Child excluded from holiday with other parent

[Aquestiontoponder]

Hi all. I just want to gauge if I am unreasonable for being annoyed?
I have a 14 year old with my ex husband, We've been separated 10 years and he remarried last year. His wife has 3 children (15, 19, 25).

I have just found out they are going on a cruise next month and have told my son he's not invited! It'll just be my ex husband, wife and her 3 children (I appreciate 2 are not classed as children).

He feels really upset and excluded. There have been issues for a while where he feels excluded from what he sees as "their" family. My son says when he goes there he stays in his room and avoids contact with anyone. He doesn't really have a relationship with stepmum as he perceives she causes issues with his dad.

Last year they went on a big family holiday and there were some issues. Largely stemming from the fact he doesn't feel part of the family and they are always "on at him". My son ended up trying to avoid them and it caused a huge falling out. He was messaging me daily saying he wanted to come home. To make it clear; I was encouraging him to speak with his dad about how he felt and advised to try and keep the peace. Once back my son heard his dad on a work call saying he was stressed after holiday and it was nothing to do with his step children because they are lovely, it is is biological son who is horrible. Obviously this upset my son further and he hasn't really wanted to go to his dad's. It's at the stage he dreads going but goes out of loyalty.
His dad has always been a good dad and has very regular contact, however he has changed over the last few years. He doesn't really speak to me anymore (since he moved in with now wife).

Anyway, they have basically told him they're off on a cruise next month and due to the stress of last year's holiday, he shouldn't go. They are going to leave it for this year and then he can go away with them next year.

I also want to add that my son is genuinely a lovely, kind and caring child. He's considerate and honestly the best company, so he's not rude or hard work.

He's upset and I'm not happy but my son doesn't want me to say anything. He already feels pushed out and this is making things worse.

He didn't want to stay in his room. They told him to. He loves traveling and seeing new places ...he said he didn't even know where they were half the time. They do got angry if he doesn't time with his cousins/grandparents and not "the family".

It really is awful when dads do this with their “do-over” family, and I’m sorry you’re seeing so much evidence of it around you.

As for me, I am blessed with a mother who remained dignified and loving throughout, and had a stepdad who was the epitome of how to treat your stepkids.

I don’t doubt that with the example your ex is giving you of how not to be a step-parent, you’re doing everything you can to make sure your stepson doesn’t go through what your son is 💐

They weren’t bothered. They are going with their mum, my kids going with me. We don’t overthink it.

This plus the having to share his sweets with a 19 and 25 year old. Is your ex not seriously embarrassed that he's step parenting a pair of grown up babies? Are they all living at home still? Is he paying for them all too? He's never really been their "dad" has he, given their ages. Sounds like step-mother is cutting out your son to ensure her children get all his attention and resources going forward. And your stupid ex is going along with it. I'm surprised you talk about him in such glowing terms. He sounds weak and, frankly, nasty. He also sounds like many men who move on to other families where the step children are older than his own children. They get to skip the difficult teen years with the step children, and expect their own teens to have a level of maturity commensurate with the steps - although these Smarties stealing step children sound like they have the emotional maturity of toddlers.

Sorry I misunderstood. That is disgraceful that they are making him stay in his room.

Still think talks with your ex are needed. He's a shit parent from what I can see

So a man cannot afford to take the 2 children he already has on holiday, and you choose to have 2 children with him—he now has 4 children that he cannot afford to take on holiday. Cool cool.

So are they angry about this because they want to ensure the step children get the same relationship as your DS with your ex's extended family, or rather, that he isn't getting something the step children are not getting?

Or for his own kid for pretty much anything else.

No, I had my own children. No shared children. He doesn’t pay for my children. They have a dad.

What? They told a 13 year old lad to stay in his room whilst they went out and left him in another country?! For what reason?!

That is extremely concerning - and actually slightly abusive - behaviour.

Why the hell do you even want him to go away with them again if this is how he was treated on their last holiday?!

