Child excluded from holiday with other parent

[Aquestiontoponder]

Hi all. I just want to gauge if I am unreasonable for being annoyed?
I have a 14 year old with my ex husband, We've been separated 10 years and he remarried last year. His wife has 3 children (15, 19, 25).

I have just found out they are going on a cruise next month and have told my son he's not invited! It'll just be my ex husband, wife and her 3 children (I appreciate 2 are not classed as children).

He feels really upset and excluded. There have been issues for a while where he feels excluded from what he sees as "their" family. My son says when he goes there he stays in his room and avoids contact with anyone. He doesn't really have a relationship with stepmum as he perceives she causes issues with his dad.

Last year they went on a big family holiday and there were some issues. Largely stemming from the fact he doesn't feel part of the family and they are always "on at him". My son ended up trying to avoid them and it caused a huge falling out. He was messaging me daily saying he wanted to come home. To make it clear; I was encouraging him to speak with his dad about how he felt and advised to try and keep the peace. Once back my son heard his dad on a work call saying he was stressed after holiday and it was nothing to do with his step children because they are lovely, it is is biological son who is horrible. Obviously this upset my son further and he hasn't really wanted to go to his dad's. It's at the stage he dreads going but goes out of loyalty.
His dad has always been a good dad and has very regular contact, however he has changed over the last few years. He doesn't really speak to me anymore (since he moved in with now wife).

Anyway, they have basically told him they're off on a cruise next month and due to the stress of last year's holiday, he shouldn't go. They are going to leave it for this year and then he can go away with them next year.

I also want to add that my son is genuinely a lovely, kind and caring child. He's considerate and honestly the best company, so he's not rude or hard work.

He's upset and I'm not happy but my son doesn't want me to say anything. He already feels pushed out and this is making things worse.

I think this is a bit tricky, I can see your sons point but also if there was lots of drama on holiday and he was asking to come home, then I understand why they aren’t taking him.

His Dad needs to take him away separately to make this any better.

Hi op there is a chance he does behave differently there can you ask your dh this with an open mind just in case?

Then you can find out why, although it seems obvious because he's being left out but he may be in a vicious cycle now.

Whatever however I think it's absolutely dreadful to do this to him, far better to invite him but with a caveat we want to have a good time etc what can do to make that work etc.

I think personally it could damage your son's self esteem to make him keep going somewhere he is treated like this.

It's not fair.

If he didn't want to go anymore I think you should support rhst.

Well your son is obviously doing something to be overheard being complained about being hard work.

Are you able to talk honestly and openly with your ex? Maybe a conversation would help, not about the cruise as such but that things seem to be going wrong in the family set up.

I get it to be honest, considering he didn’t enjoy last years holiday, was asking to come home, and spends his time at their house in his room not speaking to anyone then I can see why he hasn’t been invited and equally can’t understand why he would want to go?

The situation broadly with his dad is a separate issue but specifically regarding this holiday, I can’t say I blame them for not inviting him or for thinking he wouldn’t want to come anyway.

I think you have wrote a very balanced post op.
I dont think theor is an easy answer or in this case a right or wrong answer about the holiday. Your ds was miserable on the last one and wanted to come home everyday. Dc doesnt want to engage with step family so I can see why they didn't take him

Practically could you message ex and ask if he could do some 1:1 trips with dc, a couple weekends away just the two of them?

If your son lives with his dad 50% of the time he should be included in 50% of the holidays his dad goes on and 50% of the holidays that you go on. If the arrangements are more "every other weekend" then it woukd be reasonable for him to go on 3/14ths of the holidays his dad goes on and 11/14ths of the holidays that you go on.

Given that the last big holiday he joined with them was upsetting and stressful for all concerned it seems perfectly reasonable for them to have a holiday without him, but if his dad is a genuinely good dad he should be putting effort into the relationship with his son to try to heal the breach

So he wasn't telling his dad he wanted to come home. He was messaging me.

There were huge issues on that holiday in general as the grandparents took away my ex and his family and their daughter and her family. There was a lot of conflict between my son's cousins, one of which apparently had to be escorted away by security (at 16). So it was a stressful time but from what I've told, mostly due to other conflicts.

Ultimately my ex was always a good father but hasn't really done anything with our son since moving in with his wife. For instance, on father's day she makes a huge fuss and gets her kids to make him a special meal etc but arranged it for after my son left. So he knew they were celebrating father's day without him. Lots of things like this have happened and he has felt excluded for a long time.

Given the last holiday/general relationship with the step family I can see why they haven't invited him.
But, Dad should be stepping up to spend some holidays with him 1:1

but why would he want to go? He hated it last year.

YANBU op it would be a cold day in hell before I left a 14 year old child of mine behind and went on a family holiday without them. In a non blended family it wouldn’t be ok at all so I don’t know why it’s different for a blended family. Even if son was a bit grumpy that’s no excuse for not inviting him this year. Teenagers can be hard work, that doesn’t mean they should be excluded from holidays!

