Child excluded from holiday with other parent

[Aquestiontoponder]

Hi all. I just want to gauge if I am unreasonable for being annoyed?
I have a 14 year old with my ex husband, We've been separated 10 years and he remarried last year. His wife has 3 children (15, 19, 25).

I have just found out they are going on a cruise next month and have told my son he's not invited! It'll just be my ex husband, wife and her 3 children (I appreciate 2 are not classed as children).

He feels really upset and excluded. There have been issues for a while where he feels excluded from what he sees as "their" family. My son says when he goes there he stays in his room and avoids contact with anyone. He doesn't really have a relationship with stepmum as he perceives she causes issues with his dad.

Last year they went on a big family holiday and there were some issues. Largely stemming from the fact he doesn't feel part of the family and they are always "on at him". My son ended up trying to avoid them and it caused a huge falling out. He was messaging me daily saying he wanted to come home. To make it clear; I was encouraging him to speak with his dad about how he felt and advised to try and keep the peace. Once back my son heard his dad on a work call saying he was stressed after holiday and it was nothing to do with his step children because they are lovely, it is is biological son who is horrible. Obviously this upset my son further and he hasn't really wanted to go to his dad's. It's at the stage he dreads going but goes out of loyalty.
His dad has always been a good dad and has very regular contact, however he has changed over the last few years. He doesn't really speak to me anymore (since he moved in with now wife).

Anyway, they have basically told him they're off on a cruise next month and due to the stress of last year's holiday, he shouldn't go. They are going to leave it for this year and then he can go away with them next year.

I also want to add that my son is genuinely a lovely, kind and caring child. He's considerate and honestly the best company, so he's not rude or hard work.

He's upset and I'm not happy but my son doesn't want me to say anything. He already feels pushed out and this is making things worse.

If he’s excluded from this holiday then I doubt the holiday next year will be a pleasant experience either as the dad is doing nothing to make him feel more included in his new family. Ultimately it’s up to the dad to make an effort and there’s not much you can do about it. Maybe take your son away on holiday at the same time if you can.

His nan once text the family group and said she'd get a McDonald's for my son on the way home and his dad said no, not unless she was bringing one for her other 3 children. Which I would understand if they were actually children.

Did the Nan think this odd as well? Would they say anything of their grandchild behalf he he spoke to them?

Honestly it sounds like he's being set up to fail - complaing about not enough pictures of their hoidlay when his phone was taken - Dad not coming home till 9 pm and step mum not talking to him but they insist he goes over earlier.

I think a frank conversation to DS that you can't change how people behave just how you react. Reassure him that if visist are upsetting him he can stop and you'll have his back. That visists declining in time is normal in teen years - and it's not his job to run round after his Dad - his Dad should be one putting in effort to spend time with him.

I think those saying that the OP's son should get more stuck into the family haven't necessarily picked up that the stepmum's behaviour is abusive towards the OP's son. The OP's son shouldn't be expected to be in an abusive situation, let alone have to work out how to change the dynamic.

Because he's a 14 yr old child who needs to feel wanted by his dad?

At 14 if he didn’t want to go to his dads I would no longer make him

and if he is not being made to feel welcome that’s down to his dad who should have sorted it not made out his own son was the issue

sadly, " I also want to add that my son is genuinely a lovely, kind and caring child. He's considerate and honestly the best company, so he's not rude or hard work." is not always how he is around other people.

You may need to have a group chat with your son and his dad and see what actually went on and peace it out

From what I read your son doesn't really want to go to his dad's and he does it for loyalty, last holiday was bad, he does not get involved in the family, he does not make contact ans stays in his room. If it was me I would think I wouldn't want to invite him because he would be forced to do something he does not enjoy. Is clear your son does not enjoy his dad's family company so i do not understand why he feels excluded now. If he wants relationship with his dad...that is on his dad who should nurture this away from his family, one to one days out or fishing trip should be planned by dad, but to put all family in an uncomfortable situation with a child who does not want to be there is not the way, sorry.

No way would my son be going somewhere to be ignored by his stepmother. She sounds vile, but his father is worse as he is allowing his own son to be treated like a second class person!

I'm so sorry to hear you went through this, it's awful. I can see how it would have an impact on your relationship as an adult and this is what I worry about for my son and his dad. Of all my friends that have separated from their husbands, all husbands have a new family and none of the bio children want to visit anymore. It's so sad. I'm also conscious with how my own stepchild must feel as his dad and I have a young child who is obviously with us all of the time. It's so important to be mindful of these things.
I do genuinely believe that my DS's stepmum is causing huge issues but also recognise his dad needs to take control.

