Child excluded from holiday with other parent

[Aquestiontoponder]

Hi all. I just want to gauge if I am unreasonable for being annoyed?
I have a 14 year old with my ex husband, We've been separated 10 years and he remarried last year. His wife has 3 children (15, 19, 25).

I have just found out they are going on a cruise next month and have told my son he's not invited! It'll just be my ex husband, wife and her 3 children (I appreciate 2 are not classed as children).

He feels really upset and excluded. There have been issues for a while where he feels excluded from what he sees as "their" family. My son says when he goes there he stays in his room and avoids contact with anyone. He doesn't really have a relationship with stepmum as he perceives she causes issues with his dad.

Last year they went on a big family holiday and there were some issues. Largely stemming from the fact he doesn't feel part of the family and they are always "on at him". My son ended up trying to avoid them and it caused a huge falling out. He was messaging me daily saying he wanted to come home. To make it clear; I was encouraging him to speak with his dad about how he felt and advised to try and keep the peace. Once back my son heard his dad on a work call saying he was stressed after holiday and it was nothing to do with his step children because they are lovely, it is is biological son who is horrible. Obviously this upset my son further and he hasn't really wanted to go to his dad's. It's at the stage he dreads going but goes out of loyalty.
His dad has always been a good dad and has very regular contact, however he has changed over the last few years. He doesn't really speak to me anymore (since he moved in with now wife).

Anyway, they have basically told him they're off on a cruise next month and due to the stress of last year's holiday, he shouldn't go. They are going to leave it for this year and then he can go away with them next year.

I also want to add that my son is genuinely a lovely, kind and caring child. He's considerate and honestly the best company, so he's not rude or hard work.

He's upset and I'm not happy but my son doesn't want me to say anything. He already feels pushed out and this is making things worse.

My ex is funding it. She has a part time low paid job (not being judgemental but it's a fact). He's a high earner.

Yep! Well as soon as they moved in together he stopped talking to me. They picked up my son one day and I waved. This apparently angered her. DS also heard her complaining about his dad getting me gifts for mother's day and my birthday on my son's behalf.

Because he loves his dad and wants to spend time with his dad. Because he's been excluded by his dad's family several times already and this is just another example of that. All he wants is a relationship with his dad.

Not looking happy. Not wanting to be part of the family.

Step mum went through the bins and found a sweet wrapper from some sweets he had brought from my house. She sat waiting for him to wake up and said she was very disappointed in him and going to tell his dad.

He said anything he says they just snap. For instance work experience was discussed at the dinner table and DS said he was dreading it (he's quite shy) and they went on at him that he can't be lazy and has to do it. They then kept saying he should have a job by now and apparently just made him feel rubbish. Her 15 year old doesn't thave a job so I'm not sure why my DS should.

Just to clarify another issues. Everyone saying to speak to his dad is a great idea however...

1. His dad is defensive, gets annoyed with me and then gets angry with my son for talking to me.
2. My son doesn't want to upset his dad, so he denies he's unhappy or that there is an issue 🤦

I really want to thank everyone for their detailed responses and real life experiences shared. I've read every post but there so many to keep up with.
To answer a few points:

-Reasons for our break up- I fell out of love with him and he was really upset.

• contact isn't court ordered and yes I have considered he wants to keep overnights due to maintenance. Especially given he picks him up at 7pm 2 nights a week and sometimes isn't home until late. It would make sense for DS to stay with me.

• I can have a conversation around therapy

I do appreciate how hard blending families is. I've had to do it myself but I'm always mindful of him feeling excluded. I'm very open with conversation and always take time to talk to him and listen.

You appear to write very fairly and considerately OP, and I feel you are doing your best. Trying to look through it all to some solutions, these may be bad but this is what I would think of as the key steps:

1. Reassure son it sounds like he wouldn't enjoy the trip given other issues, so put it behind him
2. Ask ex directly to book at least a long weekend away to spend time just with your son, given that he is missing the holiday
3. Encourage a weekend every 4-6 weeks to be spent with grandparents and cousins rather than dad; it will help him extend those relationships without the pressure of the step family
4. Let son know that his relationship with his dad, good or bad, is theirs alone. Where it isn't working, he could think about writing it all down, cry it out, make the points more rational, then talk to dad in person about a few key changes he'd like to see, while being open to constructive criticism back.

Good luck to you and your son. He'll be ok with or without dad because he has you in his corner.

I think the strangest thing is that DS came back from his dad's last week excited and said they are going on a cruise next year. He said he'd had a conversation with his dad about the holiday last year, they'd resolved some issues and he was excited about the holiday and telling me where they are going to stop off on the cruise.

Then a few days later his dad has told DS they are also going on a cruise next month but only with the wife and step children. Dad told him it's best to wait a year after last year's holiday...yet he's already apparently had a discussion, resolved things and taking him away next year.

The man you were married to is gone, your son can’t talk to his dad because his dad gets angry at him!
I would tell your son, how unfair it all it, but he has you, when he feels sad and upset.
Could you have a word with your ex in laws? Tell them he misses them and try to arrange for him to see them regularly? They too are getting pushed out, so they should be so pleased to see him. Encourage regular contact so even though his dad is letting him down badly, he can concentrate on those that will treat him with love.

Some of the details you’ve shared suggests there are some really odd behaviours going on at his dad’s house. The holiday situation is actually the least clear cut “problematic” behaviour, as it could be justified in various ways. Granted not everyone’s satisfaction.

However, SM going through the bins, the pair of them making him share absolutely everything with the step siblings, never having any time alone with his dad. All of that is absolutely bizarre and is going to damage his relationship with his dad.

