To not shout at my child to go back to bed in the middle of the night

[Gagamama2]

My partner and I are at loggerheads with my son's behaviour. There's lots going on during the daytime as well but the issue I'd like to know is who is being the more reasonable one at night, me or my partner.

My son is 6, with possible ADHD / Dyspraxia / SPD (all to be assessed soon once I've saved up the money).

His sleep has always been a bit up and down, but we've had a fairly good 6 months of it. Recently (within the last month) he has been waking up at night and wanting reassurance. He is scared of the dark and has to go to sleep with his main light on. I then switch this off and leave the hall light on with his door wide open, but he still doesn't like being alone. In the daytime he will not stay in an area of the house by himself, or go into the garden by himself, as he says he is scared of being alone.

On the two nights a week when my partner isn't here and he wakes up I put him back to his bed when he comes into me, give him reassurance, get him water etc. He generally goes back to sleep within 20 mins.

But when my partner is here he shouts at him to get back to bed. pushes him back into his room. slams our door shut etc etc and I can't stand it. He tells me not to go in there as I'm making him worse and making the sleeping patterns worse. Last night I listened to my son crying for 15 mins, then he stopped. 10 mins later I went in to make sure he wasn't completely covered by the blanket (he does this to make himself feel less scared) as its too hot to have it over his head etc. He was wide awake under the blanket sweating like mad. He needed the loo so I took him, got him some pjs that weren't wet with sweat, and put cream on his eczema as it was itching. He then went back to sleep v calm. All in all took about 15-20 mins.

I am fuming with my partner that he can treat our son this way. It's the same night after night. But AIBU?? perhaps I'm being too soft and he would have gone back to sleep by himself? I'm not sure it's normal for a 6 year old to be needing so much reassurance and support at night but then again maybe what's normal doesn't matter? of course I would LOVE a whole nights uninturruped sleep. I'm not getting up in the middle of the night for the fun of it. And doing all the emotional support work for my kids without my partner taking any of it is really taking its toll.

Your poor little boy, how absolutely awful of his dad to treat him this way.

It could be that he is simply afraid and needs reassurance or it could be a sleep disorder such as night frights. If you have not had them yourself ( I still have them, 2 of my children had them) it is impossible to imagine just how frightening it is. If someone shouted at me whilst I was in or just awakening from a fright I would be terrified even as an adult.
it is tiring for parents but whatever the cause your child is not doing it to be naughty. I feel you are 100 percent correct in not wanting to shout.

He's an abusive bully and he needs to sort his shit out - that's a disgusting way to treat a child and I suspect he treats you just as badly

Your partner is a dickhead. Please don't let your son cry it out. He needs reassurance and love. I was terrified of the dark when I was his age and could only sleep under the cover. My parents made me sleep in my own bed and it affected our relationship, I am now LC with them and developed mental health issues (bipolar).

edited to add- this was only part of what my parents did there was a lot of domestic violence that when on.

I think some posters have maybe missed the part where it says the child is being so distressed by the man's behaviour, to the point he is lying sweating.
For a traumatised child, nightlights and a hug aren't going to work.

Why are you living with an abusive bully who terrifies a small child.?

All his dad is doing is teaching his son that he doesn’t give a shit about how he’s feeling. I absolutely wouldn’t let anyone treat my child that way, especially his own father.

My daughter is AuDHD, almost 9 and we share a room because she hates sleeping alone. We’ve gone through years of bed sharing but we’ve finally found a solution that works for all of us as my husband is a horrendous sleeper and disturbs me all night. We’re all happy with our arrangement. Though we’re moving house soon so not sure what will happen.

You are absolutely doing the right thing. Why is it normal for adults to share a bed but kids are expected to sleep alone? Weird if you ask me.

Your child is getting extremely mixed messages so nether yours or DH way is going to work

There’s middle ground when it come to cracking this
compromise need to come from both of you but you seem very my way

Poor you OP.

I agree with most posters. I lean more towards your style. I think some children just need more support. My DD (2.5) is the same. that's just her. I'd love to be in my bed with my husband but at the moment - this is our life and I'm sure I'll blink and she'll be a moody teenager who won't come near me 😂

I'd be upset if my DH behaved this way even though I know he gets frustrated.

Xx

I think your partner is awful.

My youngest DC is now 7 and still doesnt reliably sleep through the night. Can go up to maybe 3 nights max before waking in the night and calling for me. I go straight in, get in the pull out bed & go to sleep. They are back to sleep within 2 minutes of me walking in there.

