Page 2 | Child excluded from holiday with other parent

Aquestiontoponder · 2025-07-14T10:25:03+00:00

Hi all. I just want to gauge if I am unreasonable for being annoyed? I have a 14 year old with my ex husband, We've been separated 10 years and he remarried last year. His wife has 3 children (15, 19, 25). I have just found out they are going on a cruise next month and have told my son he's not invited! It'll just be my ex husband, wife and her 3 children (I appreciate 2 are not classed as children). He feels really upset and excluded. There have been issues for a while where he feels excluded from what he sees as "their" family. My son says when he goes there he stays in his room and avoids contact with anyone. He doesn't really have a relationship with stepmum as he perceives she causes issues with his dad. Last year they went on a big family holiday and there were some issues. Largely stemming from the fact he doesn't feel part of the family and they are always "on at him". My son ended up trying to avoid them and it caused a huge falling out. He was messaging me daily saying he wanted to come home. To make it clear; I was encouraging him to speak with his dad about how he felt and advised to try and keep the peace. Once back my son heard his dad on a work call saying he was stressed after holiday and it was nothing to do with his step children because they are lovely, it is is biological son who is horrible. Obviously this upset my son further and he hasn't really wanted to go to his dad's. It's at the stage he dreads going but goes out of loyalty. His dad has always been a good dad and has very regular contact, however he has changed over the last few years. He doesn't really speak to me anymore (since he moved in with now wife). Anyway, they have basically told him they're off on a cruise next month and due to the stress of last year's holiday, he shouldn't go. They are going to leave it for this year and then he can go away with them next year. I also want to add that my son is genuinely a lovely, kind and caring child. He's considerate and honestly the best company, so he's not rude or hard work. He's upset and I'm not happy but my son doesn't want me to say anything. He already feels pushed out and this is making things worse.

IthasYes · 14/07/2025 11:53

Help him out of this toxic mess

outerspacepotato · 14/07/2025 11:53

Your son's behaviour around dad's new family has been an issue. He wanted to come home early from the last holiday.

I get he's the youngest in a poorly blended family due to a recent remarriage. I really get his feeling of being replaced and it sounds like he's got an accurate view of things. I think therapy would give him space to come to terms with how he feels about that.

But he's not always going to be included on his dad's vacations anymore. The last one, there were issues that caused a fight or big argument. That's going to make it even less likely for inclusion.

It would be nice if the dad could take your son on a short 1 to 1 holiday. I don't know if that's realistic or will happen, but it would help with his feelings of rejection.

This is going to be hard for him to live with but he's going to have to. That's why therapy. You can't tell him it's ok to resent his dad while he still loves him, but a therapist can have a safe space where he can express really complicated feelings and come up with ways to deal with that.

Good luck.

Original poster

Aquestiontoponder · 14/07/2025 11:54

SharkBaitOooHaha · 14/07/2025 11:51

Or his dad and step mum are complete dickheads.
Sounds to me like the new girlfriend wanted a new boyfriend to be dad to her children but wasn’t so keen on accommodating ops son and unfortunately ops ex has been weak enough to go along with it.
I’d be really pissed off too op, I’m not sure I’d even want my son going on the holiday. I’d let ex know that his son heard him talking on the phone and if his not careful his son will resent the hell out of him and it could ruin there relationship permanently.

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Oh he told him he'd heard him but his dad responded "well it's true".

OP posts:

Mrsttcno1 · 14/07/2025 11:54

Aquestiontoponder · 14/07/2025 11:47

My son is big on loyalty and fairness. He wouldn't want to upset his dad by not going. However he no longer wants to go and dreads it.

I have said he's old enough to make his own decisions and doesn't have to go. However I have also said that it's a real shame and he should have a conversation with his dad about how he feels.

Ultimately his dad has changed alt in the last few years. He sounds quite grumpy and short tempered and never used to be this way. He used to have a chat with me but now won't speak to me at all. Not that it's a huge issue, ultimately I don't need him to be friendly with me.

This doesn’t make sense to me. Your son doesn’t even want to go to his dad’s house for the weekend but yet would want to go on a family holiday?

