Child excluded from holiday with other parent

[Aquestiontoponder]

Hi all. I just want to gauge if I am unreasonable for being annoyed?
I have a 14 year old with my ex husband, We've been separated 10 years and he remarried last year. His wife has 3 children (15, 19, 25).

I have just found out they are going on a cruise next month and have told my son he's not invited! It'll just be my ex husband, wife and her 3 children (I appreciate 2 are not classed as children).

He feels really upset and excluded. There have been issues for a while where he feels excluded from what he sees as "their" family. My son says when he goes there he stays in his room and avoids contact with anyone. He doesn't really have a relationship with stepmum as he perceives she causes issues with his dad.

Last year they went on a big family holiday and there were some issues. Largely stemming from the fact he doesn't feel part of the family and they are always "on at him". My son ended up trying to avoid them and it caused a huge falling out. He was messaging me daily saying he wanted to come home. To make it clear; I was encouraging him to speak with his dad about how he felt and advised to try and keep the peace. Once back my son heard his dad on a work call saying he was stressed after holiday and it was nothing to do with his step children because they are lovely, it is is biological son who is horrible. Obviously this upset my son further and he hasn't really wanted to go to his dad's. It's at the stage he dreads going but goes out of loyalty.
His dad has always been a good dad and has very regular contact, however he has changed over the last few years. He doesn't really speak to me anymore (since he moved in with now wife).

Anyway, they have basically told him they're off on a cruise next month and due to the stress of last year's holiday, he shouldn't go. They are going to leave it for this year and then he can go away with them next year.

I also want to add that my son is genuinely a lovely, kind and caring child. He's considerate and honestly the best company, so he's not rude or hard work.

He's upset and I'm not happy but my son doesn't want me to say anything. He already feels pushed out and this is making things worse.

And of course he should not have to go and be treated badly. Who cares what any of the rest of them think or do - your only responsibility is to your own son. Showing him you lovingly have his back and understand how hurt he is by his father being a bad parent might make him realise at least one parent loves him.

His dad doesn't care, he has shown that. I'd encourage him to detach himself from his poor excuse for a father, as it won't get any better. Far, far better a parent who has buggered off than one who rubs it in your face that he doesn't love you and prefers your replacements.

Haven't rtft yet but already a few things are jumping at me.

It sounds like you are blaming the step mother for the situation. Why ? It's the dad's responsibility. It's not her job to manage his relationship with his son.

You point out that they do nice stuff when he isn't there and not when he is. Sounds to me like the step mother is organizing days out with her kids. When your son is there she leaves the ball in his dad's court to organize stuff. That's fair enough, isn't it ? And if dad's a bit shit and doesn't organize anything to do with his son, that's unfortunate but again, not her job to fix it.

As for the photos, I doubt she's posting them "at" your son to make him feel excluded. More likely she's sharing photos and stuff with her wider circle of family and friends, I don't think she should censor herself (and if she did your son would probably feel even more excluded, no ?)

The only part where I'd blame her is the father's day thing when he isn't her kids' father. That's a bit weird.

But in general it sounds a bit like she can't do right for doing wrong. Whatever she does, if she doesn't share stuff she's excluding him, if she does she's rubbing his nose in it.

Bottom line : it doesn't sound like the step mom is doing anything wrong, your son's dad however is not "ultimately a good dad", it sounds like he's a pretty shit one.

I'd sit down with ds and explain he doesn't need to be loyal to his dad. This could potentially trigger an awful trauma response, if not already by these pricks. I'd go through courts now and get evidence of ex dh earnings and money he sends. You need to concentrate on healing your ds. Best of luck and give ds a big hug from me.

And I'd also start looking at therapy for your ds ASAP. I was loyal to my biological mum when I found her at 17. She then got bored of me and when her other dd was old enough to see her again she dropped me and didn't want to know anymore. This triggered further trauma to me already by the fact I was adopted and further rejected again. I have borderline personality disorder and depression. Please please let your ds know he doesn't have to give a shit about his dad.