I suppose I talk about him positively because the person I knew was genuinely a lovely person and good father. I think he himself has become quite grumpy and stressed. During COVID and before they moved in together (they'd been together unheard at this point) we had long conversations at pick up. He said they were planning on moving in together because she wanted that and he was putting it off. Especially as he was hoping the eldest would move out before they got a place together. He then reflected and said "things used to be less stressful when we were together". He also told me son he was marrying her because she'd never been married and he wanted to give her the experience! So I do wonder if he's under a lot of stress (he's definitely grumpy and snappy). However he's made all his choices and taken on a lot, so it must be what he wants. I just hope he can be a bit more mindful of how our son feels.

So step mother is basically trying to erase you and your son from your ex's life and that of his sister and parents, yes? Or at least keep your roles in their lives minimal and preferably second class, while she and her children take centre stage. And he's letting her because she never got to be a young bride.

Sorry my phone badly autocorrected. They were angry that my son wanted to spend time with his grandparents and cousins instead of being with them (dad, stepmum and step siblings).

DS is close to his grandparents however he rarely sees them anymore. When he and I were together we would do a lot with his family, Sunday dinners, weekday visits etc but it's not been the case since he met his wife.

I don’t think these visits are healthy for your son , but ultimately it’s up to him if he wants to keep going .I would imagine his dad is living on borrowed time because as your son gets older won’t even want to go . I can’t believe a grown adult would demand a teen share snacks with other teens and adults and can’t have a Mc Donald’s .

Well I definitely feel she wants me gone (fair enough, I don't need any contact with them) and I genuinely feel she wants my son away as much as possible too. It seems my ex rarely sees his family now.

I should also add that her children's dad isn't involved. He's spent years all over the internet saying he's not allowed to see them. Obviously I don't know the full story with that one.

Please can you clarify. Is your ex and his wife and stepchildren seeing the grandparents regularly? Or are you saying the ex isn't and neither is your son.

X post, thank you for clarifying @Aquestiontoponder

His Dad needs to take him away just the two of them I think.

25yr old wants to go on family holiday?

I think it's bizarre that your exh is feeling that it's so important to balance the time and money he spends on his stepchildren (2 of whom are grown up) with his birth child.

I think he needs to take his ds away on his own for a few days - that shouldn't trigger a desire that his step children go away with him for a few days (presumably they've got a dad too).

Is there anyway you can email him and suggest this?

If your exH won't do this, I guess you just have to support your son - there's no way I'd suggest my child go on another holiday where he feels so excluded (and tbh you can see why he does). Your exH should be championing him, not blaming him.

25 year old wants a McDonalds and some of his 14 year old step brother's sweets!

@Aquestiontoponder I was going to propose your DS think of a hobby he could do on contact days with just his dad away from their home. However, I imagine that will just result in demands the 25 year old gets to go wall climbing (or whatever) as well. But I think that might be the answer if it's possible. He needs time alone with his dad away from these awful people.

I can see this is upsetting, but you don't really have a say in whether or not your ex includes your son on this trip. The sensible thing to do would be to have a discussion with your ex about what is going on at their house and how it is affecting your son/what he is going to do to improve matters. It doesn't make much sense for them to take him on holiday if he doesn't enjoy being with them, and caused issues on the last one. I appreciate his behaviour isn't an issue to you, but if he struggles with their rules and expectations, it is an issue for them. No one wants a holiday that centres around a moody teenager who can't behave.

The Fathers Day Meal breaks my heart more than the holiday. I can understand them doing the separate holiday but he definitely should be arranging something with his son himself.

I hear this is story from a lot of my friends and their exes. I am so so sorry for your son x

He stays in his room all the time and avoids contact with anyone but is upset that they don't organise days out and meals with him.

He goes on holiday, hates it, avoids the whole family, and begs to come home every day but is upset when he's not invited the next year.

He won't interact with his stepmum because he "perceives" she causes issues, but is offended not to be included in things with his stepmum.

He feels left out of a WhatsApp group but won't participate in the group.

Relationships- even between children and parents- go two ways. It sounds like your son isn't putting any effort into being part of his Dad's family and is actively avoiding interacting with anyone, so obviously they aren't going to see him as part of the family. He's doing a very good impression of someone who absolutely does not want to be part of the family.