Child excluded from holiday with other parent

[Aquestiontoponder]

Hi all. I just want to gauge if I am unreasonable for being annoyed?
I have a 14 year old with my ex husband, We've been separated 10 years and he remarried last year. His wife has 3 children (15, 19, 25).

I have just found out they are going on a cruise next month and have told my son he's not invited! It'll just be my ex husband, wife and her 3 children (I appreciate 2 are not classed as children).

He feels really upset and excluded. There have been issues for a while where he feels excluded from what he sees as "their" family. My son says when he goes there he stays in his room and avoids contact with anyone. He doesn't really have a relationship with stepmum as he perceives she causes issues with his dad.

Last year they went on a big family holiday and there were some issues. Largely stemming from the fact he doesn't feel part of the family and they are always "on at him". My son ended up trying to avoid them and it caused a huge falling out. He was messaging me daily saying he wanted to come home. To make it clear; I was encouraging him to speak with his dad about how he felt and advised to try and keep the peace. Once back my son heard his dad on a work call saying he was stressed after holiday and it was nothing to do with his step children because they are lovely, it is is biological son who is horrible. Obviously this upset my son further and he hasn't really wanted to go to his dad's. It's at the stage he dreads going but goes out of loyalty.
His dad has always been a good dad and has very regular contact, however he has changed over the last few years. He doesn't really speak to me anymore (since he moved in with now wife).

Anyway, they have basically told him they're off on a cruise next month and due to the stress of last year's holiday, he shouldn't go. They are going to leave it for this year and then he can go away with them next year.

I also want to add that my son is genuinely a lovely, kind and caring child. He's considerate and honestly the best company, so he's not rude or hard work.

He's upset and I'm not happy but my son doesn't want me to say anything. He already feels pushed out and this is making things worse.

It’s a really crap thing to do. Would they do if it both parents to him, no. I would express your feelings to your ex. My ex is getting annoyed at my DS for not going round there so is responding by being in a mood whenever he does go. One way or another a lot of dad’s just seem to be rubbish at actually resolvíng things. Excluding him is v poor and will damage their relationship.

When my DH got divorced it ironically improved his relationship with his kids no end. They were 10 and 12 and they no longer had their mother as a buffer - who was always there and who ran their lives. Suddenly my DH had them on his own for weekends. He had to come up with activities. He took them on holiday each year - just the three of them. It was terrific for them all.
When i entered the picture I had no kids and we married and had two. The eldest of his children moved in with us, but declined to go on holiday with us (not really fun with a baby and toddler), but the younger one did. Not sure how much he enjoyed it though!
It has been suggested several times that your ex take his done on a few weekend just the two of them. Could you put that to your ex? Your son doesn’t want to be an add on to his dads new family, he wants his father to pay attention to him.

Would your son consider counselling. It might be good for him to have an independent person to talk to. Sometimes there is support at school he could access. And yes he can change contact if that’s what he wants.

Your ex isn’t a good dad he’s harming his child’s self esteem. I would suggest to your ex he spend time with your son without his blended family as your son wants a relationship with him. But the rest is up to your ex.

My ex is the same he does take dc away but only once a year on a cheap weekend doing exH hobby he doesn’t include them on his expensive holidays or anything that dc would choose for themselves.

excellent post.

I remember being a PITA on holiday when I was that age. I would always look forward to going but the reality was that while I was there I had FOMO with what my friends were doing and there wasn’t much to do. I’d still have been devastated though if my parents excluded me the following year!

My experience of my own family and seeing many others is dads put their partner first (child has to fit in, new woman often makes the rules), and mums put their kids first. Obviously there are exceptions but more often than not this is how it goes.

Thank you for this post, it is really useful.

My son is definitely finding it harder going between two households and would rather stay here. However he wouldn't want to see his dad less as he feels bad. Plus his dad is not happy with him missing a day.