I think it’s tricky really. If he doesn’t feel involved and there was stress and drama because of it last time they all went away, I’m not really sure why he wants to go anyway. I understand he feels left out, but does he honestly make an effort when he’s with them? There must be a reason why his dad thinks he ruined the last holiday.
I can see why the rest of the family aren’t keen to have him if he made the previous holiday so difficult.
Blended families are hard. I don’t know if there’s even a decent answer here.
I feel for your son, but I can see why his dads family might be reluctant to invite him again.

Your ex husband needs to make the effort to build a strong relationship with his son. He needs to spend the time with him when he is in his house, take him out one on one, spoil and celebrate him. BS that of treating all children equal, because they are not. Having a father's day meal, but only when your son is gone.... and then refusing a mac from gran! No way!
And to overhear your father saying you are horrible and stressed him on his holidays. Compared to the ideal step children...
This is far far far too much.
Your son should tell his father. And not see him till he addresses the way he is treating his son. He is treating him differently from the others. Plain to see. Failing that, text your ex or write a letter to him spelling it out.
Nobody should be treated like this.
If I were your son, I would make very clear to my father that I am not going on any holiday next year. Or ever, if he keeps up with the BS.

And of that is too much drama for his father, then tough shit. Better no contact than a relationship that destroys your self worth and confidence.
It is not rocket science.

First of all I'm not blaming the stepmum. I've categorically said several times that it's 100% dad's fault. However I do believe she instigates. They were together 7 years before moving in together and things were not like this at all. It started once they moved in together.

Secondly. His dad always used to do things with DS, take him out and spend quality time together. That has also changed since they moved in together. His dad has told DS that he won't take him anywhere/do anything without the rest of the family as it's not fair...even though they do lots without him.

Thirdly, no she doesn't need to share pictures on a family WhatsApp group (consisting of just ex husband, her, her 3 "kids" and my DS when they have had a day out/fancy meal without him.

Stepmum literally doesn't speak to him. She scavenges through bins to find wrappers of things he may have eaten from my house, just so she can tell his dad. She searches through his Facebook and tells his dad to have words with him about the fact he has a few more photos from a trip with me than on their trip where he had no phone to take photos. It's just odd.

Come on. Assuming even half the things the OP says are true, the SM is completely mental! But ultimately she chose to be with a man who already had a dependent child. Its a package deal. If the man is a half decent human being, that child is his first priority (ahead of her, ahead of her children). But IME quite a few women just don't think through or want to think through the implications. And the man then mostly goes a long with the new woman. Of course if there's a No 3 in the future No.2's children will also be dropped like a stone too. Its really sad.

I wish the part about the dad changing surprised me, but I've seen it happen multiple times IRL. Dad just wants to play happy families with his new partner and children and his own children are expected to just slot in or are dropped altogether. Seems especially common where the partner's children have no dad of their own on the scene. Its incredibly fucked up.

What a shame that a young teenage boy has to deal with this because his father is weak-spirited and his step mother has multiple issues. Teenage years are full of hormones and emotions, and the damage done with his father now will never be repaired to its full potential.

Your ex has tried for so long to appease his wife that he’s probably changed his thinking. She seems very manipulative but not in an obvious way, and your ex is parroting whatever she tells him eg, “my stepchildren were great on the holiday, but my son was disruptive”

I doubt things will get better, which is sad, because nothing should come between the relationship of a parent and child.

It sounds to me like the step Mum is actually so bad she is abusive. Going through bins to find sweet wrappers and have a go is mental. Especially as most of the time she ignores him. I think it is up to you OP to protect your son. He is too young to know what to do. Yes it will cause issues. Your son should not be made to go visit his Dad when his Dad isn't there a lot of the time. Write a letter detailing the issues, reduce contact and go to court to make it official if needed, talk to your ex MIL to explain the issues and ask for some support for her grandson - ideally setting up some regular visits so he can rebuild a relationship with that side of the family. Your son is not strong enough to make the decision to reduce contact himself. Also get a new CMS claim in. Get what you can as you can guarantee step mum will ensure your son is cut out of any futurr will.

