Feel uneasy with my partner’s suggestions on splitting food/toiletries costs

[Amber991]

Hi all, I am looking for some second opinions. I moved in with my partner a few months ago. All has been going well, but recently he has started saying we should have a fairer split of our food and toiletries bill, which we usually halve.

Every time we do our main weekly shop, he now goes item by item with the receipt and splits this out. But it goes to the length of him even taking into account if I have leftovers for lunch the next day, and putting a weighting towards this so I pay more. If he thinks I’ll have an extra pack of crisps from a multi pack, he will weight that.

I have a recent stomach issue which I’m seeing my Doctor about which means I’ve been going to the loo more than usual and have been really uncomfortable. So when he went through the receipt yesterday and there was loo roll, I had to pay more on the basis I’ve been using more.

I find this really OTT! Does anyone do similar in terms of the split or do you agree it’s strange?

you have two options:
1: completely separate finances down to having separate toilet rolls in the bathroom and timed showers.

2: run like fuck and don’t ever look back and do not have a child with this man

Ickity ick 🚩

Run and don't look back. When you have kids, you'll be buying everything as it's your baby.
This has more red flags than Red Square

I will give you the TLDR version of your future.

You will live with you paying more as you use more even though you earn less.
He wont get married as its "just a piece of of paper and a waste of money"
You will have a baby but have to save for your half (plus extra) of the bills during maternity leave as he wont support you
You will buy everything for the baby
You will pay for everything child related including childcare when you want to go back to work
You will leave him when you realise that he has £100,000 in savings and you cant afford a new coat
You will get nothing and have to start from scratch.
He will do anything to avoid paying child support

Just don’t fucking to this to yourself.
No wonder you have stomach issues.

What a sad situation but I think you have enough comments to know what to do. Reading your OP made my stomach turn.

100%

Jesus. That is a crazy level of pettiness and tightness and he’s not even financially struggling! Have you ever said you think it’s ott? Is it his way of pushing you away? Is he just struggling with living with anyone, full stop?

Thank god you didn’t buy with him or marry. I’m sorry, but this is a huge red flag and I do think you probably are best off moving out and moving on.

This isn't just mean and petty, this is actively nasty. Nastiness directed personally at you, your needs and vulnerabilities. It will escalate.

Throw this one back OP, counting crisps and monitoring toilet roll is not normal. It's given me the ick just thinking about it.

you have "used more loo roll" - weighted the division for you to pay more !

That alone is enough reason for you to leave this relationship forever

I would rather stay single, than put up with this XXXX
Who does he think he is ?

This is the easiest leave the relationship thread I've ever seen on Mumsnet. The mentality from him towards money and a partnership is just unfathomable to me. He is making your life miserable and it will get worse and worse. How can anyone live like this?!

Sigh.

These blokes are never equally concerned about monitoring chores to make sure that they do not ever do less than their fair share do they?

You're uneasy for a reason OP. Start making plans to exit the flat and exit the relationship.

This man resents you. That’s all you need to know here.

OMG just no.
Counting toilet paper is the most batshit thing I have ever heard. Is this even a real post.
Sorry but I would be moving back out unless you want a lifetime of absolute misery.

This is insane behaviour. Very controlling. I would be out before it goes any further sorry op

OP, you have everyone's support on this. Now what are you going to actually do?

You need to stop feeling 'uneasy' you know this level of pettiness is plain wrong. You need to start being angry and making plans to exit. It's been 2 years too long.

Run, run, run, it will only get worse, a leopard never changes his spots.

By the by, you moved into his place, does he rent or buying?
Are you paying for his mortgage or his rent at the moment?

That's just ridiculous. He's being unreasonable and it's not likely to get better.He obviously has a very warped idea of what a relationship is. Think hard about what you want for the future.

Well now that you've lived together you can see what a miserly controlling arse he is. Is this how you want to live, with him poring over receipts trying to find a way to shift the costs onto your shoulders?

"No, he earns well (I do too but less than him) but struggles with spending and prefers to save"
"Struggles with spending" - well that's a 'nice' way to say he's a Scrooge. But however you say it, he is a tight-fisted, miserly, mean, penny-pinching man. And he always will be.

Consider some hypotheticals -

1. You are made redundant and struggle to find another job. You have no money to meet your 50:50 share. Ho does he react?
2. You become ill and cannot work. How does he react?
3. You decide to have a family and maternity leave is paid at statutory minimum. Does he insist you still 'pay your share'?
4. Having started a family you are burned out working full time and raising a child, you consider going part-time. Does he insist you still 'pay your share', even if that involves dipping into your savings (his are ring-fenced, you cannot touch his savings)?

The fact that he "struggles with spending and prefers to save" is, in combination with his poring over supermarket receipts, a bit of a red flag. A big bit. You are right to feel uneasy, because it demonstrates that at heart, he is mean. He will always seek to make you pay, so that he can 'save'.

Move back out. Reconsider if this man is one you want to tie yourself to financially, because his meanness will not change.

Come on. You are in a relationship with someone who charges you more for toilet roll when you have a dodgy stomach. Wft. Get a grip. This guy needs binned. How on earth can you find this in any way acceptable. Jesus wept. 🤦‍♀️

Yep. Run run run!

Do you pay extra for sanitary towels or if you need paracetamol if you are ill- what about if you have children are maternity clothes your responsibility and maternity towels after birth. This is total madness. Women pay more than men for everything eg hair cuts - he earns more than you. Surely you pay a % based on earnings? No? Wtaf

This would give me the major ick. Dump! You'll end up being one of those couples who has a kid and you have to use your savings to cover maternity leave.