1:1 time doesn’t even have to be a hugely expensive or time consuming thing. It’s popping to the shop together, having a chat whilst doing the dishes etc as much as it is going for days out/meals/big events.

Then his dad is showing traits of narcissism and your son deserves so much better.

No mother would want to keep sending their child into this situation where they feel unwanted by five people including their own parent. So the options are to stop sending him and risk your ex doing nothing about it, or to confront him.

Realistically, what would he do if DS said he didn’t want to stay any more?

I have read the thread rude person/total stranger.
Mum needs to convince dad to spend 1 on 1 time otherwise son will suffer badly.
Please go to anti- rudeness classes, there’ll be one in your area I’m sure.

OP, this is so bloody sad to read, poor kid. Your heart must be breaking for him.
But I really think you need to step up for him, he's only 14, he needs guidance, not to be told you're old enough to deal with this yourself. I would limit his contact with his dad and force a ftf meeting with him. Dont let this continue, it'll affect him in later years.

Please explain why it is up to the OP to ‘convince dad to spend 1 on 1time’. He won’t talk to her about the issues.

Why wouldn’t the boy’s father want to spend one on one time with the boy ? He shouldn’t need convincing.

But he obviously does need convincing - he needs to step up to the plate.
Unfortunately he probably won’t so mum will have to look at other strategies to ensure son doesn’t grow up with all sorts of emotional problems.

This is kind of crazy, 3/14ths? Should he be collected at 11.17pm and 30 seconds. on the second day of the holiday?

I've had another conversation with my son this evening and he's said that he now feels even more left out. Apparently his dad said they'd all go away on a cruise next year and said "let's leave it this year" (with regards to him going) and then announced he's going away with his wife and her children and DS not invited. Oh and apparently they're all happily discussing the holiday In front of my son, which has made him feel worse.

This is what I don't understand, if they are choosing not to take him, they could at least be a bit more discreet about it.

He also said his dad hasn't even messages him to ask how his first day of work experience went. Even my brother remembered and asked how it had gone.

I feel so, so sad for him. I don't even know how he could have had this conversation with him. However I would 100% bet my life that his wife will have encouraged this. There is no way he'd have gone away without DS otherwise. He's a weak man and this is all on him.

I've encouraged him to explain to his dad how he is feeling but I honestly don't think it'll help much.

Haha that post did come across as a bit crazy to me! Afterall, they are only going away once this year. So that's 100% of holidays that he isn't invited on.

I did ask if his dad had suggested taking him away/short break/even a day trip, but no. I didn't expect that would happen and there's no way he'd take him away just the two of them, it's cause huge issues.

But you haven't answered the question why it has to be OP who tries to convince him; she's already tried.

I honestly wouldn't know how to convince him.

He gets annoyed and shuts me down if I try and mention anything. My son doesn't want me to say anything and pretends everything is ok to his dad because he doesn't want to upset him.

So I'm not sure what else I can Dom it's his dad's decision and I can't control what decisions he makes.

Look, the man you were married to has gone. He's a shit dad now. He's blown the last however many years with your son, and he will continue to do so. You cannot change the behaviour of other people and get them to feel what you are feeling. All you can do is adjust your own behaviour. You need to let your son decide to no longer go where he isn't wanted or to help him with some coping strategies. If that includes not being tortured by WhatsApp groups and the like, then take him off them. He is entitled to a relationship with his paternal grandparents without needing the permission of his father and his cow of a step mother, so facilitate that. He's entitled to his privacy and not to have his phone searched by that woman, so find a way for him to keep his SM/photos private from her. See if there's a hobby he'd like to take up to boost his confidence and channel his emotions. This entire mess is an adult created clusterfuck, and you've played your part in this with your passivity. Time to step up and support your son and be a parent.

I agree with this except for the last bit - I don't blame the OP at all for this situation. The ex won't talk to her. She has no control over the other family and how they behave. Her son wants to maintain a relationship with his dad. She has spoken to the ex and been shut down and the son has gotten it in the neck for it. What was she supposed to do? Forbid her son seeing his dad??

But yes - all the rest of it. your son needs to know that he isn't in the wrong to feel unwelcome and unwanted when there is a clear strategy to make him feel unwelcome and unwanted. He needs to know that it is ok to take a step back and see his dad's actions for what they are. I would probably explain it to him as your dad is a bit weak and wants a quiet life. Like the poster said, I'd encourage him to have a separate relationship with the dad's family, limit the time he spends in the home which is not welcoming, and start doing other things in life.

It is just so sad though. My own kids would have been devastated to be treated like this. God, my sister and I would even get a bit jealous when my mum would make a big fuss over our cousins - whom we loved!

Your ex is a weak man. He was decent when he was with you because you expected him to be decent. This woman expects him to favour her children as a tribute to her so he does that instead. This won't get better and can't be changed by you or your son.

Continue to support your son, love him unconditionally and do everything you can to make up for the poor excuse of a man who is his Dad.
He and new wife will definitely damage your son and his emotional health, hopefully you will be able to counter some of this. Therapy for your son?

Sounds to me like he feels excluded, gets upset/acts out (understandably) so they exclude him more, then berate him for not being all involved sending lovely family WhatsApp’s or whatever. He’s a teenage boy, not the adult in this equation. The two adults, and especially his dad, need to be stepping up here

Personally I would tell him he doesn’t need to go to his Dad’s any more. My DS stopped going around the same age, mainly due to his step mum who was increasingly vile to him. I’d also suggest to his Dad that he should arrange 121 activities with his son. The important relationship is the one between father and son, he doesn’t need to have a relationship with the rest of his dad’s new family if he doesn’t want to.

I think you need to help him navigate this and communicate with his dad. He’s a 14 year old boy and these are tricky conversations and he’s obviously not able to do it himself.

Nailed it.