Original poster

Aquestiontoponder · 14/07/2025 11:55

ExpertArchFormat · 14/07/2025 11:35

If your son lives with his dad 50% of the time he should be included in 50% of the holidays his dad goes on and 50% of the holidays that you go on. If the arrangements are more "every other weekend" then it woukd be reasonable for him to go on 3/14ths of the holidays his dad goes on and 11/14ths of the holidays that you go on.

Given that the last big holiday he joined with them was upsetting and stressful for all concerned it seems perfectly reasonable for them to have a holiday without him, but if his dad is a genuinely good dad he should be putting effort into the relationship with his son to try to heal the breach

It's about 60/40 (with me a bit more) but they only have 1 family holiday booked this year.

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sonoonetoldyoulifewasgonnabethisway · 14/07/2025 11:56

I would speak to his dad and explain to him how he is making his son feel. Not just about the cruise but about everything. He has gone from having a dad to having a whole other family - who were already family with each other - and he is expected to just fit in.

My dad did this, moved a woman in with her 2 DC and then had another 3 DC, I never felt welcome, the conversation was always about them, my SB & SS have a great relationship with my half brothers and sisters, I tried but its always been strained, i'm not one of them. We have been NC for about 15 years

Original poster

Aquestiontoponder · 14/07/2025 11:56

IthasYes · 14/07/2025 11:53

Right he's big on being fair to a dsd whose basically lost interest in him and doesn't have his back.

I don't think it's fair to say to your son it's a shame.

That's on dad.

I would not make anymore comments like that which may make Jim feel guilty and emotionally blackmailed.

Having him on a what's app group today then share pics of dinner out isn't inclusive.

Op remove these comments and just say whatever he wants is fine with you.

Sorry I'm confused, what comments have I made to my son to emotionally blackmail him?

OP posts:

DuskyPink1984 · 14/07/2025 11:57

From what you have written I think that your ex sounds like a very weak man, OP.

Ultimately, it will be his loss that he is not close to his own son. It's horrible, pathetic behaviour on his part. The holiday is one thing but how can he not notice that his son sits alone when at his house and doesn't engage with anyone? He should be taking his son out alone and simultaneously making every effort to involve him in his new family.

I would be inclined to book a lovely holiday or day out for you and your son. All you can do is be there for him.

Original poster

Aquestiontoponder · 14/07/2025 11:58

Mrsttcno1 · 14/07/2025 11:54

This doesn’t make sense to me. Your son doesn’t even want to go to his dad’s house for the weekend but yet would want to go on a family holiday?

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He wants a relationship with his dad. The reason he hasn't wanted to go is because he gets excluded and doesn't feel part of the family. They've excluded him before and only seem to do holidays and trips when he's not there.

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Freeme31 · 14/07/2025 11:59

I think it’s up to you as his mum to tell his father how upset he is, this idiot of a man needs told and you need to defend/stick up for your son so he sees someone is fighting his corner

Meadowfinch · 14/07/2025 12:02

But if he stayed in his room, tried to avoid them and was texting you repeatedly saying he wanted to come home, clearly repeating that is not in anyone's interests.

They've included your ds in the family WhatsApp group but he doesn't get involved. He doesn't want to go there any more.

It's hard but his dad now has a new extended family and that isn't going to change. Your ex's new wife is entitled to post about days out with her family. It's her life too.

It sounds as though your ds wants some alone time with his dad, which makes perfect sense and is understandable. Why not get him to suggest a ' boys long weekend' where he and his dad spend some quality time together. Do they have a shared interest?

SharkBaitOooHaha · 14/07/2025 12:03

Aquestiontoponder · 14/07/2025 11:54

Oh he told him he'd heard him but his dad responded "well it's true".

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I’d be so hurt if this was my son, and furious. I’d be worried sick about this lot taking him on holiday so he probably is better off with you. He is very young so having to deal with this rejection with the holiday/phone call/general not feeling welcome in there home is a tough thing for a child to swallow, just let him know how much you love him and maybe if you notice it getting to him some counselling? What are your ex husband’s family like, do your sons grandparents/aunties ect know how there grandchild is being treated.

Original poster

Aquestiontoponder · 14/07/2025 12:03

sonoonetoldyoulifewasgonnabethisway · 14/07/2025 11:56

I would speak to his dad and explain to him how he is making his son feel. Not just about the cruise but about everything. He has gone from having a dad to having a whole other family - who were already family with each other - and he is expected to just fit in.