So what tools are you going to give your son to help him through this? Starting with his social media. What can you do?

Ok so the step mum is a bin dipping weirdo but still she is probably conducting all this shite and ex dh is the puppet. Absolute pair of cunts.

💯 this

@Aquestiontoponder the dad is not thinking of the future at all, is he? his son is going to grow away from him. he has seen the attitude and neglect of his father worsening for a few years now. this situation is not going to improve and will only worsen. son will eventually just cut him out of his life! he is barely in it anyway at the moment/

Your son does want a relationship with his dad, he’s feeling rejected and unwanted, so is saying he doesn’t want to visit him but that’s his coping mechanism. Underneath the hurt and fear, he just wants his dad back.

I would speak to your ex and explain that your son is feeling uncertain about it all and a bit out of place. Ask if there’s anyway he can take your son somewhere fun just the two of them, even if it’s one night at a theme park.

I know your son asked you not to say anything but I think your ex needs to know how your son is feeling and it’s likely he’s not understanding due to his current wife taking over and him wanting an easy life or perhaps being too emotionally simplistic to not see why your son was the way he was on the last holiday.

Until they address the root cause of it, I don’t think going on the cruise is a good idea. Your husband needs to focus on giving your son some quality 1:1 time and attention. Lots of praise, reassurance and security in their relationship. His new family is nothing to do with it really.

The stepmum is abusing your son and his father is enabling it.

Your son is a child and, while a child that age would usually be supported by a family court to make their own decisions about where to spend their time, I'm not sure that this would be the case if there is evidence of abuse.

I think you need to have it out with your ex actually. Your son should not have to safeguard himself from abuse. It's up to you as the parent to step in. Either your ex puts a stop to the belittling and criticism of your DS, makes him feel welcome and tells step mum to zip it, or you won't let your DS visit and he can take you to court. Your DS may be reluctant to take the initiative to stop the visits himself, but you can tell him that you as the adult will take responsibility and unfortunately it is not a healthy or safe environment for him to be in. So you're putting your foot down and he's not staying there for the foreseeable future.

Haven't rtft so maybe the OP added info that puts the sm in a worse light. Maybe she isn't great. But the one who is responsible for making the son feel welcome is the dad. Ultimately, it sounds like the dad is the one who doesn't realize that he's a package deal with his son !

At the end of the day, the dad can't be arsed, unless you want to argue that sm is somehow forcing him to be this useless (yet he's staying with her and it doesn't sound like he is fighting in his son's corner, complaining about his son on the phone, etc, so again, his responsibility).

Stop blaming women for men's failings. Dad is the one with a responsibility to his son, not the stepmom. Dad is the one who should want his son to be around (doesn't sound like he does). Why on earth would it be sm's job to make it happen ?!

The dad is responsible for looking after the child, yes, but the stepmum is victimising, verbally abusing, cold-shouldering and isolating this boy.

That's not blaming her for his failings. Those are her failings.

It's one thing not to make up for the inadequacies of your partner's parenting, it's quite another to be actively unpleasant to a young boy in your house.

@Goldbar if the OP added that, that's some dripfeeding because it wasn't in the first two pages.

I just think it's irrelevant how nice or how awful the sm is. It's the dad's responsibility to provide his son with a warm and welcoming environment. I wouldn't stay with someone who treated my children badly, yet it doesn't seem to bother him.

Read the OP's posts.

If anything, she's being over generous to the stepmum because of the view (which I agree with btw) that it is for parents not stepparents to parent and spend time with their children. That's all very well, but stepparents who choose to step back still need to maintain a friendly neutrality around their step-children or, at the very least, not be hostile to them.

The fact that caring for the boy is his father's responsibility is in no way a license for her to abuse and harass him.

I dont blame the StepMum for the Dad's shitty parenting.
I do blame her for how she's acted towards a young boy in her home.

Always best to read all the Op's posts particularly when the thread is a long one. Most sincere Ops respond to questions that ask for additional context.

She sounds bonkers. Definitely some of the blame lies with her.