Child excluded from holiday with other parent

[Aquestiontoponder]

Hi all. I just want to gauge if I am unreasonable for being annoyed?
I have a 14 year old with my ex husband, We've been separated 10 years and he remarried last year. His wife has 3 children (15, 19, 25).

I have just found out they are going on a cruise next month and have told my son he's not invited! It'll just be my ex husband, wife and her 3 children (I appreciate 2 are not classed as children).

He feels really upset and excluded. There have been issues for a while where he feels excluded from what he sees as "their" family. My son says when he goes there he stays in his room and avoids contact with anyone. He doesn't really have a relationship with stepmum as he perceives she causes issues with his dad.

Last year they went on a big family holiday and there were some issues. Largely stemming from the fact he doesn't feel part of the family and they are always "on at him". My son ended up trying to avoid them and it caused a huge falling out. He was messaging me daily saying he wanted to come home. To make it clear; I was encouraging him to speak with his dad about how he felt and advised to try and keep the peace. Once back my son heard his dad on a work call saying he was stressed after holiday and it was nothing to do with his step children because they are lovely, it is is biological son who is horrible. Obviously this upset my son further and he hasn't really wanted to go to his dad's. It's at the stage he dreads going but goes out of loyalty.
His dad has always been a good dad and has very regular contact, however he has changed over the last few years. He doesn't really speak to me anymore (since he moved in with now wife).

Anyway, they have basically told him they're off on a cruise next month and due to the stress of last year's holiday, he shouldn't go. They are going to leave it for this year and then he can go away with them next year.

I also want to add that my son is genuinely a lovely, kind and caring child. He's considerate and honestly the best company, so he's not rude or hard work.

He's upset and I'm not happy but my son doesn't want me to say anything. He already feels pushed out and this is making things worse.

I’ve read your updates but not all the responses. This is heartbreaking, but you now your son can change the ex’s behaviour. It is clear the ex doesn’t want to hear it and obviously takes it out on your son if you intervene.

you son has been clear that he doesn’t want you to talk to the ex so you must respect that.

however there are things you and your son can control. Firstly archive the ‘family’ what’s app chat or mute it so he doesn’t have to see it, he doesn’t get involved anyway so clearly it is a tool for the ‘family’ to brag at what they are doing. Let him set up a separate what’s app just with his dad - if the dad doesn’t engage or say it is family or nothing, then that says even more about his character. Secondly, you need to be neutral about the ex, as it stands your comments come across as you encourage your son to go and he then feels guilt that he doesn’t want to go, but goes anyway and is miserable. Third, get your son some therapy and assertiveness training. If he doesn’t want you to stand up for him, then he needs to learn how to advocate for himself with his dad - if nothing else it will help him as he transitions to an adult and into his adult life.
I would also suggest that you help your son forge a closer relationship with Ex’s parents. This is nothing by to do with ex or the family and you don’t need to go through him to ask for permission.

your son should post whatever photos he likes on his social media, but I would suggest he unfriends or makes his posts private from ‘the family’. It is none of their business.

the ex’s new wife clearly has self esteem issues and her way to make herself feel better is to hone in on these innocuous and frankly ridiculous issues your son has inadvertently done. She reeks of cake and eat it… we will ensure things are weighted in the new families direction but gets hurt when your son does something. It almost reads a bit like Cinderella

in essence you son should manage the things he can control and try to let go of the things he can’t. Sadly his dad isn’t the person he once was.

an the Father’s Day thing - unforgivable

You sound like a loving and considerate mum, OP and your son sounds hurt. However, and I say this wholly kindly, I think you should back right out of your son’s relationship with his father.
It feels like you are (inadvertently) fuelling a proxy war. It doesn’t sound like it is going to help your son’s relationship with his Dad. They have to find their own relationship.
Many teenagers go through a difficult spell with one parent - blended family or nuclear family. The temptation as a mother is to jump in and try to make it all better but you can’t and it won’t.
Your son and his father may end up repairing their relationship but it won’t happen if you endlessly point out how let down your son feels . Ought to feel.
I’d lend a sympathetic ear to your son if he complains about his dad’s family but I wouldn’t actively encourage it or ask how his time with his dad went. I’d stay completely neutral and shut it down if it goes on too long in favour of a more positive chat.
It may go against the grain but in (inadvertently) reinforcing a sense of victimhood in your son, you are doing him no favours.
Just ensure his time with you is happy and secure and as much fun as possible. Don’t overcompensate for his dad’s behaviour or for any guilt you might feel about the split and the way it happened.
It’s not unusual for teens to pick up on a parent’s disappointment with their other half and feed into it. He may also now feel he would be betraying you if he went to his dad’s house and had a good time. He may unwittingly be telling you what he thinks you want to hear to reinforce your sense of grievance on his behalf.

I haven’t read all the replies so I may be repeating someone else, but it sounds like your sons dad is in a controlling marriage.

Have an honest, non confrontational conversation with your ex - tell him everything about how your son is feeling. His father has a new family but his/your son does not feel part of this new family and why should he - this new family us his father’s choice not your son’s. Your ex needs to step up and be a father to his son and give him the 1-2-1 the boy is craving.

Don't make him spend time with a bad father who doesn't care about him, feel so so sorry for your poor son.

Very sad situation OP. I don’t think it’s OK for him to be excluded but I also don’t think he will enjoy it jf he goes. What he actually needs is for his dad to prioritise him. If your ex shuts down any conversation about this, perhaps you can send him an email or message about what’s going on from your son’s perspective

Your son is being excluded by the new wife, she's putting her kids over him and that's why he feels excluded. Your ex isnt seeing this or if he is he isnt acting on it. Frankly your son seeing his dad is now just pain after pain and honestly she is designing it that way so he stops coming.

