Child excluded from holiday with other parent

[Aquestiontoponder]

Hi all. I just want to gauge if I am unreasonable for being annoyed?
I have a 14 year old with my ex husband, We've been separated 10 years and he remarried last year. His wife has 3 children (15, 19, 25).

I have just found out they are going on a cruise next month and have told my son he's not invited! It'll just be my ex husband, wife and her 3 children (I appreciate 2 are not classed as children).

He feels really upset and excluded. There have been issues for a while where he feels excluded from what he sees as "their" family. My son says when he goes there he stays in his room and avoids contact with anyone. He doesn't really have a relationship with stepmum as he perceives she causes issues with his dad.

Last year they went on a big family holiday and there were some issues. Largely stemming from the fact he doesn't feel part of the family and they are always "on at him". My son ended up trying to avoid them and it caused a huge falling out. He was messaging me daily saying he wanted to come home. To make it clear; I was encouraging him to speak with his dad about how he felt and advised to try and keep the peace. Once back my son heard his dad on a work call saying he was stressed after holiday and it was nothing to do with his step children because they are lovely, it is is biological son who is horrible. Obviously this upset my son further and he hasn't really wanted to go to his dad's. It's at the stage he dreads going but goes out of loyalty.
His dad has always been a good dad and has very regular contact, however he has changed over the last few years. He doesn't really speak to me anymore (since he moved in with now wife).

Anyway, they have basically told him they're off on a cruise next month and due to the stress of last year's holiday, he shouldn't go. They are going to leave it for this year and then he can go away with them next year.

I also want to add that my son is genuinely a lovely, kind and caring child. He's considerate and honestly the best company, so he's not rude or hard work.

He's upset and I'm not happy but my son doesn't want me to say anything. He already feels pushed out and this is making things worse.

OP, you are under no obligation to keep updating us but I’m sure there are a lot of us rooting for you and your son and would appreciate hearing how things are going and if you have a plan for the future. 🤗

I’m a step dad. My step-son as a teenager was very difficult and bushed every boundary constantly.

it got to the point where no holiday was enjoyable as you never knew what antics he would get up to.

the result was, eventually he was not invited, partly for my sanity partly because I’m not sure how his behaviour would have been treated in a different country.

there are two or even three sides to every story.

You make your son out to be a bit of a saint but clearly things went awry on the last holiday. Perhaps he is not as perfect as you think, he is a 14 year old boy after all. Perhaps you have not even discussed what happened last time with your ex? If not, this is on you. You should have had a talk with your ex instead of assuming that your son is in the right and the others are ALL in the wrong. Hard to hear, I know, but you need to meet them half way because you clearly have no idea what happened and why your ex is angry.

OP, it sounds like a really tricky situation. I really feel for your son, being so uncomfortable at their house, and I think that both his dad and step-mum should be doing a lot more to draw him into the fold.
Is a cruise their usual type of holiday, or a special one? It's not cheap and tbf, whether your son actually said it or not, an unhappy teenager who's on his phone texting his mum to come and get him is probably going to ruin the holiday! He'd have an awful time, too.
It sounds like too much, too soon. Can't they go for a few fun, teen oriented weekends away to break the ice?
The father's day thing is ridiculous. I can completely understand why it would feel a bit awkward to celebrate alongside their stepdad's actual son, but what a stupid choice to leave him out.
It sounds like you all need to be honest with each other and try to create a more harmonious relationship now, no matter how hard that is. Your boy deserves it!
Good luck!

. Sorry, misread the post.

The stepmum is acting out of fear and insecurity. She’s afraid of you and everything connected with you. This strong feeling means she doesn’t notice how unfairly she treats your son. She’s a complex problem and I have no suggestions on how to change her, especially as she would instinctively reject everything you say.

The two people you can have an effect on are your son and his dad. PP made some very good suggestions about how to explain the situation to your son so he understands his dad is only human and makes mistakes, so he can take it less personally.

As for the dad, it’s very important you meet him in person and have a constructive discussion him. Don’t accuse him, don’t slag off his wife - do whatever you can to make him receptive to your message. Help him understand what is happening.

In my opinion, the best solution is your son spends a lot more time living with you. If maintenance is an issue, reassure his dad that you won’t want extra money. You need to make the dad understand that he needs to spend some one-on-one time with his son. After all, if he has separate holidays with his step family, it’s only “fair”! But better than holidays would be a fortnightly day when it’s just the two of them.

It sounds as if you need to have a serious honest conversation with your ex about his relationship with his son. Is there someone who can mediate between you if it’s difficult for you to talk.

Your son is a 14 year old, it’s not the easiest time of life and he needs his father. If his dad’s not interested then you’ll have to accept that and help your son to do so.

However, it might be worth reminding him that over 50 percent of marriages end in divorce so step children may come and go but this will always be his son.

Does your stepson still have a relationship with you and his mum?

Your ex-husband and the new wife are being horrible excluding your son. Though it sounds like it’s for the best (for him) not to be stuck for days on a cruise ship with them & her kids.

