To not shout at my child to go back to bed in the middle of the night

[Gagamama2]

My partner and I are at loggerheads with my son's behaviour. There's lots going on during the daytime as well but the issue I'd like to know is who is being the more reasonable one at night, me or my partner.

My son is 6, with possible ADHD / Dyspraxia / SPD (all to be assessed soon once I've saved up the money).

His sleep has always been a bit up and down, but we've had a fairly good 6 months of it. Recently (within the last month) he has been waking up at night and wanting reassurance. He is scared of the dark and has to go to sleep with his main light on. I then switch this off and leave the hall light on with his door wide open, but he still doesn't like being alone. In the daytime he will not stay in an area of the house by himself, or go into the garden by himself, as he says he is scared of being alone.

On the two nights a week when my partner isn't here and he wakes up I put him back to his bed when he comes into me, give him reassurance, get him water etc. He generally goes back to sleep within 20 mins.

But when my partner is here he shouts at him to get back to bed. pushes him back into his room. slams our door shut etc etc and I can't stand it. He tells me not to go in there as I'm making him worse and making the sleeping patterns worse. Last night I listened to my son crying for 15 mins, then he stopped. 10 mins later I went in to make sure he wasn't completely covered by the blanket (he does this to make himself feel less scared) as its too hot to have it over his head etc. He was wide awake under the blanket sweating like mad. He needed the loo so I took him, got him some pjs that weren't wet with sweat, and put cream on his eczema as it was itching. He then went back to sleep v calm. All in all took about 15-20 mins.

I am fuming with my partner that he can treat our son this way. It's the same night after night. But AIBU?? perhaps I'm being too soft and he would have gone back to sleep by himself? I'm not sure it's normal for a 6 year old to be needing so much reassurance and support at night but then again maybe what's normal doesn't matter? of course I would LOVE a whole nights uninturruped sleep. I'm not getting up in the middle of the night for the fun of it. And doing all the emotional support work for my kids without my partner taking any of it is really taking its toll.

how terrifying for your boy. so sorry. Totally unacceptable.

He sounds absolutely awful, your poor DS.

If he doesn’t want to encourage the night waking with lots of attention then I get that, additional needs to not withstanding it’s a pretty well established technique that typically works well, but you do it the supernanny way and lead them back to bed silently or at most repeat a boring phrase like ‘it’s bedtime now’. There’s absolutely no excuse for shouting and pushing.

Is your partner your son’s dad?

My mother used to do what your DH is doing now. Eventually I gave up trying to get support or comfort, so she thought it was successful. In reality, I used to lie awake for hours hiding under my quilt terrified and crying every night. I was NC with her from the moment I left home at 18. It was part of a pattern of nasty, unempathetic behaviour that left me very emotionally damaged and needing a lot of therapy as an adult.

I wouldn’t lie listening to my child cry for 15 minutes.

You and your partner need to discuss and agree a plan for dealing with your child not sleeping. It may be that you’re too accommodating and your partner sounds too harsh, there may be a middle ground but also I always found that once I had one sleep problem cracked, another would pop up again.

Disturbed sleep is horrible for everyone, so whatever gets the most people the most sleep is what wins in my house. Both my two had sleep issues and only recently aged 12 and 14 have they settled down. Before then it was a combination of quickly settling them back to sleep, co sleeping in various combinations and changing rooms, bedding etc to get the right combination. You do need to speak it through though because you need to be on the same page.

@Darragon that just upset me. No child should have to feel like this.

Your partner sounds like a dickhead. You're doing it the right way - you're awake anyway by that point so what's the point in listening to the poor soul crying instead of helping him settle back down?You're not being too soft, you're supporting your child.

The one thing that is certain is that all children are different. My sister slept in with my mum most nights until she was 14, it's just how she was, especially after her dad left. She grew out of it in her own time. Your child will grow out of his night-time fears in his own time but shouting and bawling at him and refusing him comfort won't help in any way.

I'm of 2 minds on this. As a ND kid, I couldnt sleep with the light off, but my mum got me a small bedisde lamp that got left on.. I gradually gre out of it. So that might be a way round it for that.

As for the getting up to settle him, it looks like your way works. However its also probably better to get him used to not having someone there, or its going to re-enforce an unhealthy (and does already sound a little unhealthy) co-dependancy .
Can you get a lighter weight blanket so that he doesnt get too hot (I bury myself under blankets too, and i'm in my 30's at this point.)

