To not shout at my child to go back to bed in the middle of the night

[Gagamama2]

My partner and I are at loggerheads with my son's behaviour. There's lots going on during the daytime as well but the issue I'd like to know is who is being the more reasonable one at night, me or my partner.

My son is 6, with possible ADHD / Dyspraxia / SPD (all to be assessed soon once I've saved up the money).

His sleep has always been a bit up and down, but we've had a fairly good 6 months of it. Recently (within the last month) he has been waking up at night and wanting reassurance. He is scared of the dark and has to go to sleep with his main light on. I then switch this off and leave the hall light on with his door wide open, but he still doesn't like being alone. In the daytime he will not stay in an area of the house by himself, or go into the garden by himself, as he says he is scared of being alone.

On the two nights a week when my partner isn't here and he wakes up I put him back to his bed when he comes into me, give him reassurance, get him water etc. He generally goes back to sleep within 20 mins.

But when my partner is here he shouts at him to get back to bed. pushes him back into his room. slams our door shut etc etc and I can't stand it. He tells me not to go in there as I'm making him worse and making the sleeping patterns worse. Last night I listened to my son crying for 15 mins, then he stopped. 10 mins later I went in to make sure he wasn't completely covered by the blanket (he does this to make himself feel less scared) as its too hot to have it over his head etc. He was wide awake under the blanket sweating like mad. He needed the loo so I took him, got him some pjs that weren't wet with sweat, and put cream on his eczema as it was itching. He then went back to sleep v calm. All in all took about 15-20 mins.

I am fuming with my partner that he can treat our son this way. It's the same night after night. But AIBU?? perhaps I'm being too soft and he would have gone back to sleep by himself? I'm not sure it's normal for a 6 year old to be needing so much reassurance and support at night but then again maybe what's normal doesn't matter? of course I would LOVE a whole nights uninturruped sleep. I'm not getting up in the middle of the night for the fun of it. And doing all the emotional support work for my kids without my partner taking any of it is really taking its toll.

You are not too soft in anyway!! You are being a loving caring mum. Your husband is being absolutely horrible. Imagine waking up, and feeling vulnerable, and wanting some reassurance and feeling too scared to seek it, and being shoved out of the room to be alone and cry? It’s horrible. I feel sorry for your son and I would stand firm and continue to put him first. X

My son had similar, lots of nightmares and not wanting to be alone day or night. We got him some play therapy to help him work through his feelings and fears and it really worked for him. All they ever seemed to do is play or draw but he really gained confidence to do things that scared him. I had shouty parents and it just stopped me telling them things.

Its not borderline abusive, its abusive. Agree that you are underreacting to this.

Im guessing this isnt the only manifestation of his abusive behaviour either.

I would have ripped him a new arsehole the first time it happened and made it clear if he ever dared stop me from going to my child again his shit would be out on the front lawn with immediate effect.

LTB

I think you’re missing the fact this chikd is likely ND/SN and will need a different approach than an NT child.

The fact he doesn’t want to be on his own during the day too tells me the issue is much deeper than just a night time issue where he has been pandered to.

I’m also 😲😲 at the idea that it’s just the OP saving money for a private consultation/diagnosis and not BOTH OF THEM seeing he is the father.
Again it points towards issues in the relationship that go much deeper than simple polarisation ‘to compensate’ for the mum ‘being too soft’.

I know you say it’s sort of your line of work. I’d hope you would take into account all those ‘other’ circumstances into account before giving advice telling the OP she is doing it wrong

(And yes the whole your dh is right too he is just not going on about it right is screaming to me ‘OP you’re too soft. Stop pandering to him’. To someone who is NOT that sure of herself, that’s why she is on MN asking for opinions)

Gently, gently, patience, your partner needs training , yes it's a bug bear but one like you say will get son back to sleep quicker , have you tried a night light or two to give him security as he has adhd , sorry if that's wrong .Maybe men are no so understanding as ladies , anything for peace gently gently works , all the best

I bet your son would sudddenly become more confident and less anxious if you threw that abusive piece of shit out of your house.

Oh OP, sorry that you are up against this. I think you’re doing the right thing by following your instinct to comfort your son. He is still only a child after all and being scared of the dark is a real concern for one so small. If your partner is unhappy with getting woken up, could you cosleep with your son in his room then your son will be reassured and your partner can have an uninterrupted night’s sleep?