Just before christmas they woke up every single night for 3 months straight - that was completely tiring for me but I just got on with it.

My DC has no additional needs but is absolutely terrified of being on their own at night. I have no idea why and my much older DC were perfect sleepers from being a baby. Youngest DC has always had trouble sleeping through (was waking up for milk in the night til nearly 2).

Ive worked out that its quicker for me (& them) to get back to sleep by going into their room and just staying there. Ive done absolutely everything to try and get this sorted out. They dont know why they do it other than they are scared when they wake in the night, stickers charts havent worked, shouting/being sad/being proud of them when they sleep through etc havent worked, tiring them out before bed hasnt worked, theyve had the same consistent routine of bath, book & bed with no screens etc since they were tiny and that hasnt helped either. My DH (their dad) never wakes up to hear me being shouted for so generally has a lovely nights sleep (at least 1 of us is!).

I have never shouted at them to go away no matter how irritated or tired I am, not would I shut the door on them and leave them sobbing in their room. They are genuinely scared and you cant just 'scare' someone out of that which is what your partner is trying to do. He is behaving terribly and I would be deeply ashamed that he was my partner (I wouldn't tolerate him behaving like that and we would have split up a long time ago if I were you though).

Im hoping that my DC will eventually grow out of this as I cant see a 15 year old still needing their mum in the middle of the night but until them Im just getting on with it.

The only guaranteed respite I have from this is our annual 2 week holiday in the sun as they will be room sharing with their much older sibling & will sleep through like a perfect angel as they wont be alone. Unfortunately there is no way either of their siblings will allow them to sleep in their room at home though (I have tried!).

If you have room, put an airbed on the floor and tell your DC that if he is scared, he can come into your room and sleep on it. Or put a double bed in his room, so you can go in with him and then return to your own bed when he's asleep but it doesn't matter if you fall asleep.

Sleep issues are not worth getting worked up about. Just get everyone back to sleep in whatever way is easiest. Practically no teenagers still sleep in with their parents.

I'm sure there is a better way of saying this but here goes... children only have a certain amount of cognitive capacity. Stress impairs cognitive capacity. If children are lying awake, either upset or scared, on a frequent basis, this reduces their cognitive capacity for learning, exploring and other activities. Given that you suspect potential ND/other difficulties (which means your son already has a lot to cope with), it makes sense to help him by making his home as low-stress as possible, including nights and sleeping. Otherwise, his cognitive capacity is simply being further drained, leaving him tired and less able to cope with the other challenges he faces.

I think sleep should have been sorted by age 6. You are too soft your partner sounds a bit too hard. You need to work together to solve this issue, listen to each other.

I am completely normal. I remember waking up in the middle of the night after a nightmare and knocking on my parents' door when I was about nine years old. My parents didn’t shout at me.

Exactly, If they are sick or in trouble - Just becuase you cant sleep? that isn not valid.
Even if i was feeling particularly insecure and went into her room, id just curl up on the bed under the covers and let her sleep. and that was usually only a thunderstorm moment!

Oh your poor son. We tend to bring them into our bed and one of us will sleeo in theirs... tbh its been like this for years and its not ideal either, we argue about our methods as i do think we should put them back to sleep in theirs but husband wont have it.., but there has to be some middle ground. Your approach is the approach I would take but it is tiring and broken sleep isnt good as a parent either.
Thata why we bring them in to ours as ita the quickest way for us all to get back to sleep.
Your Dh approach cant be helping matters though and is borderline cruel to push them back in their room in the dark and shut the door.

He's their dad. Although doesn't seem to get any say on how his own kids are brought up

A lot of the time, kids waking up at night don't want to wake their parents, they just want to be near them. Find a way for them to be near you without waking you.

Even if you were going to adopt a sleep training approach, I've never come across one where the adult response is supposed to be shouty and aggressive.

Calm and unemotional is usually the recommendation. Calmly return them to bed and remind them that you love them but it's time to sleep etc.

Whether or not that's appropriate in this case is a different question. But aggression is not the answer.

Your partner sounds vile and stupid. He’s using the “scare the living shit out of the child” approach in the hope the child will be more scared of him than he is of the dark/monsters/erc. He’s a bully. He’s probably knackered but so are you and you manage self control. He’s a prick.

