To not shout at my child to go back to bed in the middle of the night

[Gagamama2]

My partner and I are at loggerheads with my son's behaviour. There's lots going on during the daytime as well but the issue I'd like to know is who is being the more reasonable one at night, me or my partner.

My son is 6, with possible ADHD / Dyspraxia / SPD (all to be assessed soon once I've saved up the money).

His sleep has always been a bit up and down, but we've had a fairly good 6 months of it. Recently (within the last month) he has been waking up at night and wanting reassurance. He is scared of the dark and has to go to sleep with his main light on. I then switch this off and leave the hall light on with his door wide open, but he still doesn't like being alone. In the daytime he will not stay in an area of the house by himself, or go into the garden by himself, as he says he is scared of being alone.

On the two nights a week when my partner isn't here and he wakes up I put him back to his bed when he comes into me, give him reassurance, get him water etc. He generally goes back to sleep within 20 mins.

But when my partner is here he shouts at him to get back to bed. pushes him back into his room. slams our door shut etc etc and I can't stand it. He tells me not to go in there as I'm making him worse and making the sleeping patterns worse. Last night I listened to my son crying for 15 mins, then he stopped. 10 mins later I went in to make sure he wasn't completely covered by the blanket (he does this to make himself feel less scared) as its too hot to have it over his head etc. He was wide awake under the blanket sweating like mad. He needed the loo so I took him, got him some pjs that weren't wet with sweat, and put cream on his eczema as it was itching. He then went back to sleep v calm. All in all took about 15-20 mins.

I am fuming with my partner that he can treat our son this way. It's the same night after night. But AIBU?? perhaps I'm being too soft and he would have gone back to sleep by himself? I'm not sure it's normal for a 6 year old to be needing so much reassurance and support at night but then again maybe what's normal doesn't matter? of course I would LOVE a whole nights uninturruped sleep. I'm not getting up in the middle of the night for the fun of it. And doing all the emotional support work for my kids without my partner taking any of it is really taking its toll.

For comparison, my 4 year old wakes in the night and runs in to us. He wants the comfort of sleeping with us. My husband tirelessly gets him a drink, waits for him outside the loo, answers all his questions and gets up early with him and plays with him. Every single day. Never a cross word, impatience or anger, just love and kindness and understanding of a small child.

Your poor son. You sound like a lovely mum but I'd be doing everything I could to get my son away from that behaviour from your partner, whatever it might be. You're not overreacting. I mean this kindly, but you're underreacting. Your son needs you to recognise this and keep him safe and happy. Can anyone help you?

All children are different. Some require more support than others. You can’t force independence, just compliance. And that can have longer term effects on emotional wellbeing. We are talking about a 6 year old, not a mid-teen

Just to send sympathy and i think you are trying to do the right things as a mum. I'm going through this with my anxious 6 year old at the moment and it gets wearing and seems to be a source of contention between me and my partner. She also won't stay or fall asleep in her bed at night and is scared to be alone, go to the toilet unaccompanied during the day. Her big fear at the moment is bugs but she also gets scared of noises. I want her to feel safe but the not going to to the toilet and doing other developmentally appropriate things gets very wearing.
Her dad is also much more irritable and unsympathetic about it all but he will stay with her until she falls asleep. He either blames me or her but he wouldn't do what your husband did, confining the child in the room when they're scared. I am hoping it's a phase but I have mentioned going to our nice GP to ask about resources to deal with the bug fear (phobia?) which is becoming debilitating for her I think. Of course partner said that was pointless and she just needs to pull herself together... great.

Haven’t read past the OP but Your partner is an abusive arsehole. LTB

Poor kid.
It's standard parenting to be available to your children during the night.
Calm reassurance and meeting basic needs fosters long term resilience and independence.
Shame on your DP.

Sorry to be harsh but get a bloody grip, dump your partner and get him out of your son's life and home.

I mean beyond the fucking obvious....

His behaviour is probably making the night wakings worse.

So if his aim is to stop them he should probably lay off ranting raving amd driving everyone's adrenaline and cortisol through the roof in the middle of the night.

Id also get a dimmer switch fitted and put a bigish nightlight in your sons room.

I "sweep the room" for monsters with my 3 yr old... might be worth a try here depending on what he is afraid of

We went through exactly the same with DS aged 6. I don't think we have any SEN but he is an anxious, sensitive boy and went through a phase of being constantly scared. He also wouldn't be alone in a room during the day etc and it felt like it would never end.

He is 7 now and loads better so hopefully can give you a bit of hope.

DH also thought he needed tough love but telling him off and sending him back at night was escalating the situation, distress, and making DS even worse.

Keep doing what you are doing, he needs reassurance and to feel safe to eventually grow out of it. Your approach is totally right, and you're doing great if he goes back to sleep in his own room within 20 minutes!

It's all great having parenting principles but you can only parent the child you are given and trust your instinct as to what is best for them.

