To think my mum was ridiculous about a slice of pie

[BeachPossum]

My son and I made a beautiful rhubarb and strawberry pie a couple of days ago, and I shared a photo of it on our family WhatsApp (parents, siblings and partners).

Yesterday afternoon my mum dropped by unexpectedly after visiting a friend nearby. I offered her a cup of tea and a biscuit and she said 'oh no, I'll have a slice of that lovely pie'. I said 'oh sorry! It's all been eaten', to which she responded with the most exaggerated display of astonishment and surprise. She kept saying 'REALLY! A whole pie in ONE DAY?', saying it would have done her and my dad for a week, we must have had huge slices etc. She made five or six comments in total.

The first time she commented I told her my in laws had been over so between them and us we'd eaten five slices, then my husband had had another piece in the afternoon following a 55km bike ride, and then the three of us had had a piece for morning coffee that day, totalling 9 slices of a normal sized pie. Not a crazy amount. Then when she kept on going on about it I tried to brush it off and move on, before eventually snapping at her to stop talking about food and appetites in front of my young children, at which point she left in a huff. She has texted me this morning to let me know she's hurt, she was just surprised, and that she wasn't saying anything inappropriate in front of the children.

She has absolute form for this. She's one of those people who always has to have the smallest appetite in the room, loves talking about meals she's forgotten to eat, loves refusing food. I was stunned she asked for a slice of pie in the first place since ninety nine times out of a hundred she refuses anything I offer her and makes a point of telling me she's totally full after a huge breakfast of one blini and a quail's egg. She's permanently on a diet, obsessed with food but never eats any, thinks that thinness is next to godliness etc. I've learned to live with it but I'll be damned if me and my children will accept being treated as revolting gluttons for eating two slices of pie over two days.

Anyway, the dilemma. She's incredibly defensive and will go nuclear if I try and get her to take any accountability. I swallow a lot of her shit for the sake of family harmony, and I'm at peace with this because she and I now have a very superficial relationship and I let her crap wash over me. But it's going to get to the point of affecting my children and when that happens I'll have to intervene and accept the fallout. So what do I say to her now? She's expecting an apology from me for snapping and reassurance that she's a lovely mother and granny who was treated unfairly. Do I:

1. Give her an insincere apology to get her to fuck off and leave me alone
2. text something very neutral like 'let's not row over pie' and hope she drops it
3. tell her she was being ridiculous and that it's part of a wider pattern of behaviour that I won't tolerate in front of my kids, and deal with whatever histrionics and drama follows
4. other suggestions welcome

If she’s older I think it’s the generation. My mum is 75 and I constantly have to tell her to stop talking about food and dieting and weight in front of my kids. It’s sad really, she’s spent her whole life obsessed with monitoring what she puts in her mouth to remain slim. Hopefully life is different for our children. Healthy is good. These attitudes aren’t that

Your issues resonate. I would probably go with option 1 and then regret it. Option 2 sounds like it is the most authentic response from you without turning this issue into the hill to die on. Which is probably sensible because nobody (unless they have experience and get it) will accept pie as a hill to die on.

It does sound to me as if hoping your mother will somehow become the mother you wish for some day is futile. Your therapist is correct that there is nothing wrong in wishing it were otherwise, but living in hope sounds a bit unwise to me, if that means there is a risk of you negating yourself to keep the hope alive.

Why are so many parents like this? Whenever my mum made me waffles when I was little, my dad used to point at me and say 'Don't eat another one, you'll get fat and ugly!' He seemed to think it was some incredibly funny joke. I was 8. (and a healthy kid).

I wouldn't mention it again.

I'd hazard a guess she saw the picture of the pie and couldn't stop thinking about it, that's why she popped in unexpectedly and was disappointed when it had all gone. If she's weird about food anyway she probably went a bit overboard.

If she brings it up end the conversation or tell her you'll be leaving unless she stops.

I did all of this stuff though until I just had enough and ditched her completely..some mothers just have too many issues to help mothers.

I think it's hard because I'll never stop wanting her to be the mum I wish she was. I feel so stupid and angry when I let her upset me or when I let her in a bit and end up hurt.

@BeachPossum from someone who was in a very similar situation, and who ended up breaking down - walk away now.

You have to put yourself and your young family first. We both know she'll never change, so you need to take back control of the whole dynamic. Do not apologise. You have done nothing wrong.