I'm also not adverse to laying down consequences - though your DH's methods might be a little harsh - I also dont entierly disagree with the sentiment....

Is he under any health teams at the moment? Can they suggest any fixes for the sepaaration anxiety? I could offer dozens - but they only work for dogs!!

He's 6, with potential additional needs...I think you should trust your gut on this one, children don't stop needing you just because it's dark.
Being woken in the night isn't great, but you may end up with bigger problems down the line if he doesn't feel safe now.
Is your partner your child's dad? I would be having a hard think if your partners behaviour is something that you want to continue exposing your child to because it sounds damaging.

Also your partner has absolutely no right to dictate to you that you don't go in to your son when he's crying, absolutely no right at all.

Is your partner your son’s dad? If he isn’t I wouldn’t let him stay over unless your son isn’t there (at his own dads?). If it’s the case that he isn’t his dad and your son is with you 7 nights a week you probably have some hard decisions to make.

Yes he is my son's dad (and the other kids dad too). We are together etc, he is only away two nights a week because of work

Your partner is abusive. Put your foot down and care for your poor scared little boy. This made me so sad to read

Thank you. I agree. It just feels so wrong.

Ok so it is his dad. Are you honestly happy being with a man who leaves his son to cry for 15 minutes at night? Why didn’t you go earlier? Are you scared of him?

Looks like it is his dad as op says 'our son'.

That sounds awful, I'm so sorry. It's exactly what I don't want to happen for my son. I was the same as a child and couldn't sleep without the blanket covering my ear until I was into my 20s. Although I still see lots of my parents I am not emotionally close to them and I don't feel fully comfortable around them

He is being totally unreasonable to shout, push and slam doors. That's not parenting at all, it's just bullying and you could argue an abuse of power.

Is he like that during the day as well? Is it just the general way that he is?

If it is out of character, is he open to discussion about how to tackle nights?

This can't continue anyway. You're right it's not going to solve the problem, it will just exacerbate it.

I don't think your way is making things worse but I would expect if my husband had different ideas about how we should handle something that we can talk about it and come up with a plan together.

Sorry but no way could I allow my Husband to treat my child like that, it's abusive and awful. It's not unusual for a 6 year old to need comfort, but even if it was, your child needs it. Yelling at him, pushing him and slamming doors is disgusting behavior and will only make him more unsettled. He needs to figure out a way to cope with his anger because it's unacceptable.

I suppose I'm confused about whether my way is right or not. You hear of people doing the cry it out technique on babies and I think this is what my partner is thinking he is doing when he just leaves him to it. I'm not sure if I'm right or he is but in my gut it onset feel right at all

Dd2 was a great sleeper as a baby and thenas a toddler it went to pot. She would often wake in the night and I would get in bed with her sometimes as she clearly needed that reassurance. I think it was stopping by six but she still needed me to sit with her for a bit when she got back into bed, and like your ds she would fall back asleep and be fine. She is 8 now and unless she is ill or had a bad dream she doesn't wake up and if she does to have a wee just gets back into bed. It's ridiculous but I almost miss being needed!

They are still young and need comfort and reassurance. I agree with you that 20 mins out of your night to reassure him is better than listening to him cry and then being tired the next day because he has been awake for so long. Could you leave his big light on though? He might feel better about a light room than seeing that he I'd in dark but the landing is light?

Why is this awful man still in your lives? Honestly, your instincts are spot on here, please don't let this selfish bully force you to override them.

Your partner, not your child’s dad? No way should he be getting involved. I would be pushing him out of the house if he treated my child like that.

Can’t you just agree that you will deal with him in the night? I know it’s tiring but better than having a distressed child and a bloke who sounds like he can’t control his temper.

I'd say your instinct - to care for your son - is the right one.

I hope you are ok also. The situation with your partner doesn't sound pleasant.

There are quite a few shades of gray between your approach and that of your partner. What he’s doing is unacceptable and it must be having an effect on the other children in the house. You will say ‘oh, they sleep through it’ - they very probably don’t and to hear their sibling being treated like that must be terrifying.
I reckon the best case scenario if I were you would be that I’d refuse to sleep in the same room as my partner and instead share with my child until no longer needed, my worst would be LTB. No child will live in fear in my house. I spent too much time as a youngster listening to. Abusive behaviour and hiding under my duvet.