My dad did this, moved a woman in with her 2 DC and then had another 3 DC, I never felt welcome, the conversation was always about them, my SB & SS have a great relationship with my half brothers and sisters, I tried but its always been strained, i'm not one of them. We have been NC for about 15 years

I'm so sorry you've experienced this. Blended families can be so difficult. That's the thing, I do understand. I'm in another relationship and my partner has a son. We also have a DC together but I try so hard to ensure everyone is happy and included.

I completely appreciate they will do things without him there, that's just life. Ultimately though I do feel his dad needs to be spending sometime with our son and make him feel included and welcome. I feel sad that they just don't have a good relationship anymore as my ex was a good dad.

I do appreciate people's opinions that maybe my son shouldn't be invited. However, this isn't going to do much to repair the relationship and going to further reinforce that he isn't part of the family and is excluded.

OP posts:

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 14/07/2025 12:04

Aquestiontoponder · 14/07/2025 11:58

He wants a relationship with his dad. The reason he hasn't wanted to go is because he gets excluded and doesn't feel part of the family. They've excluded him before and only seem to do holidays and trips when he's not there.

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Privately , I think he would not enjoy a cruise if he needs a quiet space to escape to.
Cruise cabins are tiny and crowded , unlikely he'd have his own space as the costs are ££
Getting away if he feels he wants to come home would be near impossible as he'd need to offload when the ship docks .

I thinks he's dodging a bullet but yes I can see he feels hurt and excluded

lunar1 · 14/07/2025 12:05

on Mumsnet, the child is always expected to be a better person that the parent and step parent.

it’s down to his dad to make sure he still feels included and welcome, it’s his dads job to talk about last year and how they can do better, and it’s his dads job to reassure his child that he is 100% his son and part of the family no matter what.

step children aren’t an optional extra, only to be part of the family when they put up and shut up.

Dinosaurshoebox · 14/07/2025 12:06

Is your son meeting this relationship half way?
He stays in his room and doesn't engage.
He doesn't like the holidays.
He doesn't like staying.

There is only so much they can do before they put the ball in his court.
Families dont and shouldn't have to chase and beg.

If he wants to be engaged and an active member then he needs to participate.

Pennyforyourthoughtsplease · 14/07/2025 12:07

Rhubarbandgooseburycrumble · 14/07/2025 11:28

I think this is a bit tricky, I can see your sons point but also if there was lots of drama on holiday and he was asking to come home, then I understand why they aren’t taking him.

His Dad needs to take him away separately to make this any better.

This. He didn't even enjoy it last time so why does he want to go?

Original poster

Aquestiontoponder · 14/07/2025 12:08

Meadowfinch · 14/07/2025 12:02

But if he stayed in his room, tried to avoid them and was texting you repeatedly saying he wanted to come home, clearly repeating that is not in anyone's interests.

They've included your ds in the family WhatsApp group but he doesn't get involved. He doesn't want to go there any more.

It's hard but his dad now has a new extended family and that isn't going to change. Your ex's new wife is entitled to post about days out with her family. It's her life too.

It sounds as though your ds wants some alone time with his dad, which makes perfect sense and is understandable. Why not get him to suggest a ' boys long weekend' where he and his dad spend some quality time together. Do they have a shared interest?

Surely though as the adult, his dad should actually be making an effort.

It's a cycle. He doesn't want to engage in a "family" chat that has pictures plastered in it of days out he's not invited to (they don't do anything nice when he's with them). It was also last year they were complaining of this. He was 13. He doesn't really use WhatsApp, he doesn't use our family WhatsApp that much either, it's very sporadic. His dad's wife also goes through my son's Facebook page and asked his dad to question him on why he had more photos from holiday with me than there holiday (he'd had his phone taken!).

And I'm sorry but I don't agree with telling him they are having a family father's day meal with his wife and step children but doing it after his biological son leaves.

OP posts:

cadburyegg · 14/07/2025 12:10

lunar1 · 14/07/2025 12:05

on Mumsnet, the child is always expected to be a better person that the parent and step parent.

it’s down to his dad to make sure he still feels included and welcome, it’s his dads job to talk about last year and how they can do better, and it’s his dads job to reassure his child that he is 100% his son and part of the family no matter what.

step children aren’t an optional extra, only to be part of the family when they put up and shut up.