You are right. He is DEAD wrong. Even if you had made a joint decision to support your son sleeping more independently, your partner's behaviour is unacceptably cruel.

But you can't 'train' someone out of fear, so imo you have no alternative other than what you are doing. Yes, it sucks. Broken sleep sucks. But it's both of your jobs to create a safe environment for your son to sleep in and your other half is failing. I would be FURIOUS.

My 6yo doesn’t have ADHD and does this every night! He comes in as he’s scared and wants a cuddle. I’ve given up putting him back so I let him sleep with my DH and I sleep in his bed! It’s annoying, uncomfortable and disruptive but he’s 6 and he won’t do it forever.
How did you leave him crying for that long without going in to him? I couldn’t leave my son scared for two minutes. Yes it’s annoying but that’s just cruel! Your partner is a dick.

I empathise completely. My son has ASD and ADHD which were diagnosed at 6, he’s now 8. His sleep was awful for a long time but we have managed to get his sleep settled the vast majority of the time, but as soon as something upsets him his sleep is the first thing to go wrong (it’s actually usually the thing that alerts us to the fact he’s struggling).

Sleep issues go with both ADHD and ASD and you need to find methods that work for a particular child, yelling at them to go back to bed is rarely an effective strategy. You need to sort out the underlying issues. Our kids will come to us because we are their safe space and that’s the way I want it to be. I don’t want my kids to be struggling and not want to tell us/come to us. I don’t want them crying on their own because they think we won’t help. Do we get frustrated at getting woken up in the night, yes; can the kids help it, no.

Things that have helped; we got him a star projector light from Amazon that he uses as a nightlight. It’s seems to be low enough light to not disrupt melatonin productions but enough to make him feel safe. We also got him a weighted blanket (OHS have really good ones at a good price).

On the diagnosis front, be careful if going private that the NHS will accept the diagnosis and prescribe meds (if you decide to go that way), I know a few people who have had a problem in that area.

I would be getting DP to sleep on the sofa and letting 6 year old crawl in for a cuddle and keeping him there!

I do feel sorry for your son. He should not be shouting at your son he will make him more anxious. All my 4 didn't sleep very well. We put a cot mattress on the floor next to our bed they just came in and went straight to sleep. It was just separation anxiety. They all grow out of it in the end. We did anything so we could get a good night's sleep.

When I was a kid I was convinced there were dinosaurs on the landing - thanks Jurassic Park - and an evil gnome in the toilet. It meant that when I woke up needing a wee I was terrified (I mean TERRIFIED) to go to the loo. I used to hide under the covers like your son until I was desperate - sometimes I'd manage to convince myself to go to the loo and sometimes I'd wet the bed. If I wet the bed, my mum would be very angry, but she'd also be angry if I woke her up in the night upset. So I was both scared of the imaginary monsters and also scared of upsetting my mum. My mum wasn't as bad as your partner was being, what he's doing is completely awful!

Suffice to say I had terrible insomnia until my early 20's and I think I've got poor attachment to my mum (although I do love her and she's been nice in other ways, she just had low empathy in general when I was a kid, and still does now!).

This is awful and YANBU. From the age of about 9 to 10, I had terrible separation anxiety at night. My parents were so patient with me, sleeping in my room, or I slept in my brother’s room and eventually they weaned me off it by having me sleep with a piece of my mum’s clothing. The process took several months. I used to feel extreme anxiety and terrible sadness as bedtime approached, it was horrible. God only knows how I would have felt it if I had been shouted at and shut in my room. Your partner sounds odious. I don’t know if I could stay with someone like that, although that is easy for me to say! Stick to your guns. Is it possible for you to put a temporary bed in his room and sleep in there and gradually ease yourself out, like my parents did. That way you can all get sleep.you cannot teach a child to be independent, they get it from feeling secure and loved and having their needs met.

Get rid of your partner. Your son comes first, he's only six and his behaviour is not unusual at that age and he'll outgrow it.

Mine was the same! He will soon be 46 and doesn't do it now :-).

The man sounds horrible.