I was firmly against DC sleeping in their parents bedroom but in our case we had to resort to a mattress on our bedroom floor and said he could come in if scared but wasn't to wake us up. Everyone was a lot more peaceful and rested.

It worked very well and he now barely ever uses it.

Your DS is lucky to have you ❤️

Op, you must trust your instinct here.
If your child does have adhd or other needs, he is likely to be emotionally younger than his actual age. Imagine his behaviour on a 3 year old. Completely normal, you see? Even a 6 year old without needs can struggle with sleep. Add in the recent heat, coming up to the end of the school year which can be very unsettling for a child, and then being shouted at by his dad… your boy needs you. I cannot begin to explain how damaging shouting at him, ignoring him, leaving him to cry is.

My ds has adhd, diagnosed age 9. We knew long before. He is now 12. Only in the last year has he stopped coming into my bed at night, his behaviour has changed so much because he is growing up. Emotionally he is a good 2/3 years younger. But he’s getting there, thanks to support, tolerance and love from BOTH parents. It’s not always easy. Try to work out a sleep arrangement that works for you. We’ve had ds in with me and dh sleeping in the single bed when he needed to, we bought a super king bed so we could all climb in if needed, your child must always, always come first. If your partner can’t see that, he is the adult and needs to sort himself out, or get out.

I really recommend the book Raising Attention, ( Sarah Ockwell-Smith) recently published, which echoes everything we’ve worked out by ourselves and would have been invaluable if it had been around earlier. You have to be the safe place for your boy. You know that already. Good luck x

Why are you with someone who abuses your kids like this, shouting, slamming doors letting them cry?

We live in the country, no street lights, but it never gets really dark at this time of year. I agree with the poster who is concerned about the light being on all night. Could you use a low watt bulb in that light and get him gradually used to sleeping in the dark. Humans are programmed to need dark nights for deep sleeping.
Apart from that, the TV super-nanny approach is worth trying. Quietly, without speaking much, lead him back to bed, kiss and a cuddle - but not over-much attention, and quietly leave when he's drowsy but before he's actually sleeping.
It worked with my poor sleeper, (took about 3 months) but I confess she didn't have special needs so maybe I don't understand.

Dd is 8 and still needs some reassurance if she wakes from a nightmare, or is unsettled for some other reason (she's also ND). Invariably, she hops into bed for a 10 minute cuddle with me, and then I return her to bed and she's fine. It's fair to say that dh doesn't have as much patience as me with interrupted sleep, but he'd never rant and rave at her. She's so good most of the time that if she's coming into our room then it's for a good reason. We were the same with our ds at that age. Both went through phases when they were more unsettled than others (if there was a lot going on in our lives, new schools, classes etc) but both settled down after each phase and these night awakenings are extremely rare now. Being emotionally available to your child, a calm and reassuring presence, builds their confidence and resilience in the long run.

This is exactly my ASD son. Hated being alone, not scared of anything but worried we had left if he hasn't seen us in the last 5 minutes. Couldn't even go into the garden to hang out the washing without him following me out.

I think you are doing the right thing with the night waking. He needs reassurance, he's not being naughty.

We recorded a video for his ipad saying 'oh dear, have you woken up' plus lots of nice reassuring things. He would watch it instead of disturbing us sometimes. I also put a sign on our bedroom door saying 'we are sleeping, shhhh' and I'd hear him come and look at it and sometimes go back to bed. I'd peep in on him a few minutes later but usually back asleep.

He got better very gradually, by 15 he was OK alone for 2-3 hours and rarely came in at night.

You’re 100% right OP, who actually cares if it’s ‘normal’ or not, what does that even mean?

He’s a small child, he wants reassurance from his parents at night that he is safe and he should get it. 20 minutes is not excessive, and I think with a gentle approach he will over come it…

There is a difference between mollycoddling a spoilt child and supporting a child that is genuinely anxious.

Your husband is disgusting. I would have booted him out if he had ever emotionally abused one of my children in that nasty manner.

This isn’t a child being a chancer hoping to get into mum and dad’s bed or be given a treat it’s a nervous little boy with genuine terrors which are worse at night.

He needs comfort, reassurance and should never ever be made to feel he’s being naughty or is a nuisance.

In your situation I would tell your husband to fuck off to a spare room and bring your little boy into bed with you.

OP, I know that your DS isn’t a baby but you referenced the technique of crying it out - that’s a really out of date school of thought and widely believed to make things worse, potentially even causing some longer term issues. Example: www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/moral-landscapes/201112/dangers-of-crying-it-out/amp

So you don’t need to let your older child cry it out. Lots of children go through a phase of struggling in the night, especially if they are SEN. You aren’t being “soft” (whatever that means). Giving your scared child reassurance and getting them settled back in bed is perfect. This won’t go on forever.

Presumably though your child displays additional needs in other areas during the day? How is your DH with that? Is he equally impatient or is it just at night? Parenting a ND child isn’t always easy and shouting inevitably makes things much harder.