There is a clear pattern of the new wife excluding your son, but doesn’t sound like you can make that point to your ex.

Id look into some counselling sessions for your son to help him process this and keep his self esteem up and help him speak to his Dad. Maybe, if your son agrees, a good therapist could eventually invite his Dad & facilitate them talking about doing more together.

Ultimately, your ex-husband’s relationship with your son is not your responsibility. Shower him with as much love as you can & let him know the new wife behaving badly says a lot about her and nothing about him.

And maybe show him how to mute WhatsApp for the duration of thier cruise.

Yes in the case of my wife and as much as I prefer in the case of me.

he has positive points but also needs to change some things in his life and I’m not enabling him to ignore that, until he has done something to help himself.

I have two DC now in their 30's Neither of my DC behaved like this.

This is typical teenage behaviour and has been for centuries. Even Romeo and Juliet starts off with Romeo skulking in his bedroom. I spent plenty of time on my own in my room (and was still taken on all the family holidays). Stayed with friends recently and their 3 teems barely emerged for food. Taught teenagers for years too and this is how most of them behaved.

It’s normal behaviour. Think you are looking back through a tinted lens at a very limited microcosm in your house nearly 20 years ago.

Unfortunately, it doesn’t sound like you have right on your side.

A parent’s job is to support their child through all their teenage revoltingness. If they don’t, they damage their child. The parent must be the adult. It is not an equal relationship where you can say “he’s being mean to me so I don’t want to be friends any more”. Children need a stable parent who loves them no matter what. And their bad behaviour generally comes from unhappiness. Punishing them will not solve that unhappiness. Only parents can prevent this unhappiness becoming a dominant force in their child’s whole life.

In families which have not divorced, both parents just ride through this difficult period with an absolute stinker lodged in their house and making their life a misery. But if they hang on in there, being the bigger person and consistently trying to help their child, a stable and happy adult can emerge at the end.

Divorced parents have the option of rejecting their child, wholly or partly, simply because they do not live together. It can seem normal and natural to withdraw from their child.

But by doing so you are messing up this crucial window in your child’s life. In a few years, it will be too late to remedy it.

OP. My Dad married a jealous, insecure and controlling woman. Have to say it hasn't had a good effect on my relationship with him.
Tbh I think your son is never going to have a good relationship with his father while this woman is in the picture.
I completely agree that these dynamics are 100% in the hands of the father to influence and very many weak men prefer an easy life over doing the right thing.

Teenage years were more than ten years ago.

the holidays that were among the deciding one saw a 3am visit from the police and a different police where he was intercepted in front of us by head of security..

Even had I wanted to add lots of stress to a holiday it was simply not safe to take him to a foreign country.

As a step mum with a blended family myself, I hate this for you and your son! My partner and I got together and both had 1 child from previous, then we went on to have 2 of our own. My partner treats all 4 equally and so do I. My step son is now 14 and comes to stay every couple of weeks, he’s a moody teenager who wants to go out with his friends it’s the standard for teens eh 🤷🏻‍♀️

so basically, for all 14 years of his life and after - he will always be included - we go on holiday? We ask him (with his mums permission ofc) - going for family meal ? We ask him - family day out/pictures ? We include him as much as realistically possible , we do this not to please him, we do this cause we have 4 kids not 3, he completes our family of 6 and no matter how moody or ill behaved he is, when he is with us, we take responsibility and communicate with his mum to support, when we blended and committed ? We took on the good and the bad, so never ever would I not include my step son regardless of his behaviour !!
If anything, I would go out my way to get him here more, spend more quality time not just as a family but 1-1 with his dad, then even me - Iv been in his life from when he was a baby - but Iv always made it clear to him (& his mum & dad) that I love him like my own and if he can’t talk to mum and dad then he’s got me- I’m there for the good and bad!
no child should be feeling excluded (sometimes this can naturally happen cause what kids doesn’t want mum and dad together in one home?) not kid wants to go between 2 parents n homes but I would do my best to find rot issue and REASSURE that child - no matter the age - that he is LOVED and ACCEPTED.

i would try and speak to his dad face to face separately and talk this out, cause if he’s a “good dad” then he will want to address this and prevent his son from feeling like this. Please don’t allow the new wife to dictate what your son can or cannot take part it, it could be he isn’t behaving and causing issues but then that’s down to all of you adults to address and sort - but if he is being pushed out then I would ask him, do you want to continue this or take a step back? In the eyes of the law a 14 year old is old enough to make this type of decision so maybe for the sake of his mental health give him the choice but never force or influence, put the ball in his court and let him take some control back (this is if he isn’t being a wee devil 😂) as a mum of a 16 year old and a 14 year old - I can read them like a damn book and know when they are lying and can predict their behaviours before they do themselves, if you are confident in knowing your son and believe him - then sort it out before things get worse and has a detrimental impact on his life and mental state (adult too cause we know this shit catches up to us!)

ps I work with 16-24year olds in trauma and I see this alllll the time

And? Do you have a teenager ?