To think DH is losing the plot re: DS’s new girlfriend??

[LittleMarmiteQueen]

DS (17) has a new GF, been seeing her a few weeks. She seems nice enough, a bit quiet maybe, but polite, comes from the next town over. He’s been asking if she can stay over one weekend (they’ve been spending a lot of time here anyway, mostly watching films in his room, door open etc)

DH has suddenly decided he’s “getting bad vibes” off her. Couldn’t really explain what he meant, just that “something’s off” and “you never know these days” 🙄

He’s now saying he wants to hire a private investigator to do a background check before we let her stay the night. A PI!!! For a 17yo girl!!! He’s already been Googling local firms and tried to act like this is totally normal and responsible parenting.

I told him he was being ridiculous and over the top but he’s digging his heels in and going on about “protecting DS” and how “she could be hiding something” and we need to be “vigilant”. Honestly I’m half wondering if he’s watched too many Netflix docs lately.

FWIW we’ve met her twice, she’s been nothing but respectful, and DS is completely smitten. I think if he finds out we’re even considering this he’ll go nuclear.

AIBU to think this is a completely mad overreaction?? Or is this just modern parenting now and I’m the one who’s too relaxed?

"It’s great that you find your racism hilarious, though."
No, I found your response hilarious.
I will not be responding to your paranoid posts again.

I’m Black, so it seems unlikely he’d want me on his team.

Although, as I have the temerity to be Black AND not be from a low income background, it’s possible your head may implode. My apologies.

That’s probably best. Have the day you deserve. 😊

I wonder if it's her. mum he already knows...?

He is planting seeds. There will be a 'Ta Da! Told you!' moment in the near future. It will be something trivial that he will try to amplify in order to perpetuate and justify this sinister and disgusting behaviour.

None of us know what his issue is - we can only speculate. But it isn't a 'hunch', it's personal.

but if the children are around the same age it might not have been before they met.....

He sounds an absolute lunatic!

I can’t think he found all that out about the Mum on the spur of the moment either. Perhaps he knows the Mum?

Absolutely bonkers and very sinister. I would be on my guard as you are OP, and preparing to tell all to DS and the girl’s family/ leave him.

It’s either racist or something equally sinister like he fancies this young girl or has had an affair with her Mum or something.

There is seriously something wrong with you.
Hope you have a shit day today.

This is beyond weird. Please keep us updated!

I reckon it's racism, classism, or he knows the mum from somewhere.

He means non-white. He’s done the digging because he’s a racist who believes that people who are not white are inherently criminal. OP hasn’t given any details about the girl’s ethnic mix, but I’ll bet the house she’s white / Black Caribbean rather than white/ Black African, white/Asian or white/SE Asian. This is why he told OP she was being “naive”. What a c* he is.

There is seriously something wrong with you.

Says the racist to the Black person who just called out their racism. Hmm.

I’m fairly confident that my day will continue to be pretty good. Let’s see how yours goes.

Literally nothing about that indicates that she’s low income or not middle class. Just that she’s mixed race. Read it as many times as you required until you grasp that.

You're probably just gonna 'call me out' as racist too now, which I'm not, but it's weird that you can't see how this sentence reads like OP is presenting 'She' and one thing and 'we' as another:

She’s mixed race and we are very white middle class suburbia

That may not be the dominant reading for all but it's not a reach for PP to read that as 'she 'being the opposite of 'we' i.e. not middle class nor suburban as well as not 'very white'. Esp as the point the OP is making in that whole paragraph is that DH is reacting to her background that may have triggered unconscious bias. OP isn't including 'She' in the 'we', so it's reasonable to assume she's presenting the ways they are different. All of which to say, I think there's misunderstandings between you and PP but I don't think that makes them the racist one here - that would be the OP's DH and that should be the focus really. So I'll shut up now.

If there entire circle of friends and family are white then no, she very well wouldn’t have noticed. A lot of racist people don’t exclaim it out loud and don’t show much of it when they onto encounter people of colour during shopping/out and about/work related. But when they have one suddenly in their home and dating a family member, that’s different and their attitude can’t be hidden.

Pleeeease can you stop goading the other poster on this thread now, you're interrupting the flow of me reading responses with so much daft non-issue posts.

I’m not repeating myself. Feel free to read (and reread) my responses to PP. Or not.

We’d ended the conversation over 20 minutes before you wrote that comment. If anyone is ‘goading’ with daft non-issues, it’s you.

There's something seriously wrong with him, OP. That's fully batshit behaviour and fucking creepy, stalking behaviour of the girl and her family. Gross.

Is she secretly his child?

Oh well, the thread is imploding slightly.

OP I think to be honest that the speculation in some of the replies on here are utterly over the top and are quite ridiculous.

I don’t think it overly weird that he has looked for a bit of background on the girl, she will soon perhaps be staying in your home and so I think that’s fair enough. What I do find really odd is the private detective conversation, has he been watching too many true crime programmes that have affected his sense of reason!

Personally I wouldn’t tell your son, if you do so, I think not only will this thread implode, but so will your life as you know it. I would tread very carefully for a while and see where the conversation goes over the next few days.

That reminds me of an episode of House which had that exact plot even down to the racial element

I agree, he knows something about the family/mum/gf and he wants the PI to 'discover' it.

I think is OTT rection to your questions is all about covering up the fact that he KNOWS what he is asking is unreasonable.

People jumping onto he might have MH issues,
sounds to me like he’s racist.

I think the girl being mixed race is a huge red herring. Racism doesn’t usually present as stalking people on the internet obsessively. Plus, I’d be very surprised if you’ve been together 20 odd years and there’s been zero previous suggestion of racism. Racists are desperate to talk about why they’re hard done by and oppressed and all that bollocks. They don’t tend to sit on their hands and bite their tongue for 20yrs.

No, this is almost certainly sex related. Could be the girl, could be the mum. If it’s the girl it could be anything from him finding her attractive, having an erotic dream about her, finding himself thinking of her when he masturbates etc to him having made a pass at her previously. The latter could be why she was so shy, the former could be why he’s freaking out. If it’s the mum, it’s either a ONS previously and he thinks he’s the girl’s dad or a more recent ONS or affair that he’s now freaking out about as it may all come out.

Of course, the third option is that your husband is having a breakdown but I suspect there’d be other signs if this was the case.

A white social worker told me off for calling my daughter mixed race. She told I should say "dual heritage". I asked what did that prove, because unless someones parents are brother and sister, everyone is dual heritage. She never mentioned it again.

Also, I agree that he already knows something but its something that would make him look bad if you found out.

My feelings are either he thinks he is the girls father, or he has had some other relationship with the mother, probably while in a relationship with you given that the kids are the same age.

Oh thank goodness someone has said this! It was my immediate thought but I was feeling bad for thinking it.