What on earth is this 11/14ths nonsense? Kid is off school, dad is off work, family is going on holiday - can’t think of any good reason that he isn’t taking his child with him. Just shit behaviour from the dad.

Basically a year old boy behaved like a 13 year old boy on holiday and so his father has punished him by not inviting him on the next one. I suppose it’s easier to do this when you don’t have the child living with you, and see him less than 50%. That doesn’t make it ok. No wonder the poor kid feels excluded.

Yes I will be.

Ironically I took my son away last year on a 3 day European break. My ex husband took his wife and step children away on a holiday without my son. When my son questioned it he said that it wasn't fair on "Rachel's" children (2 of which are adults) that he got to go to Poland and they didn't get a trip...even though they had been on holiday together that year.

This is hilarious. Last week we had a similar post from a woman’s point of view - wanting to go abroad while her eldest was at his dad’s (possibly going away himself) and she was absolutely lynched. Such a different response when it’s a dad doing it.

That’s not how family holidays work. You can’t just chop children’s lives in exactly half like that.

I agree with what you're saying but it just hasn't happened. After last year DS didn't want to go at all. He did because he felt he should but he dreaded it. Last year was the first father's day he didn't want to spend with his dad. Which I felt sad about for both of them because he's always looked forward to choosing him a gift and seeing him. I ended up texting my ex husband and saying i felt it was sad he wouldn't be seeing DS on father's day but DS is feeling excluded. However maybe if he came to get DS and spent just a little time doing something, I'm sure he would love that. Ex husband didn't reply to me but messaged my son saying he'd collect him. However he just took him back to the house.

I think you’re very quick to look for blame everywhere here . And whilst I do understand and it doesn’t sound like the dad is being great. We aren’t taking my step kids this year. Every year since we met I’ve paid for everyone to go on holiday. This year I can’t afford for 6 people. So why should my kids miss out? Maybe it’s the same there. Your son will get a holiday with you, so I really don’t see the huge issue. It’s clear you hate the step mother and want to blame her for everything, but sometimes it’s just a practical thing and as I said in my first post, it doesn’t sound like your son makes any effort and doesn’t want to go anyway so I wouldn’t be wasting my energy on this

in the bigger picture , speak to your ex separately about how the relationship can be improved , it doesn’t need a holiday for that.

This is so sad.

I think you need to step in because this will do lasting damage, he is too young to know the best way to handle this.

It seems as though he is asking you permission not to have to go, but your rightly so or not, encouraging him to keep going.

I would remove him from the whatsapp group if it is causing him so much upset.

This boy doesn't know how to handle his emotions and is acting out and nobody is listening or supporting him, this isn't about a holiday, this is about feeling abandoned by his own father and family and not knowing how to make things right and sounds like the adults in the situation are making it worse or not helping the situation.

His dad is not a good father, he is failing his son to keep his new family happy.

If your son stays in his room and avoids contact when at his dads then I can fully understand why they don't want to take him on a cruise. He can't stay in his cabin the whole time

Discussions need to be had with your ex as to why your son isn't integrating

Not been in contact with many teenagers, have you? Few teenagers would be going on holiday with their families if this was the benchmark.

Really? I was blamed age 13 for my mum committing suicide. I still don't understand why as i was a normal child. It's not outside the realms of possibility then, that a parent can be a dick and it not be the childs fault. No idea why you would jump to that being the kids fault.

Maybe because my ex husband earns a huge amount and his wife works part time, so he's funding his 3 step children to go on holiday (2 of which are adults) but not his own child.

Ah ok. Gotcha.

Also I don't hate the stepmother. She's nothing to do with me but how she treats my son does impact upon me. I bet you "wouldn't be wasting your energy" with your step children. That's very clear from your post to be honest!

I don’t waste my energy on things I can’t change . As long as my kids get their holiday none of rest of it has anything to do with me. So I just stay out if it.

Maybe I am seen as encouraging him? I just don't want to be seen as discouraging him.
I've made it very clear he is old enough to make his own decisions and he doesn't have to go if he doesn't want to. I've also made it clear he can go less, do there's not as much moving around. However, I've also tried to encourage him to speak to his dad about how he feels because he doesn't want me to.

And you’re going to explain that to the 14yo how?

How are you going to ensure he isn’t hurt whilst he is pushed aside and told he isn’t welcome anyway?
Aside from who is paying for said holiday?