial relationship and I let her crap wash over me. But it's going to get to the point of affecting my children and when that happens I'll have to intervene and accept the fallout. So what do I say to her now? She's expecting an apology from me for snapping and reassurance that she's a lovely mother and granny who was treated unfairly. Do I:

1. Give her an insincere apology to get her to fuck off and leave me alone
2. text something very neutral like 'let's not row over pie' and hope she drops it
3. tell her she was being ridiculous and that it's part of a wider pattern of behaviour that I won't tolerate in front of my kids, and deal with whatever histrionics and drama follows
4. other suggestions welcome

That’s a long post about a slice of pie

Option 2. I wouldn't be surprised if she asked for a slice with the expectation it had been eaten so she could make a thing if it.

Number 3.
She clearly needs therapy but don’t let her issues rub off on your kids.

My in-laws were like this. Would make noises like "oink oink" if someone had seconds, would weigh themsselves morning and night every day, would judge for us getting a taxi for a three mile journey rather than walking, constant fat shaming or commenting on weight. People like that are exhausting .I could never imagine questioning other people's choices like that, when its simply none of my business. I think its a trait that will die out with boomers

You can love someone and still be sick of their BS.

This

Could there be any jealousy at play here because your PILs got to have some of the pie and she didn't?

Maybe text something bland like "Sorry you didn't get to have any pie. If you had let me know you wanted some I would have saved you a slice"

That might appease her for now as she will have an apology of sorts but you won't be apologising for what you said. Not should you.

I agree with you that you can't let her negative comments about food affect your DC.

It's not really about a slice of pie though, is it? These things never are.

What do you mean by 'no need to entertain it' - how was I entertaining it? What should I have done instead?

I'll repeat it for a 3rd time then.

After you told her that other people shared the pie, that should've been the end of the conversation. Not "Oh well we enjoyed it" - no other justification at all.

Grey rock/the end etc.

I don't have an 'issue' with you 'seeking advice' on here but I do find it strange that you seem just as obsessed about this as your mother.

Just let it go 🤷‍♂️

She’s probably aggrieved that your in-laws got some of the pie and she didn’t. There’s likely an element of jealously mixed in there somewhere.

anyway my mum is similar, there’s always a fucking drama. I have to be very careful what I say etc. it’s exhausting.

id probably just go with option 1 or 2 or a mix of both and then not overshare things on social media.

mine is much easier to deal with if she doesn’t know things. Then she can’t pass comment/judgement

It's getting to the point on Mumsnet where you can't even ask for advice/opinions on anything?

We seem to be policed nowadays, about whether our threads are worthy of posting.

Shame, mumsnet didn't used to be like this...

Yes I'm sure this is a factor - she is incredibly jealous of my in laws and obsessed over any time they get which she doesn't.

It doesn't help that I absolutely love my in laws, and in many ways my MIL is the mother I wish I'd had. We're very close. I really try to avoid ever bringing them up around my mum but sometimes it happens and she picks up on it every time.

You're not stupid for living in hope...

Absolutely and completely. Hope is a jolly nice place in Derbyshire, actually. Good for walks in the peak district and very scenic.
Anyhoo.
I hoped for years that my mother would change. As decent human beings, we look for the good in people. I think this is where guilt comes in too, because it's our parent.
Your therapist needs to be working through the grief with you that she is not going to change . It is a grief process. You're grieving the mother that you wished you'd had, and the mother that you deserve to have had. It's a very hard path to walk. I found the Stately Homes thread on here very helpful, as well as a change of therapy provision and different treatment.

A destructive mother is, I believe, one of the hardest things on earth to deal with, and simply heartbreaking for the child involved, whether an adult or younger.

We are hard wired to seek our mother's love and approval, it is incredibly difficult to detach from parents and a mother even more so, no matter how much they deserve it.

Please just ignore her text demands. You do not have to respond to her at all. I wouldn't bother reading them to be honest.

And really, the time to get your kids away from her is right now. She has very likely already sewed poisoned seeds in their minds about food, and who knows what else.

It's good you are asking for advice, I would really lean into this when seeing your therapist, how to deal with your mum, how to keep yourself and your children safe from her. I am sorry you're having to deal with this.

I’d just drop it and not say anything. If your mother brings it up again I’d say, Oh, the pie thing, I haven’t given that another thought. Too many far more important things going on at the moment for me to give that non-event any more head space.
If she gets uppity let her. If she wants to discuss What more important things are going on? - just say you don’t have time to go into it right now. She will b so curious to know what’s going on she’ll forget the pie issue. AND she won’t know that nothing important IS going on. It’ll leave her space for her imagination to run riot. AND maybe she’ll leave you alone

I like this reply. I'd also add a sorry not sorry.

So like, I'm sorry you are upset, but I'm teaching the kids it's impolite to comment on other people's eating habits. We shared the pie with others and I didn't know how much you wanted some, so next time I'll make a bigger one!

Clearly she asked so she could then somehow reject it.

I agree with the chaos evil post earlier of making another one. Cut out the most ridiculous sliver, deliver that to her and tell her you guys ate all the rest of the second cake already.

Well since your suggestion is exactly what I did, and it didn't work, there's no need to repeat it a fourth time.

I don't know why you're so keen to draw an equivalence between me and my mother. We are nothing alike, and your snide commentary about how we're both equally obsessed is very wide of the mark. Other posters have had no difficulty understanding that. If you're struggling to get it, maybe it's time for you to let this thread go and share your wisdom somewhere else.

Other option: ignore her huff and pretend it didn't happen. You dont need to apologise or smooth troubled waters.

She's reacted in a dramatic way, and is looking for attention. Ignore it. Not ignore her though, just crack on and act like her whole tantrum didn't happen.

Its what I do bow with my dramatic mother. Sometimes she sends my dad round (1hr drive each way) to have a go at me. I let it wash over me and just carry on as if none of it happened. Because I dont need to carry the blame for dramatic outbursts that have only happened because of attention seeking behaviour.

It might be similar approach to the "let them" theory by Mel Robins. If your mum wants to act like a stampy footed toddler, let her. Nothing to do with you really.

I'd leave her to her sulk and enjoy the peace and quiet.

Great guilt tripping there! OP's mum sounds very difficult and quite toxic with her views on food and weight.

OP should put her family first. She certainly has nothing to apologise for.

Sounds American, maybe…

❤️ thank you

Perhaps you weren’t brought up by someone who uses interactions to point score and manipulate. It’s very difficult to disentangle. This is the person who taught OP how to talk, relate, engage.

Give her a break while she works it out.

4…
Leave her to cool off. My money is that it’s more about the fact you made a pie for your in laws. She didn’t get any so she’s extra put out.