He loves his dad and wants a relationship with him. I think he'd just like to occasionally have some one on one time. I do appreciate that isn't always possible due to a new family dynamic, however 2 of the step children are adults.

His dad is very much about treating the children equally. So the SC get the same at Xmas etc (fair enough) but I also think he's gone too far with it. For instance, my son goes to his nans sometimes after school and she occasionally gives him some snacks. He wasn't allowed to take the snacks home unless he shared them with the step kids (even though 2 are adults). His nan once text the family group and said she'd get a McDonald's for my son on the way home and his dad said no, not unless she was bringing one for her other 3 children. Which I would understand if they were actually children.

Obviously I know teenagers are not perfect but it's an adults job to be the bugger person.

I would personally change the set up. Your son doesn't feel wanted going to stay at his dad's. Instead staying the night, could he arrange to meet his dad outside of the house to spend 1:1 time with each other, then return to your house in the evening? Or sometimes stay the night at his grandparents and the dad comes over.

That way he is still having a relationship with his father without the step family.

Your son should very much be invited, this is a their problem not his

My stepdad is my world, he never excluded me from anything and has been more of a dad and grandad than my real father - in fact, that was the last straw with my father, the last time we spoke he made a flippant comment about how he never liked my stepdad - after all he had done for me (brought me up from being a toddler, i wanted for nothing, my mum and dad had split up a long time before she met him), after that I just thought I am done, I don't need this toxic man in my life anymore - and I've never regretted it

I agree it's a tricky age and he's hit puberty but honestly I have no issues with him at home. He's lovely. He got up this morning, made his bed and made me a cup of tea for when I came down.

He also loves doing things and going out. When we go away he loves traveling and seeing new places and wouldn't sit on his phone (unless we are in the hotel during the evening). He's great to go away with...from my perspective 🤣

@Aquestiontoponderare you taking your son on holiday?

His dad is very much about treating the children equally.

Except when it comes to holidays though.

I don't think being on that Whats App group is helping your son at all.

Also I forgot to add...

Last week they told DS that next year they are all going on a family holiday together (my son included).
DS told me that he had had a conversation with his dad and some things had been resolved.

Then a few days later he tells him he's not invited on this year's holiday.

To me it makes no sense.

As many posters have said this seems to be centred around the Dad and what he's willing to do to help, sadly it may be that he views his child as the issue and not him.

It's wouldn't take much for him to organise a holiday with his son, it wouldn't take much for him to have understood how hurtful that he has a fathers day dinner once your son had left when he could have placated him with a separate nice meal or experience for the 2 of them, neither would it take much to explain to his new wife that he has to be a father sometimes however difficult his child might be.

I don't for a second think your ex is always the bad guy and your son is an angel but if communication is mostly body language then what a sad thing your ex has just said to your child.

I think it would be a good suggestion but he would refuse. He wants him there in the evenings. Annoyingly there are times when he won't h.be home from work until 9pm and he still won't allow our son to stay with me. So he ends up going to a house he doesn't feel comfortable in, without his dad there. He says stepmum doesn't even look at him, let alone talk to him.

Yes, I feel the same way about my two, but holidays are centred around things I know they’ll enjoy, they’re great company and we have fun travelling - but they are still puberty struck teenagers so it’s not always plain sailing. I just think as a society we’re loosing the give and take that is part of all relationships. Yes it might be an easier, nicer holiday without your DS, but they’ll also miss the part of him that is funny, good company and lovely, need to take the rough with the smooth.

I think they are stuck in a bit of a rut, your son being a child sounds like he is going out of his way to exclude himself (sitting in his room alone avoiding everyone) He is immature, of course he is, he's a child, he doesn't know how to handle these feelings in a productive way so he is just sulking - well they don't want me around so I will just stay out of the way.

This results in a catch-22 the step family see him as difficult and that he doesn't want to be there so they exclude him.

