To not shout at my child to go back to bed in the middle of the night

[Gagamama2]

My partner and I are at loggerheads with my son's behaviour. There's lots going on during the daytime as well but the issue I'd like to know is who is being the more reasonable one at night, me or my partner.

My son is 6, with possible ADHD / Dyspraxia / SPD (all to be assessed soon once I've saved up the money).

His sleep has always been a bit up and down, but we've had a fairly good 6 months of it. Recently (within the last month) he has been waking up at night and wanting reassurance. He is scared of the dark and has to go to sleep with his main light on. I then switch this off and leave the hall light on with his door wide open, but he still doesn't like being alone. In the daytime he will not stay in an area of the house by himself, or go into the garden by himself, as he says he is scared of being alone.

On the two nights a week when my partner isn't here and he wakes up I put him back to his bed when he comes into me, give him reassurance, get him water etc. He generally goes back to sleep within 20 mins.

But when my partner is here he shouts at him to get back to bed. pushes him back into his room. slams our door shut etc etc and I can't stand it. He tells me not to go in there as I'm making him worse and making the sleeping patterns worse. Last night I listened to my son crying for 15 mins, then he stopped. 10 mins later I went in to make sure he wasn't completely covered by the blanket (he does this to make himself feel less scared) as its too hot to have it over his head etc. He was wide awake under the blanket sweating like mad. He needed the loo so I took him, got him some pjs that weren't wet with sweat, and put cream on his eczema as it was itching. He then went back to sleep v calm. All in all took about 15-20 mins.

I am fuming with my partner that he can treat our son this way. It's the same night after night. But AIBU?? perhaps I'm being too soft and he would have gone back to sleep by himself? I'm not sure it's normal for a 6 year old to be needing so much reassurance and support at night but then again maybe what's normal doesn't matter? of course I would LOVE a whole nights uninturruped sleep. I'm not getting up in the middle of the night for the fun of it. And doing all the emotional support work for my kids without my partner taking any of it is really taking its toll.

I didn't think from what you wrote that this man could be your son's father.

I don't understand how a father could treat he son so awfully. Why doesn't he get up in the night and look after you son? As someone who suffers with eczema, my heart breaks for your little boy.

YANBU. I’m a believer in meet the need and the need goes away, within reason with gentle boundaries.

My oldest was diagnosed with ASD and SPD at 8 and needs melatonin to get to sleep so we’ve had our share of sleep disturbance. My youngest was extremely clingy and often needed a cuddle at night, she was still coming in at about 5.00 for a snooze and a cuddle at age 6. She’s now on the ASD pathway and has dyslexia and dyspraxia. I’m certainly not a perfect parent or even close but they are both content, well attached but independent teens now.

I went to sleep alone and scared every night because I learned from an angry father not to ask for comfort. It was terrifying and damaging. What your partner is doing is abusive and will have life long consequences for your son if you don’t step in and stop him now. Six is so young. He needs love, care and support to feel confident to sleep alone, not bullying aggressive door slamming and shouting.

For comparison, when DD was 9 she was badly bullied resulting in a very distressing incident that left her afraid to sleep alone for over a year. During that year she slept with us every night or with me while DH slept in the spare room. There was no question from him. He understood she needed to feel safe, secure and loved. We gradually worked on her feeling safe alone in her room when she was emotionally strong enough. At one point that included DH sleeping on her floor, reading to her until she fell asleep or just sitting with her. He would do anything to help her at any time, then and now, because he’s a loving supportive dad who prioritises his child’s wellbeing.

That is terrible.
My own son is ND, and we had years of night wakings, tears, bad dreams, seeing patterns in the door, the ceiling etc. I get that it's exhausting, and that you can be at the end of your tether. However, on the odd occasion that I even snapped at my child, I came to realise how unhelpful that is in the long run.
Your son needs reassurance, and compassion, both of which your partner isn't helping with. My son is now 14 and still sleeps with a lamp on.
Your partner is an arsehole.

Sorry if this is a stupid question, but have you tried leaving his light on?

If he gets to sleep and stays asleep with it on there's no reason to turn it off surely? And it might help him when he wakes.

My 11 yo dd sleeps with a very bright lamp on - it makes her happy and comfortable.

To answer your original question, your partner is absolutely in the wrong here. No child should be left scared in their own bed. He should be ashamed of himself

Horrible. Just horrible

Your husband is a cunt.

No your partner is not being kind

Thank you everyone. I've been reading all the replies just don't have time to reply to everyone inbetween work. People's shocked responses have been very validating and helpful. I suppose its just been going on so long (9 years, as my previous two have had their ups and downs with sleep as well) that I've normalised it more than I should and have and become confused about what is acceptable and what isn't. I need to have a long hard look at things and have a proper talk with my partner about it because you are all right, it is borderline abusive and it is not acceptable. My poor little boy.