I hope you can take your DS on a holiday - there are some good value cruises around that you could take him on. Ask his dad for £ towards taking him on one since he missed their family holiday....

For me I think she's won for the minute and your DS should limit seeing his dad or not see him at all. Your ex is a twit for not noticing/acting. What an AH.

Your son is being excluded by the new wife, she's putting her kids over him and that's why he feels excluded. Your ex isnt seeing this or if he is he isnt acting on it. Frankly your son seeing his dad is now just pain after pain and honestly she is designing it that way so he stops coming.

I hope you can take your DS on a holiday - there are some good value cruises around that you could take him on. Ask his dad for £ towards taking him on one since he missed their family holiday....

For me I think she's won for the minute and your DS should limit seeing his dad or not see him at all. Your ex is a twit for not noticing/acting. What an AH.

Stop "encouraging" him to talk to his dad. His dad is bloody useless, and all you are doing there is twisting the knife.

Your DS is unfortunately going to have to see his father for what he is. A weak man, who has gotten himself an easy new family and can't be arsed anymore.

You and your DS, can't make him be better. Your DS is old enough now to decide whether he wants to continue bothering with his Dad. Your job is to build your DS up and support him, not encourage their relationship (or not).

Maybe his dad was a good dad before. But he isn't now. You can't make him. So help your son deal with how things are, not with how they should be.

This is one the least helpful posts I've ever seen.
It's his father's new 'family' who aren't relating to him and his father is now so invested in his new 'family' he can't see what's in front of his eyes.
This poor lad has no connection to his step family, it's not even as if any of them are half siblings. The only person he has a connection to is his father and father isn't spending any one to one time with him.
Oh, or are you the father ? 🤔

Agree. Also, why is it on the mother? The child is fine and happy with her. It's for his father to "find out what his problems are and help him".

Exactly this.

Oof what an awkward age for this to happen. I can't imagine the pain and confusion. At 14 he's very much still a child and learning about relationships. He obviously desperately wants a good, loving relationship with his dad but his dad is not handling him well at all. I think step in stop him going to his dad's and block the f'ing what's app (we all know how damaging social media images are and how they are staged) Tell his dad what's going on and that the expectation is that his dad will take steps to rebuild his relationship with his son gently. Support your son, let him know he is loved, don't minimise his feelings. He's right to be upset even if unintentionally his own internal insecurities and behaviour have contributed to the problem.

If your son isn’t happy with what is being posted in the group then he can leave!

My dad and his wife used to go on holiday with her children I never went every time with them and to be honest it didn’t bother me, I used to see my dad frequently as he only lived 5 minutes away and I spent a majority of my time there with him, I only used to only sleep at home

Step mum is orchestrating this with ex dh as puppet. Twats the both of them.

He's a 14 year old child! He's not responsible for making this new family dynamic work, his father is.

So many kids put into this situation, myself included, are expected to step up and make it work while their Dad cracks on with the 'new' family.

Not only is he going this kid going through all the stuff teenagers go through, his dad is leaving him out of a holiday for behaving essentially like teenagers behave.

Also OP, give him some autonomy to deal with his Dad. If he doesn't want to go or talk him let him.

Or he's yet another man setting himself up in a new, fresh off the shelf family without a second thought for anyone else?

But he does want to see his Dad. He wants to see the Dad he had before he got tangled up in this new 'family' which isn't his family.
He wants a relationship with his Dad, not a bit part in a 'family' he doesn't feel he belongs to , mostly because they don't include him.

Oh don’t get me wrong, my own children’s dad is a deadbeat and they have nothing to do with him.

But it does sound a bit weird that the minute she moved in, and not just when they got together (which was the case with my children’s dad and the many women after me).

As a willing puppet who could just say no, if he loved his son enough.

It looks like the your ex dh new wife has landed herself a good catch financially speaking and it is her who is driving a wedge between your ex dh and your son. She quite clearly doesn't want your son around while they are playing happy families with her family. My late S inlaw was like that with my brother who already had 4 kids to his ex wife. She managed to drive all his kids away. It is only now she is dead that he can speak against her. Some women are like that they are not prepared to share their nice well off new husband with his own children. Your ex dh seems weak and just goes along with what she wants to keep the peace. Your son will soon realise what an awful father your ex has become and not want anything to do with him. I hope your son has a good relationship with the new man in your life. Poor kid must feel like piggy in the middle.

@Aquestiontoponder It's extremely rare for an MN thread to stick in my head, in around 20 years of being on this site, but this one has.

There is not one redeeming feature of your son's relationship with his dad and step-family. In your shoes, I would be keeping your son away from them completely. Focus on helping him, perhaps/probably via therapy, to understand that it's not his fault at all. But I genuinely believe that him going to stay with that family is causing him more harm than good. The more you post, the more astonished I am at the extreme toxicity of it. Protect your son. You sound like you have the balls to do it, and the heart to comfort your son. I feel dreadfully sorry for him. 14 is such a delicate age and him feeling such displacement and hostility must be hurting in ways that might not be seen until the long-run.

I would be worried about how this is all going to play out for your son over the next few years, self esteem and rejection issues wise. If your ex refuses to listen how this is affecting him or stand up to his new partner and try to include him in a fair way then unfortunately youre stuck with this horrible situation. All you can do is talk to your son to let him know you can see the unfairness here and have his back and support him. He’s 14 for God sake, your husband’s behaviour is terrible.

teenagers are hard work. Your SS doesn’t sound that different to many other teenagers with their own bio family.

all I see is another case of adults breaking up one family, and then expecting their kids to just slot into whatever family their parents make with whoever they are shagging at the moment .

speak to your ex and maybe suggest they go away just the two of them. that avoids issues with the others but also gives them time alone.