That reinforces your sons view that he isn't wanted. All he wants is his Dad to include him and he doesn't know how to communicate that. He shouldn't have to of course, his dad is an adult and should have his sons needs front and centre.

Your son should not have to fix this, however you have no control over the others so maybe you could suggest to him that he really tries to get involved, be around, include himself when at dads. They will include him more if he seems like he wants to be there.

Separately you could suggest to dad that they have some 1 - 1 time and remind him that your son is still only a child who loves his dad.

I should also add that doing things the two of them isn't an option apparently. I don't think he's "allowed" - obviously this is totally on him.

I feel for your son. My brother and I were 13 and 15 when our parents separated and Dad pretty much instantly went on a skiing holiday with OW. In all the time until I turned 18, Dad never once took us on holiday with him, despite taking holidays with my now stepmother to all kinds of places and expecting us to be happy for him doing two holidays a year and not thinking to include us.

We eventually got taken on one skiing holiday when we were 17 and 19, but that was largely because my stepmum was pregnant and Dad wanted to be able to ski with someone.

Once they had their own kids, they got into a rhythm of two holidays per year, and even now my half-sibs are in their thirties, they still all go on family holidays together paid for by Dad and stepmum. And OK, it’s their kids and they can spend their money how they please, but it’s just the blatant favouritism I have a problem with. Stepmum tried to literally write us out of Dad’s history when providing bios for things, as well as doing her absolute best to fuck up any chance of our parents being able to work things out without interference, and I’m somehow expected to still be the dutiful daughter and pretend I don’t see how the youngest is the golden child and her son the golden grandchild. And DS sees that too and it hurts him.

I’ve long since learned to just accept that this is who they are and that I can’t expect any improvement. But since this all started almost 40 years ago, I can say that it has still left its mark and I was absolutely conscious of the slight. Your ex needs to step up and understand that how he is behaving will have a long term impact on his relationship with his son if he doesn’t make an effort. And the stepmum really needs to stop making it a competition and think about how she would feel about her own kids being treated this way.

What would he do if your son just decided he didn’t want to go? As he gets older he’ll not want to move about so much and I wouldn’t go and stay in a house where one of the householders refused to speak to me - I certainly wouldn’t be sending my child into that.

Is there any chance your ex could see things from your son’s point of view? If not I’d be supporting my child only to go as often as he was comfortable.

I dont think they are family. It is a shame blending hasn't worked better but I think ds should try/hope to be part of that family. Focus on improving relationship with his dad and once he feels more secure there he may feel less upset about step siblings. Perhaps suggest to ex that time with ds might be better than overnights. Dinner, bowling, pool once a week might be better for them both?

@Aquestiontoponder The more you say the worse it sounds. I feel very sorry for your son. His dad is letting him down badly, it's very sad.

Also, may I suggest to you and your son that you delete/block/hide their Facebook profiles so you don’t have to see what they have been up to.

Your ex needs to understand that the dynamic of the relationship has changed. Your DS isn't a small child anymore.

Your role in this is to support and guide your DS to stand up to his father to put in place a schedule that works for him.

The stepmum's behaviour towards your son is emotional abuse. Your son needs to know that he doesn't have to be around people who emotionally abuse him, and he can tell his dad this.

Your son is at the age where a court would be likely to support him to make his own decisions as to who he spends time with. But of course he's still very young so it's going to be hard for him to stand up to adults who are angry at him asserting himself and with whom he has a complicated relationship.

Just keep telling him - he's the child here, he's not responsible for anyone else's feelings or anger, the important thing which all the adults should be focused on is him thriving and feeling comfortable and he's old enough now that he has a big say in his own life and what will help him to feel safe and happy.

Your poor, poor son. His father is the problem here, he is a boy who just wants to be loved by his dad.

You don't get to leave family members behind on family holidays. That's why they're called family holidays. I don't know what to say except how sorry I am for your son that his father isn't a good parent to him.