Also, had it been her pie and had it lasted to day 5 or 6, that pie would have been 🤢 by the end.

God I want pie. I’ve never made one. Can you post the recipe

I would do this - if it was just DH and me.

But I refused to do similar when MIL started making comments in my DCs’ hearing.

I told DH to have a word with her after she said I shouldn’t give DS too many strawberries - meaning more than about four.

I refuse to tolerate madcap ideas about what foods do what to a person’s body. DS doesn’t eat many fruits but likes strawberries so I give him a big bowl. We all have strong stomachs - no one gets ill after a bowl of strawberries. And I wouldn’t have the kids hearing that a fruit is a bad food.

In this case I would hold my ground and say I’ve had enough of ridiculous comments about what is normal eating, and I’m not having them made around my kids.

Me neither, until my 4yo spotted strawberry and rhubarb jam at the supermarket last week. Obviously now it's in our fridge and it's delicious!

Is she jealous that the in laws got a slice when it should have been kept for her - to be offered to her and then refused in a self approving way ?

The whole conversation be like

What made her think she could dictate what she eats in someone else's house? I have just come back from DD's. Told I could eat anything I wished. I eat what I am offered, I don't say 'oh, let's cut that melon I saw in the fridge'. How rude. Do 2 and leave it alone.
Amazed you got 9 slices out of an average pie - would have gone in one sitting among my family! 😃

Reminds me of one of my friends criticising me 'You're always hungry!' I replied 'Well you always say you're not hungry and you eat anyway whereas I'm always hungry but I don't eat the whole time, so I'm doing better than you.'

She stfu after that.

My DH (now ex) would just say "oh theyre just like that ignore them" but that was part of a trait of never defending me or backing me up or really in any way caring about things that upset me. Three months PP my exFil cornered me away from everyone at a party (i was wandering about trying to get DD off to sleep) and asked if i was aware i was still carrying a lot of extra weight. When i told DH and ex SIL they both just said awwww hes just silly like that. His wife was worse. A right piece of work. I dont miss having them in my life

100%! they work really well together

Stop sharing photos of your culinary creations…..simple!

Its an absolute classic. I make one with grated nutmeg and orange peel that is out of this world. You can also make it with cardamom.

@IPM

It's amazing how completely wrong you have this.

Especially you're obviously not open to anyone who doesn't agree with you.

Firstly (unless I've missed it, I think more than most posters are agreeing with OP)
Secondly, in my opinion you are massively missing the point.

But hey ho, that's mumsnet.....

I think that you should do two things:-

1. Just ignore the text from your mum. No more attention for being horrible.
2. Send a text yo your MIL saying “Just wanted to say how lovely it was to see you over the weekend.”

This would be my choice. Ignore her and keep out of her way.

3, she has form and your children will have noticed this.

Option 2 I think it best long term. She gets a reply and you hold your ground. Low contract with your mum and enjoy being lucky to have a great MiL.

Clever 4 year old!

Can she/ he come shopping with me please? 😁
I always miss the best stuff....

1. Ignore the problem and when she stops speaking to you enjoy the silence.

Obviously a pie is going to last an older couple longer than if its shared between several people including kids, people exercising a lot etc.

Child: Mum, I'm really hungry, can I have a sandwich/biscuit/banana (or whatever)

Almond Mum: Have a couple of almonds to fill you up.

I don’t know why I read these types of threads as I always find them incredibly triggering 😆 but you have my most sincere sympathy OP.
My awful covert-narcissist mother would do exactly the same (and would secretly be absolutely seething that the PIL had been round and had some of the pie!)
I totally understand the dynamic you’re in, and there really is only one thing you can do to maintain your sanity - ignore, ignore, ignore.
She wants a reaction (like a toddler) so don’t give her one.
The more you pander to this crap, the more it continues. They really don’t have any ability to self-reflect on how ridiculous they’re being, in her eyes it’s YOUR job to keep them happy and You Have Failed 🙄 (over pie, no less!)
Please don’t reply to any of her batshit messages or attempts at guilting, emotional manipulation, and regaining control.
I have iron clad boundaries with my mother and yet she still tries to pull these bullshit stunts all the time, it is relentless.
For my own sanity I ignore it all, pages and pages of texts, and I don’t answer calls.
You’ll feel like an awful person for doing it but my goodness is it freeing! Good luck 🩷