To think DH is losing the plot re: DS’s new girlfriend??

[LittleMarmiteQueen]

DS (17) has a new GF, been seeing her a few weeks. She seems nice enough, a bit quiet maybe, but polite, comes from the next town over. He’s been asking if she can stay over one weekend (they’ve been spending a lot of time here anyway, mostly watching films in his room, door open etc)

DH has suddenly decided he’s “getting bad vibes” off her. Couldn’t really explain what he meant, just that “something’s off” and “you never know these days” 🙄

He’s now saying he wants to hire a private investigator to do a background check before we let her stay the night. A PI!!! For a 17yo girl!!! He’s already been Googling local firms and tried to act like this is totally normal and responsible parenting.

I told him he was being ridiculous and over the top but he’s digging his heels in and going on about “protecting DS” and how “she could be hiding something” and we need to be “vigilant”. Honestly I’m half wondering if he’s watched too many Netflix docs lately.

FWIW we’ve met her twice, she’s been nothing but respectful, and DS is completely smitten. I think if he finds out we’re even considering this he’ll go nuclear.

AIBU to think this is a completely mad overreaction?? Or is this just modern parenting now and I’m the one who’s too relaxed?

something similar happened with one of my cousins. "The adults" were acting strange and didn't want them to spend the night together. Turned out her BF was actually our other Uncle's son and so they didn't want two cousins procreating. There's nothing illegal about it but they thought it would be frowned upon.

Maybe hubby knows something you don't.

Flipping hell that's mad. Yes DS and his GF will rightly be furious if they find out. This is not normal parenting or normal behaviour at all. You (and he) have to trust your son to make his own choices and should be nothing short of welcoming to the GF until you have a very good reason not to.

I would put money on your DH having seen her/paid for her content on OnlyFans. He can't come out and say it so is having to go through the facade of hiring a private investigator.

To answer a few qs: no trauma that I know of, nothing in DH’s past that would make this make sense. He’s not usually like this, bit overprotective at times maybe but never this far off the rails. And yes, I do think he’s been spending too much time online lately, especially down some true crime rabbit holes.

Nothing about the girl seems dodgy to me. We don’t know her in depth but she’s not exactly giving off scammer/spy/serial killer vibes. DS met her at a party via mutuals, normal enough stuff. She’s still at sixth form. I did ask if DH had seen something online about her and he got all cagey and just said “I can’t put my finger on it” which is about as useful as a chocolate teapot tbh.

I do worry there’s something else going on, whether he fancies her (grim but not impossible, someone said it and I can’t unthink it now) or if there’s something buried like unconscious bias about her background. She’s mixed race and we are very white middle class suburbia, so maybe something’s been triggered and he can’t admit it even to himself? I don’t want to believe that but…

And yes, noted! Not “we”. He wants to hire a PI. I told him flat out I wouldn’t be a part of it but he thinks I’m being naive.

Honestly I’m tempted to warn DS before DH does something unforgivable. But I also don’t want to blow it all up unless I have to. What a mess.

Given the update, DH sounds racist.

“If you do this, I will tell DS”. And mean it.

I thought it was insane making a 17 year old keep the door open to watch a film with his girlfriend but the PI thing is truly terrifying. Funny that your DH thinks this kid might be “hiding something” but it’s him that’s a creepy lunatic.

If I was this girls mother and I knew some middle aged man was getting someone to essentially stalk her…my God I’d be horrified.

Yup. It’s hard to get away from this.

Either
He knows something he isn't sharing with you
He is racist
He is a loon

Racist. He thinks that she’s from a criminal background or something because of her ethnicity. He wants to know everything possible about her family. Horrible.

Oh just saw the update. He’s just plain old racist.

Racist. Big time.

Your husband is losing it because son's new GF is mixed race.

Mmm...a very odd reaction to a girl he's only met twice. I would be wondering if your husband knows something about this young girl or her family, that he can't share openly with you???!! Or he is heading to some kind of mental health breakdown?? I understand as a parent we want to protect our children, but this suggestion is not only bizarre, it's utterly crazy. You absolutely need to talk him out of hiring a PI.

About to say the same

As if a PI would investigate a child….

This is exactly what I thought. If the PI discovers OF/Porn then your DH already knew it.

Oh, he’s not mad, just plain racist. He can’t put his finger on it in the way people can’t articulate what exactly they don’t/didn’t like about Meghan Markle. You’ll likely come back and deny it, but this is exactly what it is.

This

My theory Apparently lots of peoples’ theory: he thinks he recognises her from porn/ only fans but doesn’t want to confess to how he knows

Im afraid it sounds as if he is racist OP. Does not make sense why he would insist on PI. What crime or unsavoury fact is he hoping to.find out? As a mixed race person, once in a professional setting when myself and a colleague had a simple professional disagreement, she asked me if my siblings would come after her with a shotgun🙄 level of ignorance of some is shocking. 😬

loing the plot?.....plot is disappearing over the hill and into the far distance.

Has she got a sister who he may have paid to view on Only Fans? Unlikely to be her.

Nightmare indeed. I'd put some of those theories to him OP to try and smoke out what's going on in his mind. Might help him see how nuts he's being if you tell him you're worried that he fancies a kid or is a closet nazi.

Shades of Meet the Fockers - unless he is Robert De Niro in a comedy blockbuster, he is being beyond disturbingly weird.

😂