So he has been doing this for a while and it’s not working. Well surely that’s proof enough that it’s time to try a new approach. Tell him you do all the time when he’s away and it makes your son go back to sleep more quickly.

Try the “not talking lead him back to bed approach”, and tell your partner that shouting just winds him up, that’s he’s still a little boy and it’s better to be gentle so he doesn’t get all his adrenaline going and then he’ll be up for hours, defeating the purpose.

Pick a night after a busy day of playing so he will be tired.

It's your H who is prolonging this, not you.

Your DS would be happier in a home thst didn't have a powder keg living in it.

Firstly… wow. A few points:
My kid is autistic too. Autistic kids are more prone to being anxious because the world is scary. They need support, not to be shouted at and I think I was clear about that. They also need to develop strategies for managing anxiety or it will take over their lives. That’s not to say they don’t also need reasonable adjustments, they absolutely do.
Also, I’m neurodivergent too & spent years with crippling anxiety because I also had polarised parents who were absolutely doing their best but it left me feeling out of control and it took a long time to learn I could manage the emotion myself. So I come from the perspective of the child too because I’ve been there. That’s not to say this is the only experience of course.

I gave an opinion based on the information in the post and my own (extensive) lived experience. I think that’s how forums work. It’s indeed very likely everyone posting will be missing something because it’s a snapshot - for example, possible neurodivergence in one or both parents which might be positioning their responses. I generally think it’s best to assume both want the best for their kid because that’s generally the case. Your opinion is also valid of course. Nobody thinks mumsnet is a replacement for actual professional advice (I hope) and I hope the OP has found something useful in the replies as it sounds like a really tricky situation.

Your way is working, your son goes back to sleep relatively quickly feeling settled and safe. The only reason the cry it out methid works is because babies/children learn that no one is coming to them so they don't bother. This is not a healthy way to teach a child to sleep through the night. You want him to feel secure enough to self settle, not too scared to seek comfort.
My children are older now but I co slept with them all and settled them all to sleep when they were a little older and in their own beds. Always in the knowledge that it wouldn't last forever and eventually they wouldn't want me in their rooms nor would they want to get into bed with me!
My eldest child is now 28, and surprisingly (not) he never sneaks into bed with me anymore 😂
My other 3, 26, 16 and 14, will come and get into bed for a chat, if the older one of the three is home visiting, then all 3 of them sometimes get in with me together and I love that they feel comfortable enough to still do that.
The way you handle things like this really does have an impact on future relationships and feelings of security for children.
Good luck x

The cry it out method is just as barbaric as what your partner is doing, I would remind him that studies show babies who are sleep trained by this method don't wake up any less, they just don't alert their caregivers.

He is your little boy, how could you listen to him crying for 15 minutes?! I couldn't be with someone who could treat our child like that, personally. My 9 month old sleeps terribly so I do understand how horrendous sleep deprivation is, but I still comfort him each and every time and I always will.

Please stand up for your boy, you're all he has, do not leave him crying. What you do clearly works as he is back settled and asleep very quickly, one wake up really isn't the end of the world, he is so little still.

Good luck with your conversation, you seem like a lovely, empathetic mum x

i wouldn’t shout either - he’s not doing it on purpose and it might have the opposite effect. If he knows that during the night there is no support or reassurance it will make him more worried. My son is 10 and is AuDHD. He sleeps with a bedside lamp on all the time. I don’t turn it off because if he wakes in the night he will be scared.
he can be a pain to get to bed in the first place but once there tends to sleep well and wake stupidly early. We keep a calm bedtime routine and if one of us is guessing frustrated with the “I don’t want to brush my teeth” “I don’t want to go to bed” routine we swap. As getting irritated and worked up always makes it worse!

are you in the UK? I ask because it shouldn’t cost anything to get diagnoses in place - ask your school or health visitor to assist you with referrals or your GP if they won’t.
a diagnosis won’t help the issues though - just means that you kind of understand them more.

I think if your child needs comforting then you should be able to go to him as you like. The way you describe it, your child has additional needs and is going through a phase where you need to support the child.

My own DD is starting to get a sense of her own power and dynamics. The other night she had her dad wandering the house looking for a plaster for an imaginary scratch. It was 3am after a full on day, him banging around looking for a plaster. At that point I wasn’t on board, I knew she was pulling our chain to see how much she can get her way. That night I told both of them to go to bed. I was not happy. But this is a one off. Kids notice when their parents are not on the same page and can work out how to use it. Talk to your DH, make a common approach.