For reference, I’m autistic/ADHD and have two autistic DC.

Your ds is being abused and you are enabling it..
Tell him he can stay away 7 nights a week.

There's more going on with your son's dad. He's in a bad place and can't deal with this.

I've been in a situation due to very ill health and being a lone parent where I felt night time waking would just finish me off. I know in the worst moments, I'd have the capacity to lose it after a while. ( My teen is ND).

I'd guess your partner is struggling with ' stuff', with having an ND child possibly. With the drudgery of life? Where else is this showing up and is it worth it or can anything change here? I don't mean you have to change btw.

I don't agree with cry it out because someone else is demanding it here and they're not coming from an educated place.

Eventually, it will happen and he'll be ok. Until then, you're confident providing the support he needs. So your partner does need to fuck off on that. He's not the one getting up. You are.

As a compromise for everyone, I'd be looking at every possible way to help night time comfort and confidence. Night lights, music, teddy that has a heartbeat and sleep sounds, a pull out bed in their room for you in emergencies when he won't go back to sleep. Things he can do to feel more comfortable. Ask him what he thinks. ( Your son not husband).

I'd tell husband this won't last forever and he needs to stop, shut up and get ear plugs. You are handling it.

You partner is being horrendous and that is NOT how you deal with this.

I have a DS with asd/adhd/dcd/spd and he has ALWAYS been scared of the dark. He's nearly 19 and STILL comes into my room on a bad night for comfort, i would never turn him away.

He has a night light.. its one of those kids star projectors, he has ambient music on (its a chillwave playlist) and a chosen plush toy that makes him feel safer. He also takes prescription melatonin.

Sometimes not all that work, he can't sleep, is too hot/too cold/feels ill, something scared him and he will come down to my room, ask for a hug, get in with me for 10 mins and then i will take him back to bed, do whatever he needs to feel safe/comfortable and tuck him back in.

Shouting at them will not fix fear of the dark, all it will do is give them fear of you. They need to be made to feel safe and loved and reassured.

Not sleeping isn't great, as i said, he is 18, i haven't slept through since he was born because nor has he, you get used to it. My ExH treated him much like yours does, i left when he was 11, and i can honestly say, he sleeps better now, knowing he isn't going to be manhandled and yelled at when he is scared.

So first off, I think we’ve got the same child! Only mine is a bit older now and lots better.

I think what’s happening is a lot of what I see in clinical work as well. Parents become more and more polarised as one gets harder to compensate for the other being softer and it becomes hard to meet in the middle (therefore divide and conquer happens). You’re both right (though husband is going about it wrong). You’re right he needs comfort and he’s right that he’s safe and can do this by himself. You need to agree a plan where you are working together. Think of the anxiety as external - it’s (not your son) bossing you all about and positioning you in ways that aren’t helpful and allow it to grow.

even though I work in the field I found the book breaking free of child anxiety and ocd by Eli lebowitz a really good guide and gave me a plan to work to. It’s high on compassion but your son also needs to start to develop some confidence in managing this stuff too or you’re on a tricky slope that’s hard to stop sliding down. You need both compassion (I can see this is hard) and confidence (but you’ve got this). We hit the skids with my autistic kid around times of big change and this term is ALWAYS brutal. Mines had me up three times this week. But we stick to the principles of offering compassion but also ‘we’ve been here before - you’re safe and you can do this’ and we soon get back on track. It’s not sustainable long term and you deserve to sleep too. Unfortunately offering lots of reassurance becomes a safety behaviour in itself and doesn’t help in the long run. Again, your husbands way is also not helpful and will exacerbate it, but you need to be a team to fight this - including your son xx

Whereas it is true what you are saying there are ways of doing so that aren’t abusive

because @Gagamama2 it is abusive to push slam etc not borderline

Shouting at a child, pushing them, slamming doors and forcing them to be in an environment where they are scared is not borderline abuse, it is abuse. How does your partner’s behaviour meet your child’s needs? Or is this really about him struggling to regulate himself when his sleep is disrupted? How does he think making an already fearful and nervous child even more scared will result in him feeling secure and safe enough to be alone in the dark?

I reckon move into your son's room, everyone will get more sleep

Yes to all of this!!

Also, I forgot about this but we used to have a “monster spray” 😂❤️

It was actually lavender so it had a calming effect too. We used it probably up to the age of around 10 (SEN DC).

Would leaving a monster spray (or whatever other name you want to call it would work?!) in his room help? He could spray it round himself if he wakes up and it might help him to self-settle?

We also used to have a thing called the “mummy kiss” - I’d kiss the palm of their hand and then wrap their fingers round it. If they were feeling sad or missed me, they’d have a “mummy kiss” in their hand that was always with them. It was very special and only need to be refreshed once a day 😊

"he shouts at him to get back to bed. pushes him back into his room. slams our door shut etc etc"

It's not borderline abusive OP. It IS abusive.