To think DH is losing the plot re: DS’s new girlfriend??

[LittleMarmiteQueen]

DS (17) has a new GF, been seeing her a few weeks. She seems nice enough, a bit quiet maybe, but polite, comes from the next town over. He’s been asking if she can stay over one weekend (they’ve been spending a lot of time here anyway, mostly watching films in his room, door open etc)

DH has suddenly decided he’s “getting bad vibes” off her. Couldn’t really explain what he meant, just that “something’s off” and “you never know these days” 🙄

He’s now saying he wants to hire a private investigator to do a background check before we let her stay the night. A PI!!! For a 17yo girl!!! He’s already been Googling local firms and tried to act like this is totally normal and responsible parenting.

I told him he was being ridiculous and over the top but he’s digging his heels in and going on about “protecting DS” and how “she could be hiding something” and we need to be “vigilant”. Honestly I’m half wondering if he’s watched too many Netflix docs lately.

FWIW we’ve met her twice, she’s been nothing but respectful, and DS is completely smitten. I think if he finds out we’re even considering this he’ll go nuclear.

AIBU to think this is a completely mad overreaction?? Or is this just modern parenting now and I’m the one who’s too relaxed?

FIL from Hell. Jesus. Good luck.

I don't know why so many posters are leaping to the conclusion that this girl must have been involved in some kind of sex work. Far more likely to be about racism. As the mother of a mixed race girl, I can't overstate how much people assume that this means an extended family full of gangsters and drug pushers.

The OP's husband likely doesn't consider himself racist, but the thought of having one in the family is giving him an uncomfortable 'gut feeling' that of course he can't explain.

I commented early on that he possibly recognised her from an only fans or something because
a) it’s op husband and she’s finding this behaviour extremely unusual
b) I didn’t know she was mixed race at that point (I’m not white) so I agree it could totally be racism or unconscious bias

i think OP is a tremendous mum and I’m so sorry @LittleMarmiteQueenthat you’re going through this.
all possible reasons
a) creepiness
b)racism
c) control
are deeply unsettling and worrying and do not bode well for your marriage and or family dynamics. I’m hoping beyond hope your husband will come clean and be honest with you and seek forgiveness and counselling before this gets to anyone else’s ears including your son and the gf.
x

Pretty sure he's had sex with her mother at some point, or he has seen her on a porn or prostitute site, maybe she's an Only Fans prostitute? There's no other reasonable explanation for this that I can think of, he hasn't lost the plot and is perfectly normal except around this one topic.

if it was racism or control he'd have gone off immediately or much, much sooner. He didn't. He's hiding something else.

Could she be his?

My nephews Dad (no contact with my nephew) had lots of children and I always worried about what would happen if my nephew ended up dating one of his half-siblings without knowing. I always thought it would be the Dad that would need to come clean as he’d be the only one that would really know.

🤣

😬

How awful OP.
He sounds both unhinged and sinister.
I think you do need to tell your son what is going on.

I think it’s more helpful if people start to realise why they assume things and question their assumptions. A lot of our racism is due to schemas that we are taught from a young age. They aren’t necessarily based on malice, the bigger issue is people get defensive when these things are brought to their attention.

This is totally unhinged. Your DH is definitely masking something - previous knowledge of the girl and her Mum or a mental crisis. Or he’s developed a deep, intense crush on her himself and he’s trying to deflect

Or could he be a downright snob, by researching her background and what type of school she went to???

i personally think the mixed race element is a red herring. No sane person researches that about a person.

Incorrect: the racist twat is all three!

Charming! 🤣👎😇😈😉

Gosh sorry OP but indeed something seems really off with this.

Is she going to be safe if she’s staying over? Is he going to start going through her stuff or spying on them?

@LittleMarmiteQueen how is he behaving aside from this? If its mental health related it will be more evident as he'll be consumed with it (paranoia etc) but If he is being logical, acting normally and calm 90% of the time and about other things it is unlikely as you cannot shut those thoughts on and off at will. If he's talking about this non stop (the midnight thing was a red flag) it could well be a mental health crisis. Either that or he's very very worried about something I.e past interactions with her or her mum

Sounds like a bit of snobbery. Does he think she’s “beneath” you and hangs out with drug dealers or something?

I think it's your DH who needs the help- it sounds as if he's finding his life a little dull and some paranoia will spice it up, get him some therapy, and cancel Netflix!

I was thinking this too. I think he knows her mum and eother there was some bullying one way or another or he thinks he could be her father.

I explained twice, how I made the errors and it was nothing to do with race.

It wasn't racist to assume that she was working class, you can believe what you like.

There is nothing wrong with being WC or mixed race.

Firing the accusation at me being racist was wrong in this case. I'm working class as are my family and friends.

I'm floored people suggesting she could be is a prostitute or porn actress, or her mother was having affairs with married men but suggesting she is working class is racist?? I'd rather be accused of being working class rather than an OF prostitute.

I reckon it's projection. This is how he handles his inappropriate attraction to his son's girlfriend. He blames her.

Possibly the girls mum?!

This is all levels of bonkers.

he’s the one who needs the pi on him, why do t you suggest that?

It really does sound like racism.

Dh and I randomly chatting last night and I asked his opinion on this and he said if he had to guess, DH has an OF acc, has realised he knows her from it and that’s why he’s doing the whole PI thing because how else can he uncover her secret without exposing himself.

Pretty grim that a child is being considered through the lens of sex work. The focus should be wholly on OP's husband. The fact that he has embarked on a solo, secretive trawl through this child's life, without discussing it with OP, or asking what she thinks about doing some background research based on genuine, shared concerns is, at the very least, peculiar.