Well as they say behaviour is communicating so if he's being left out as I mentioned he's maybe feeding back into that cycle.
You say he's a good dad but it's not sounding great right now

Does your so want to keep going.

The cousins and grandad part is confusing whose grandad? Your ex parents the new wives parents?

The issue is that the reason they had issues on the last holiday was due to the fact my son feels excluded from the family.
He's said he feels uncomfortable with them all. For instance they have a family WhatsApp group and when my son didn't really engage in it (doesn't hugely use it) they started complaining and stating he doesn't want to be part of the family.

Another example; his stepmum posts lots of photos on the family group of them out together for meals and days out when he's not there.

Also, I've just remembered that they also went on holiday without him 2 years ago. They didn't tell him they were going and he saw the pictures that step mum put on Facebook.

I just see how excluded he feels and ultimately his relationship with his dad has hugely suffered and it's a real shame.

@cadburyegg I was going to write the same but didn't know how to word it tactfully that in a normal family set up we don't get the option to just leave our dc behind

So it's understandable that he's acting uncomfortable

Op can you say whether he still wants to visit it sounds like a soul destroying experience

Sorry I didn't mean to confuse.

Basically the holiday last year was paid for by my ex husbands parents. They took their son (my ex) with his wife, her kids and our son. They also took their daughter (my son's aunty) her husband and kids and there were huge arguments with them!

He's not a very good dad.

Seems like he is cosying up to his new family.

It's no wonder son feels excluded.

Unfortunately it's really common.

Even here though to play devil’s advocate, how could they win?

He’s included in the group chat, but he doesn’t contribute anything to it.

If he wasn’t in the group chat he would feel excluded, but now that he is in it he feels excluded because they do things without him- he isn’t there 24/7 so there will be things done without him.

It does sound like there are issues for his dad to address but as far as this holiday goes your son doesn’t speak to them when they are in the same house here, why would anyone involved think going away together would be a good idea?

I understand why your son feels increasingly distant from his dad and his new family but considering his last holiday, it sounds fair enough that he shouldn’t go this year. Is it more about the principle that he’d like to have been invited and a chat beforehand saying that he didn’t enjoy previous holiday so shouldn’t go on this one would have been better received?
I think that your ex should have arranged some different 1:1 time with his son though.

I’m sure that your son is as great as you say but I very year there are loads of posts on here about 12-15 ish year olds going on holiday and spoiling it by hiding in the bedroom on their phones rather than exploring etc Is it possible that your son’s behaviour was seen like that? I’m not sure why ds isn’t feeling relief to some extent ? Is it about the bigger picture of feeling increasingly distant and this being concrete proof?

My son is big on loyalty and fairness. He wouldn't want to upset his dad by not going. However he no longer wants to go and dreads it.

I have said he's old enough to make his own decisions and doesn't have to go. However I have also said that it's a real shame and he should have a conversation with his dad about how he feels.

Ultimately his dad has changed alt in the last few years. He sounds quite grumpy and short tempered and never used to be this way. He used to have a chat with me but now won't speak to me at all. Not that it's a huge issue, ultimately I don't need him to be friendly with me.

Or his dad and step mum are complete dickheads.
Sounds to me like the new girlfriend wanted a new boyfriend to be dad to her children but wasn’t so keen on accommodating ops son and unfortunately ops ex has been weak enough to go along with it.
I’d be really pissed off too op, I’m not sure I’d even want my son going on the holiday. I’d let ex know that his son heard him talking on the phone and if his not careful his son will resent the hell out of him and it could ruin there relationship permanently.

Last year they hated it and your son hated it, so why would anyone want to repeat the experience? Could your son and his dad do a short break for just the two of them? Can you talk to your ex about it?

He's 14, he just doesn't really use WhatsApp. I don't think he enjoys seeing pictures that the step mum plasters all over it showing his dad with her children. They don't do anything when he's with them for the weekend but when he's not there, he gets to see pictures of his dad on days out with her children. Of course I appreciate they will do things without my son but it definitely feels they are rubbing it in his face.

Furthermore, a few months ago my son's nan (husbands mum) took him for some dinner after school (she collected him from school). She sent a picture of my son having his meal in the family WhatsApp group. 2 hours later step mum posts a pic to the family group of his dad and her son in a fancy restaurant having food!

Right he's big on being fair to a dsd whose basically lost interest in him and doesn't have his back.

I don't think it's fair to say to your son it's a shame.

That's on dad.

I would not make anymore comments like that which may make Jim feel guilty and emotionally blackmailed.

Having him on a what's app group today then share pics of dinner out isn't inclusive.

Op remove these comments and just say whatever he wants is fine with you.

My son wants a relationship with his dad though. He's desperate for it but he gets angry if he tries to talk to him.