Feel uneasy with my partner’s suggestions on splitting food/toiletries costs

[Amber991]

Hi all, I am looking for some second opinions. I moved in with my partner a few months ago. All has been going well, but recently he has started saying we should have a fairer split of our food and toiletries bill, which we usually halve.

Every time we do our main weekly shop, he now goes item by item with the receipt and splits this out. But it goes to the length of him even taking into account if I have leftovers for lunch the next day, and putting a weighting towards this so I pay more. If he thinks I’ll have an extra pack of crisps from a multi pack, he will weight that.

I have a recent stomach issue which I’m seeing my Doctor about which means I’ve been going to the loo more than usual and have been really uncomfortable. So when he went through the receipt yesterday and there was loo roll, I had to pay more on the basis I’ve been using more.

I find this really OTT! Does anyone do similar in terms of the split or do you agree it’s strange?

Wtf!!!

I’d have a heart to heart and ask him what’s changed. Say how you’d like things to be. Also ask him about his saving goals.

My brother was —tight as a gnats arse— frugal for decades. He has had some therapy now for some really horrible financial events and can now enjoy his income and share a better life with his wife. I would still say he is careful with money and likes to save but tbh that’s why they are in a good financial position and have ridden out some major difficulties (someone unable to work long term etc). Find out where all this comes from and challenge it. No I don’t think you have to just accept it; stand up for yourself but you don’t have to just walk away yet.

Sometimes with these ridiculous situations it's worth bringing it up in public with his mates. It's funny how quickly some men will back down from ridiculousness when it's given the sunlight of social opinion. Generally though I would suggest a serious conversation and if he doesn't see how vile and controlling he's being it's time to throw this one back.

Oh my goodness thank your lucky stars he has made this so obvious so early, that means you can leave before this “relationship” is further complicated by such things as wedding costs, house deposits and heaven forbid maternity leave and childcare costs. As a thought experiment ask him how he sees maternity and childcare costs being shared, I mean the egg is so much bigger than the sperm so you should bear 99.9 of the costs right 🤔

Say it ain't so! He calculates bog roll usage?

Fucking hell.

This is such a big red flag. Run!!
The fact that he isn't poor or struggling, tells you this isn't about money. This is about control and it's only going to get worse

Just checking - are you splitting rent and bills either 50:50 or proportionally to income? I was thinking that if your partner is paying the full rent or mortgage this might be his passive aggressive way of telling you he's not happy. This would still not be a good way of telling you how he's feeling but might be fixable through discussion.
Otherwise, this is going to be very painful to live with long-term!

It does not read like you are describing love. In a loving relationship you are both trying to actively look after the other one, not quibble that their illness means they cost a few pence more. We do separate finances not joint (his choice) but it works because he's never once been tight with me. I'm the saver and would happily go all in to a shared pot. I used to have a very thrifty style (habit developed from necessity) but this meant I'd spend too long sourcing a bargain, not quibbling over how I shared the money with the love of my life!
Run away!

Good grief. This is in no way normal.

This reminds me of a book, The Joy Luck Club where he splits grocery bills but won't cover the cost of her tampons.

I could not live like this. Left overs and toilet roll counting. This is insane.

Op while dh doesn’t do that he absolutely lives by how much the food shop costs,how much is spent etc. I can’t tell you how exhausting it is to have conversations about whether things are needed, or surely you can wait and get it next month etc. I don’t know if you plan on having kids but it gets worse with that. Even better is that he thinks most people are too frivolous and people need to keep tightly within their means (why would lower income people buy concert tickets if they can’t afford them. I am lower income btw, mw!) I don’t know that I’d break up now but I would have the ‘how would you feel?’ And ‘do you know I’m not spending the rest of my life having things worked out and approved?’ chat.

Just, wow. What a turn off.

If you have a baby together is he going to bill the baby for nappies and wet wipes?

Get rid of this prick.

Splitting finances in any way you deem reasonable is fine. I can imagine if your gruvery shop includes a multitude of hair and body products for you and a bar if soap for him that'd feel unfair - and similar if he wanted steak for every meal and you were veggie.

But this is excessive. He obviously believes he's paying more than his fair share so is he? Is it significantly more? Is there any area he spends more than you?

He shouldn't be excessively worse off living with you so it may be necessary to have a different split but not down to checking the receipt and who are the leftovers.

My fanny clamped shut, possibly forever reading that. How unattractive.

Seriously though, you need to rethink this relationship. He’s already controlling you in this way he will get worse and his behaviour will spread into other areas of your life. Don’t hang about for that to happen.

Well that sounds utterly miserable.

Id be moving back out

He's weighing stuff?

He's controlling and nuts and cheap.

Move out. This will not improve.

How long did you date this tightwad before moving in?

You’re right it’s totally over the top. You can’t live like that!

Also is all housework and the mental load evenly split? Not everything has an itemised receipt.

I'd run

Run. He is a loon. Count his peas/beans next time you cook dinner and see how he reacts. You deserve better.

Why not open a new bank account and deposit the same amount each Into it each month. You must have an idea of your household spend in an a stage month. Use this account for household bills, and keep your personal spend is deodorants, etc separate. If that doesn't resolve the issue you need to decide if you want to live with that level of anal retention. Just a thought though is he dealing with a money crises that he can't tell you about?

Do you eat the same amount at every meal? I find men in general eat a lot more than women. Does he account for that, or is it just where he can find ways to charge you more?
Anyway, its no way to live at all, and could possibly get a whole lot worse (coercive control territory). Nip it in the bud completely, or leave, do not go along with it.

Also regarding the loo roll business the childish part of my brain wanted to argue that actually he should pay more for bog roll because he uses more of it because he’s clearly a wanker.

Do you want to live like this @Amber991?

that’s what you need to ask yourself

he sounds dreadful by the way

apart from the controlling tosser part - going through a receipt and working out your exact fraction of a multipack of crisps, taking leftovers into account, can you not see how fucking insane, and tear numbing tedious this is?

What’s next? Weighing dirty laundry and proportioning out detergent?

Or before you leave, and you are going to leave surely, why not be as fucking petty and pedantic as this tossend, I washed up your cup and plate yesterday, which took 25 seconds, billed at my usual rate that is 18.3pence about the same price as a packet of multipack crisps.
Last Thursday I carried back 4 cans of lager for you making the shopping bag 46% heavier so my muscles did more work so I am owed half a boiled egg in calories and protein.

He wants to count loo roll sheets then let the Oh Fucking Yes This Is Petty begin!

Well you must be much more laid back than me because you describe his behaviour as 'making you uneasy'. I think his behaviour is repulsive!