To not shout at my child to go back to bed in the middle of the night

[Gagamama2]

My partner and I are at loggerheads with my son's behaviour. There's lots going on during the daytime as well but the issue I'd like to know is who is being the more reasonable one at night, me or my partner.

My son is 6, with possible ADHD / Dyspraxia / SPD (all to be assessed soon once I've saved up the money).

His sleep has always been a bit up and down, but we've had a fairly good 6 months of it. Recently (within the last month) he has been waking up at night and wanting reassurance. He is scared of the dark and has to go to sleep with his main light on. I then switch this off and leave the hall light on with his door wide open, but he still doesn't like being alone. In the daytime he will not stay in an area of the house by himself, or go into the garden by himself, as he says he is scared of being alone.

On the two nights a week when my partner isn't here and he wakes up I put him back to his bed when he comes into me, give him reassurance, get him water etc. He generally goes back to sleep within 20 mins.

But when my partner is here he shouts at him to get back to bed. pushes him back into his room. slams our door shut etc etc and I can't stand it. He tells me not to go in there as I'm making him worse and making the sleeping patterns worse. Last night I listened to my son crying for 15 mins, then he stopped. 10 mins later I went in to make sure he wasn't completely covered by the blanket (he does this to make himself feel less scared) as its too hot to have it over his head etc. He was wide awake under the blanket sweating like mad. He needed the loo so I took him, got him some pjs that weren't wet with sweat, and put cream on his eczema as it was itching. He then went back to sleep v calm. All in all took about 15-20 mins.

I am fuming with my partner that he can treat our son this way. It's the same night after night. But AIBU?? perhaps I'm being too soft and he would have gone back to sleep by himself? I'm not sure it's normal for a 6 year old to be needing so much reassurance and support at night but then again maybe what's normal doesn't matter? of course I would LOVE a whole nights uninturruped sleep. I'm not getting up in the middle of the night for the fun of it. And doing all the emotional support work for my kids without my partner taking any of it is really taking its toll.

You are 100% doing it right and your partner is 100% wrong, and needs to stop this or leave. Your son is 6, that’s so little, even without the added challenges of being ND. Children often need comfort in the night, and parenting is a 24/7 job, not a 7-7 day job.

Your partner is being a prick im sorry x

Sounds like your partner could possibly be a dick head?

Don't minimise. Nothing here is "borderline"

Dump the "partner" and put your children first.

Agree, he has had a nightlight for years and was recently given a special Mario theme one for his bday (he loves all things Mario) in the hope it would help. He has a clock thing in the opposite corner of his room which plays gentle music, glows to light up that corner, and changes colour when it’s time to get up. He has lots of special soft toys to hug for comfort in the night. But it goes deeper than all that

If this was a boyfriend you should dump him immediately.
As it's his dad maybe try family therapy or parenting courses (so that he can hear from professionals how wrong he is being) as he will get awarded overnights alone if you split up.

But the fact that you're 'not allowed' to comfort him is terrifying and this sounds like abuse therefore I would discuss this with the school safeguarding lead or your gp or a domestic abuse charity for help.

In the short term, please get your son a bigger bed or a mattress on his floor and go to his room and sleep with him when he's upset, just leave his nasty dad to sleep on his own.

It sounds like you also have your work cut out dealing with your dc on your own…what bed do you have that rolls out from under your sons? Does it fit under there fully made up so you can just climb in? I think that would be a great solution although would have to rejig his room around a bit as quite a lot is currently stored under the bed. When my partner is away for the night ds sometimes comes into my bed if he is finding it hard to settle but partner won’t tolerate that at all when he is home (and never has for any of the others when they were younger either).

Well your dp is an idiot. He is making dc is more awake with his idiotic reaction and drama.
Peacefully walking dc back, popping dc back to bed and tucking in probably much more affective. Quick kiss and cuddle and im sure goes back to sleep much quicker

Oh completely agree. Plus then all my adrenaline is pumping from listening to all the upset and drama, and being furious at my partner. I then couldn’t sleep between 1am and 4:30am and had to take myself off to the sofa because was so wide awake and angry / distressed. No one needs any of this it’s all so unnecessary and comes from him being unreasonably stubborn about changing parenting tact from how he thinks it should be

I think you are both in the wrong. Both of your actions, although very different, are reinforcing your sons anxiety.

Thank you for the validation. I get that it’s frustrating and partner wants to be able to put himself first for once but sometimes as the adult you don’t get what you want! I’m hoping if any diagnosis’s are made it will open up his eyes / mind to parenting classes and changing parenting methods. Currently he is against the referrals as he says “everyone gets labelled” and blames it on my
parenting. Much easier and cheaper to do this than actually working out what it wrong…so I will pay for them and then when the results come in his can either apologise and do better, or I’ll be off with the kids

It isn’t borderline abuse, it is abuse. It’s abusive to you as well to prevent you going to your son to comfort him. Unbelievable.