As a kid I would get treated like DH does to your son. I would just stay awake all night not sleeping and terrified, but unable to seek support from my parents. As an adult I am not close to them and do not go to them for any support with anything (obviously that was not the only reason, but fitting with their of their general lack of emotional support.) It’s quite normal for ND to have sleep issues and need extra support. Shouting is just going to make him more emotional. It’s only effective in that it stops the child coming out of their room, but does nothing to help the child.

Your six year old is a PERSON. I’m sorry to be harsh but it is unbelievable that you have to check whether his dad’s behavior is ok.

His Dad, when there, “shouts at him to get back to bed. pushes him back into his room. slams our door shut etc etc”

Do you think that’s an acceptable way to treat another person? How would you feel if you asked someone for help and this was their response to you? I’ve no idea what “etc etc” covers in this context but I doubt it’s anything good.

From what you’ve said it does not sound as though this type of behaviour from your partner was a one-time occurrence - or due to some specific and highly stressful incident. More that this is how your partner behaves regularly.

Your partner is abusive and you are not doing enough to protect your child. I’m not going to tell you it’s easy but to leave - but if this is what he is inflicting on your six year old I don’t see how you can imagine you have a choice. if you are worried your son may have additional needs you do not want to leave this and then wait for him to implode as a teen.

If in doubt read Lundy Bancroft’s book Why Does He Do That?

But for God’s sake stop being so passive and take action to show your son that bullying and getting physical with someone is not ok.

My husbands parents were like this. They had an unkind and unsympathetic approach to everything. He gave up telling them when he was sad, worried, frightened etc. He hid under his bed a lot. There was no physical violence but a lot of shouting and fear. He never dared disagree with anything they said right up until the age of 18 when he moved miles away from them and met me.

They think they did a brilliant job with their kids. Both him and his sibling recently agreed (over a few drinks) that they despise him and resent their mum.

He sees a therapist now, has antidepressants and anxiety...this has become worse now that our children are in primary school and of an age where he clearly remembers childhood. It makes him sad and angry when he looks at his kids as he cannot comprehend ever treating them that way.

His dad was the nasty one but he holds his mum just as responsible for letting it happen. She wasn't scared of him, just followed his rules too. Stick up for your son.

I feel like also, he's 6 and children are already bombarded with things they need to 'learn'. Maybe he just doesn't need to 'learn' to cope with these fears at this exact moment.

Check out attachment behavior, safe and nurturing is so much better than anxious or fear based attachment. You can't spoil kids at any age. Behavior changes when they feel safe.

Check out Supernanny she has some great methods for staying in bed and getting them more comfortable. There are some eps with ND children as well.

There’s being firm but reassuring and being cruel and shouting.

saying to a child firmly but reassuringly that there is no burglars, monsters, aliens or whatever else is scary to them and they need to go back to bed is ok, walking them back to their room saying goodnight and returning to bed is fine, being horrible is not fine.

i was a soft touch with dd2 in my room until 7

I could cry for your son. Don’t leave him alone crying in the dark, be the lovely mother you want to be

I think that it is abusive, and not just to your little boy but to you too. What the hell is he doing trying to hold you hostage when you want to go and comfort your child?

While I understand that you would love to sleep through, and I hope that happens for you soon, I think your method is kind of working. You are resettling him calmly and in a reasonable space of time. It’s not like he is in your room crying for four hours. It’s twenty minutes and he is resettling in his own bed. You’re right and you’re doing well with him. Your partner is a problem.

I wouldn’t tolerate this for one more day. Tell your partner to go sleep on the sofa and let you son come to you when he needs you. Let him co-sleep. He needs connection. Once he feels safe, he will sleep.

So sorry to hear this. I've been in a similar situation - my 6 year old wakes up every night and is terrified to be on his own. The compromise we came to (as the sleep deprivation from getting up and having to settle him was killing me) was to put a camp bed in our bedroom next to me. Now in the night he just runs into our room and gets into the bed and goes back to sleep and it's minimum disruption for everyone. I have no idea if this is the 'right' thing to do, or how we are going to get him to stop doing this! But at the moment it seems to be what he needs. I have tried being more strict/trying to force him to stay in his own room but he just gets distressed. I have accepted now he is a sensitive child and I have to adapt my parenting to that! I think your husband needs to do the same.