I totally agree with this. He’s still a kid!!

Original poster

Aquestiontoponder · 14/07/2025 12:10

lunar1 · 14/07/2025 12:05

on Mumsnet, the child is always expected to be a better person that the parent and step parent.

it’s down to his dad to make sure he still feels included and welcome, it’s his dads job to talk about last year and how they can do better, and it’s his dads job to reassure his child that he is 100% his son and part of the family no matter what.

step children aren’t an optional extra, only to be part of the family when they put up and shut up.

This is how I feel. Our son is a child. He is the adult.

I also forgot to state that when at their house they watch films together and don't tell him. Also, when they were on holiday last year, he said his dad would go out without him and he didn't even know where he had gone.

OP posts:

cadburyegg · 14/07/2025 12:12

Dinosaurshoebox · 14/07/2025 12:06

Is your son meeting this relationship half way?
He stays in his room and doesn't engage.
He doesn't like the holidays.
He doesn't like staying.

There is only so much they can do before they put the ball in his court.
Families dont and shouldn't have to chase and beg.

If he wants to be engaged and an active member then he needs to participate.

What bs this is. The dad absolutely should be “chasing” the relationship with his child. This is his 14 year old son we are talking about, not an old friend that should “meet him half way”.

SharkBaitOooHaha · 14/07/2025 12:12

Meadowfinch · 14/07/2025 12:02

But if he stayed in his room, tried to avoid them and was texting you repeatedly saying he wanted to come home, clearly repeating that is not in anyone's interests.

They've included your ds in the family WhatsApp group but he doesn't get involved. He doesn't want to go there any more.

It's hard but his dad now has a new extended family and that isn't going to change. Your ex's new wife is entitled to post about days out with her family. It's her life too.

It sounds as though your ds wants some alone time with his dad, which makes perfect sense and is understandable. Why not get him to suggest a ' boys long weekend' where he and his dad spend some quality time together. Do they have a shared interest?

It shouldn’t be the child in this situation, a child who has heard his own dad slagging him off on the phone and when queried by his child was told.. It’s true, you are horrible!

Original poster

Aquestiontoponder · 14/07/2025 12:13

SharkBaitOooHaha · 14/07/2025 12:03

I’d be so hurt if this was my son, and furious. I’d be worried sick about this lot taking him on holiday so he probably is better off with you. He is very young so having to deal with this rejection with the holiday/phone call/general not feeling welcome in there home is a tough thing for a child to swallow, just let him know how much you love him and maybe if you notice it getting to him some counselling? What are your ex husband’s family like, do your sons grandparents/aunties ect know how there grandchild is being treated.

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I feel hurt on his behalf, largely because I don't think his relationship with his father will ever be the same again.

My son and I have a fantastic relationship and I take him away each year for a few nights on a European break, just the 2 of us; so he will have that to look forward to.

His family are really good. I get on well with the ex in-laws but I don't get into conversations about my son's dad.

OP posts:

CuriousKangaroo · 14/07/2025 12:13

I think the focus of your ire should be your ex, not his new wife. She might be a bit of a dick but your ex should shoulder all the blame for the deteriorating relationship with his son. A good father would not allow a new relationship/marriage to come between his relationship with his son.

I would consider a call or an email to the ex setting out how your son is feeling, because if he doesn’t know (though he should) he needs to be told. Avoid any criticism of the new wife or it will be put down to jealousy. How he then behaves is up to him but you will have tried and all you can then do is make sure you make your son feel loved and comforted.

It’s all a bit shit though. Your ex is an arse and a bad father for letting it get to this stage.

IthasYes · 14/07/2025 12:15

It's extremely understandable he doesn't want to be involved in the family chat or go there

Op you may not realise it but saying things to him ile

Like can you talk to your dad it's ashame and if you don't want to go it's a shame he was a cold dad etc are putting too much emotional pressure on him

He's not a good dad he sounds bloody awful and he's letting his new wife set the tone here

I agree you should be speaking to your ex about this and before ask your sin if he wants to visit at all. It sound it sounds extremely damaging to me and if he says no dont say oh that'd always shame just back him up