To not shout at my child to go back to bed in the middle of the night

[Gagamama2]

My partner and I are at loggerheads with my son's behaviour. There's lots going on during the daytime as well but the issue I'd like to know is who is being the more reasonable one at night, me or my partner.

My son is 6, with possible ADHD / Dyspraxia / SPD (all to be assessed soon once I've saved up the money).

His sleep has always been a bit up and down, but we've had a fairly good 6 months of it. Recently (within the last month) he has been waking up at night and wanting reassurance. He is scared of the dark and has to go to sleep with his main light on. I then switch this off and leave the hall light on with his door wide open, but he still doesn't like being alone. In the daytime he will not stay in an area of the house by himself, or go into the garden by himself, as he says he is scared of being alone.

On the two nights a week when my partner isn't here and he wakes up I put him back to his bed when he comes into me, give him reassurance, get him water etc. He generally goes back to sleep within 20 mins.

But when my partner is here he shouts at him to get back to bed. pushes him back into his room. slams our door shut etc etc and I can't stand it. He tells me not to go in there as I'm making him worse and making the sleeping patterns worse. Last night I listened to my son crying for 15 mins, then he stopped. 10 mins later I went in to make sure he wasn't completely covered by the blanket (he does this to make himself feel less scared) as its too hot to have it over his head etc. He was wide awake under the blanket sweating like mad. He needed the loo so I took him, got him some pjs that weren't wet with sweat, and put cream on his eczema as it was itching. He then went back to sleep v calm. All in all took about 15-20 mins.

I am fuming with my partner that he can treat our son this way. It's the same night after night. But AIBU?? perhaps I'm being too soft and he would have gone back to sleep by himself? I'm not sure it's normal for a 6 year old to be needing so much reassurance and support at night but then again maybe what's normal doesn't matter? of course I would LOVE a whole nights uninturruped sleep. I'm not getting up in the middle of the night for the fun of it. And doing all the emotional support work for my kids without my partner taking any of it is really taking its toll.

Yes it is unbelievable now I read it back. The responses on this thread have been a huge wake up call. Thank you x

Oh no - you need to find another way. My ASD dd got into my bed until she was about 7 maybe 8 in the night. They are only little, and they won't do it for ever, let them feel secure. Would a mattress on the floor or a super king-size bed help you as a family?
or a separate bedroom on his own for your partner

So this. No man would ever keep me from my child in distress. I would lose so much respect for anyone who put me in that position that it would kill any relationship stone dead.

Your partner is an abusive bastard and is bullying your child. If Gina's far to say he is physically abusing him by pushing him forcefully back into his room. It is intimidation and needs to stop

For everyone's sake and safety you need to leave him. Protect your child!!!!!

The problems your son has in terms of his anxiety and trouble with seperation, have probably come from having a angry, un empathetic father.
you’re doing the right thing, you’re looking after your child. I don’t like the sound of your husband at all.

I think you need to find a middle ground on this, your partner sounds very rigid and a little cruel but on the flip side you sound way too soft. Your DS is 6 not 2 I don't think he needs as much "hand holding" as you give him. (Want and Need are very different things). He needs to learn to self soothe like you do with a baby. Even with additional needs by 6 he should be perfectly capable of going to the loo in the night on his own and going back to bed. I think shouting at him and slamming doors is wrong but also there's no way id be getting up every night and molifying his behaviour.

Your DH needs a reality check.

His behaviour is unacceptable and will make things worse. He needs a really good look at himself and how he’s treating a small child.

And getting a ND child back to sleep in their own bed in 20 mins is frankly amazing!! It what many parents strive to achieve. He needs to recognise that you’re managing this really well.

He needs to be aware of other similar children and how well his son is doing in comparison!

DS has co-slept with us for half the night for over 2 years. It is the only way we get any kind of sleep. And even then we have delights of nights like last night…. 4 hours in the middle of the night wide awake, talking nonstop, hyper fixating on characters from different transformers films!! Completely manic.

My DH would have been bloody ecstatic if we managed to get him back to sleep in his room within 20 mins. You’re doing an amazing job!! He’s in the wrong and is being awful.

It’s not “borderline” abusive at all!! It’s full on psychologically and emotionally abusive! You need to change the locks next time he gos on a work trip and tell him to find somewhere else to stay when he comes home

I wouldn't tolerate this...

If I had to choose between my child and my husband, it will always be my child and my husband knew that! They’re young for such a short time and it’s our job to make them know they’re loved and safe…your husband’s a dick! I would find that so unattractive in a man and he’d either have to stop treating my child like that or find somewhere else to sleep if he wants interrupted sleep but I am NOT sneaking round in the middle of the night comforting my child so as not to upset the husband! I’d take a bullet for my children, I’d duck if someone fired at my husband 😆

"needs more than a nightlight and a hug"

If that's what was garnered from my long ass post on what i've been dealing with for the last 18 years, then i have been seriously minimised. I'd love to know how many of you who were dealing with this with your under 10s are now supporting a young adult through it... Sometimes it is never fixable and you have to do what works for you both. As i said, i have never slept through because of his night issues.

My nearly 19yo son has..
A star projector
A night light
Music
A 'safety plush' that he can't sleep without
Unfettered access to myself/my bedroom at all hours of the day and night.
Lights on the stairs and in the bathroom that are motion sensitive.

Fear of the dark/being alone isn't just worked on AT NIGHT, you have to work on it during the day.

The MOST IMPORTANT thing for any child with anxiety is to make it clear that YOU are their safe space, their safety. You establish that they can always trust you to understand/support/help them, and then you build on that.

DS will never sleep through, at least 2/3 nights of the week he will end up in my room and i will have to take him back to bed, but now if i follow the routine and offer reassurance he will resettle without issue within 10-15 minutes, it's less about fear these days and more about can't sleep/feel sick/anxious about something going on in the day/at school/just needs reassurance.

OP: While your (notsoD)H is scaring the fuck out of him and putting him in that position of fear/anxiety, and neither of you are doing anything constructive to help with his anxiety in the day, this won't get better.

@Darragon this is absolutely heartbreaking, so sorry you had endure this

Hmmm, so you couldn’t seek comfort from your mum in the night, and now, in your 30s you need a weighted blanket, but it’s done you no harm…..

ok