Absolutely vile behaviour. Parents are supposed to comfort and reassure their kids not terrify them. That poor little boy. Doesn’t sound like your dh is cut out for family life and he probably doesn’t realise he is damaging his relationship with his son.

he shouts at him to get back to bed. pushes him back into his room. slams our door shut etc etc

Your son is right to be scared. It's the correct, natural response to being terrorised by a man in his home. Lying traumatised, sweating in fear, cortisol flooding his developing brain.

Please read up on what cortisol does to a child. I live with the impact of it every day thanks to my own mother failing me.
Safeguard your child from this man. It is not borderline.

If the lights weren't blazing through the night, he wouldn't be wide awake trying to block out the light under a blanket.

However, kicking doors and shouting is fucking pointless as that ensures that everybody's wide awake (including the neighbours).

It is at least emotionally if not physically abusive. He needs to leave if he insists he is right.

OP you are right with how you approach your son. Regardless of whether it is common or not for a 6 year old he wants reassurance. Also 20 mins is not a long time for him to go back down. Your partner is completely in the wrong. However you could look at ways in which he can reassure himself. A lamp like PP suggested, a teddy to cuddle etc. continue to support your boy your partner is wrong !!

Your way is the best way to support a child scared of the dark and/or being on there own.
One of my DC (AuDHD and SpLD is scared of the dark, or being on her own in a room etc (even during the day).
You being attuned to your child's needs is not pandering to him.
Your partner is a cunt.

My son used to get up every single night and pandering did make it worse and he did play on it, sometimes though he was genuinely upset, we did the Supernanny bedtime because shouting and screaming obviously is not going to help a child who is already stressed out.

Wtf is this reply? 🤣 why does he need to get used to not having someone there? The child is 6. True, secure independence comes from knowing your care givers are there whenever you need them. Freedom to explore, learn and make mistakes with the security of having someone to rely on if it goes wrong or you find it tricky. And there is certainly nothing unhealthy or codependent in a 6 year old relying on their mum

I think your partners behavior has been well covered in this thread so I won't comment further on that. For your little boy though, could you try a night light, like a lava lamp and a weighted blanket? The deep pressure of a weighted blanket can be really soothing for ND children (just make sure you get the correct weight for his weight).

I'm sorry, but for you to think that that level of relaince on someone being there at age 6! is normal? thats a WTF moment. The only time i ever got up to ask my mum for something age 6 was if my other medical condition was flaring. Otherwise Id just go pee, and if i couldnt sleep, get a book out. I knew my mum worked all day and was exhausted, even then. I wasnt going to wake her up because I felt insecure. That was what the nightlight was for. Now..In my 30's i have a weighted blanket that does the trick.

Embedding co-dependancy that young really isn't going to help in the long term.

Your dp is being abusive.

I would think your partner shouting at your son, rejecting him in his moment of need and being aggressive is causing far more upset than you.
Young children at night need reassurance and comfort. Make a show of checking their bedrooms for monsters, take down anything hung up that can look like a spooky shadow in the dark, use a little night light and turn up at their bedside when they cry, night after night for as long as it takes for them to be happy.

I understand from your partner’s perspective with sleeping away from home for two nights, the nights he does get to sleep in his own bed are ‘sacred’ and having an unsettled / interrupted night’s sleep sucks, but that’s part and parcel of having babies and young children, and he needs to wise up.

My eldest was exactly the same, he was genuinely terrified of being in his room on his own and being in the dark, so I used to bring him into my bed until he went to sleep and then carry him into his, but he always ended up getting up again, flustered and scared later in the night and needed comforting.

He was diagnosed with ADHD at the age of 8, and whilst he does sleep in his own bed now, his sleep is still very bad (struggles to get to sleep) and he hates the dark.

Keep doing what you’re doing, can your partner not remember what it was like when he was little and afraid?

One of my enduring memories is of getting up in the night (I was three) and getting yelled at by my mother to get back to bed. The house felt so big and empty and lonely in the dead of night.

Can you put a bed on the floor next to you for him to snuggle into without disturbing you, if he needs the reassurance of your closeness? You did the right thing dealing with his itching and making sure he was comforted and comfortable at night. He'll know he can come to you if he needs you.

I have a 12, 10 and a 6 year old (none have additional needs). We've co-slept with all of them. We are still co-sleeping with the 6 year old. He's 6 - still so so young. My oldest 2 don't need us to co-sleep any more, but if they wake in the night, I'm up and there for them. That's parenting.

What your partner is doing isn't parenting. It's abusive.

Ask him what would he do if you'd had a nightmare and were scared in the night - would he scream at you and shut you in your room? I don't think he would so why is it acceptable to do it to a child.

He's probably ND, so that makes a difference.

I remind my teens if they are very sick or need my assistance in the night if they are out somewhere and in trouble that they can call me any time of night and I"ll be there.