My mother was always very cross if my brother or me had the temerity to wake them in the middle of the night.

For context I need to say that we lived in a thatched cottage in the country & I was born in 1963.

So, I'm aged about 13. We had rats/mice in the house & father put poison down. I woke up in the middle of the night to discover a dying rat next to my bed. 😱

I go into my parent's bedroom, try to wake my father. My mother wakes up & shouts at me asking me if the house is on fire otherwise there's no valid reason for waking them.

I go into my younger brother's room to ask him to help me get rid of the rat. I was rather scared of rats.

Father, hearing the fuss, gets out of bed & starts to deal with the situation.

Mother hearing the fuss gets out of bed & shouting at everyone saying, again, if the house isn't on fire, there's no reason to raise the whole house & I'm a naughty girl for disturbing everyone.

Then she saw the rat next to my bed.....attitude changed. 😂

YABU because you know it's wrong and he's making your son unhappy but you are continuing the relationship.

What would you do differently to what I’m doing? My son ends up back in his own bed and asleep within about 15-20 mins if I just get up and meet his needs calmly

No one, especially my DH would keep me away from my crying child. I'm really sorry hes making you act against your gut instinct. Your child will remember this (whether consciously or not) and it will affect them. Please go to your son next time, he is obviously scared

You are reinforcing his anxiety by affirming he has something to be anxious about. I would work with him on very slowly getting used to be alone for short periods in the house and garden. And working to find other ways he can handle anxiety at night e.g. favourite cuddly soft toy, breathing exercises. It would be a slow process. but I would not just be ignoring his anxiety by reassuring him.

To be honest, in my gut I knew it was wrong before starting this thread but genuinely in my head I wasn’t sure. I feel like I’ve failed because none of my kids have been good sleepers and it makes me think I’m doing something wrong. So although I don’t like the way he is handling it I’m stuck in a limbo thinking “well maybe he is right, what do I know”. This thread has been eye opening in how one sided it has been and has his given me confidence in how I’ve been doing things

Your ds is possibly neurodiverse and he is 6. Not 16 or 26 - he is still a very young child.

you are giving him reassurance and that is clearly what he needs

I feel so sad and upset about what I just read. Your partner is utterly horrible and that is just no way to treat a young child

some babies sleep through, some don’t, some dcs sleep through - some don’t - you parent the child you have, not someone else’s

Please keep reassuring your ds and helping him find ways of settling himself back to sleep and also need to find a way of addressing this with your partner.

someone higher up suggested the “super nanny” way of dealing with this - before I was a parent I thought this was such a good way to handle kids

as a parent of a ds who is ND (but only recently diagnosed) those ways would never have worked for him, but other ways have worked. He was the first baby at baby group to sleep through at 6 weeks - and one of the easiest babies and toddlers - but it hasn’t always been plain sailing since then

a night light might be a good idea for night time but also he needs you to help him settle please don’t leave him to cry like that again - he’s not naughty - he’s struggling with being on his own - let your partner be by himself & go look after your ds

I wish you well with everything

My DH is doing bedtime tonight.
He’s not able to be calm, there will be drama.
No patience at all for DS…
It’s totally needless. Yeah, he’s tired.
He goes on worse than a toddler.
It’s why I do it 90% of the time…

if it was just a case of giving him a fav cuddly toy and doing breathing excersises then it would have been sorted out months ago because obviously these are things we have been trying for months. He also learns these kind of methods with the senco at school because he has v low levels of self esteem and resilience there which then cause anxiety. Sadly they aren’t really working, although without them I suppose the situation could be worse so maybe they are

Years later my then widowed mother had an alarm that would get in touch with me should she need it.

I get a phone call from the alarm operator at about 03:00am telling me mum's alarm had gone off. Long story short she'd accidentally set it off in her sleep. She shouted at me when I arrived (me expecting to meet her fallen down somewhere) saying that she hadn't asked to be woken up in the middle of the night & told me to piss off.

After that she didn't wear her alarm because she didn't want me to be called in in the early hours - despite me saying that was the purpose of the alarm & I was happy to do it.

Unfortunately she had a fall in her bathroom in the early hours. I didn't find her until I went to check on her at lunchtime the following day.

She was taken into hospital & then a care home where she died 3 weeks later.

I can't help thinking that, if she'd been more amenable to accepting help, if she'd have live longer.

She was always a feisty independent person & maybe just as well that she died being that way?

Sorry you’re shouldering it all. It’s shit xx

Imagine how your son felt, frightened and pushed by grown man (someone who should love him) back into the place he’s scared of.

I know I couldn’t do what you did.

I know what you’re saying about doing sleep right.
I have friends who bring their kid back every time.
Let them cry. Be alone. Not allowed into their bed.
I co-slept my DS. I loved being in my parents bed.
There’s no right or wrong, IMO. Just your own way!