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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH is losing the plot re: DS’s new girlfriend??

489 replies

LittleMarmiteQueen · 13/07/2025 19:05

DS (17) has a new GF, been seeing her a few weeks. She seems nice enough, a bit quiet maybe, but polite, comes from the next town over. He’s been asking if she can stay over one weekend (they’ve been spending a lot of time here anyway, mostly watching films in his room, door open etc)

DH has suddenly decided he’s “getting bad vibes” off her. Couldn’t really explain what he meant, just that “something’s off” and “you never know these days” 🙄

He’s now saying he wants to hire a private investigator to do a background check before we let her stay the night. A PI!!! For a 17yo girl!!! He’s already been Googling local firms and tried to act like this is totally normal and responsible parenting.

I told him he was being ridiculous and over the top but he’s digging his heels in and going on about “protecting DS” and how “she could be hiding something” and we need to be “vigilant”. Honestly I’m half wondering if he’s watched too many Netflix docs lately.

FWIW we’ve met her twice, she’s been nothing but respectful, and DS is completely smitten. I think if he finds out we’re even considering this he’ll go nuclear.

AIBU to think this is a completely mad overreaction?? Or is this just modern parenting now and I’m the one who’s too relaxed?

OP posts:
MyCyanReader · 14/07/2025 19:16

LittleMarmiteQueen · 14/07/2025 10:22

Morning all - thought I’d come back with a quick (ish) update. Thank you again to everyone who commented yesterday. It was overwhelming in the best way and really helped me feel less like I was being gaslit in my own house.

So. Last night didn’t end well. After I posted, DH basically sulked around all evening. Wouldn’t talk properly but kept making passive-aggressive comments like “I see you’ve made up your mind about me” and “guess I’m not allowed to trust my instincts anymore.” I didn’t rise to it.

Then around midnight - yes, midnight - he came into the bedroom and said he’d “done some digging” (his words) and found the girl’s mum on Facebook. Apparently he’d looked through her profile, gone through likes, friends, tagged pics, and somehow ended up looking at what school she went to. He said something about “certain types of people” all knowing each other. That was the moment I lost it.

I told him flat out that this was beyond weird and that if he made one more move to track this girl or anyone around her, I would not only tell DS but her parents as well. I also told him I’d start looking at legal advice if it came to that. He tried to act all hurt and “how dare you think I’d do something inappropriate” but honestly, it’s like talking to a completely different person.

This morning he’s pretending everything is fine and offering me tea like nothing happened. No apology. No acknowledgement of how invasive and borderline sinister this is. Just back to normal as if he didn’t spend half the night stalking a teenager’s family on social media.

DS has no idea still but I don’t know how long that’ll last. And honestly? I’m starting to wonder what else DH is capable of. Never thought I’d be in this situation over a teenage relationship but here we are.

Will update again if (when?) this blows up. For now I’m just keeping notes, and keeping calm. But I’m done playing along with this “concerned dad” act. It’s not concern - it’s control. And it’s not going to fly.

Are you sure he didn't shag the mum years ago and is worried this is his daughter?!?? 🤣

Buffs · 14/07/2025 19:18

He needs to fully explain what this ‘gut feel’ and ‘instinct’ he describes, is based on. Until then his reaction seems very odd indeed.

Vulnor · 14/07/2025 19:36

I don’t think it’s about racism because you’ve met her twice and if it was that wouldn’t it have started sooner? How was he after the first meeting?

Specifically the PI makes me feel positive it must be that he knows something about her (only fans, porn etc) or her family (her mum is a prostitute for example) and he cannot tell you how he knows but knows a PI would find out.

Some of the other ideas (it’s his child or he tried it on with her) would have made sense except that the PI wouldn’t help in those situations.

The suddenness and insanity of it all makes me think it’s something marriage-ruining (like that he’s slept with a prostitute and has now recognised the woman on the girls Facebook) and is desperate to get rid of her.

It really doesn’t sound like he’s going mad to me. It sounds very specifically like he’s very worried a big secret of his is about to come out and his life is going to come crashing down.

Debtdolly · 14/07/2025 20:00

This definitely rings alarm bells and my initial thoughts were

  1. He recognises her from somewhere eg only fans!
  2. He’s worried he could secretly be her father

Both seem a little far fetched but his reaction is so extreme that I’d say anything is possible

Petitchat · 14/07/2025 20:03

ChloefromSundy · 14/07/2025 14:15

Pleeeease can you stop goading the other poster on this thread now, you're interrupting the flow of me reading responses with so much daft non-issue posts.

Show quote history

Agree with you. It's went past the point of silly and it's derailing......

noctilucentcloud · 14/07/2025 20:03

Gorse · 14/07/2025 18:36

Grandson age 19, meets "lovely" girl at college. Girl is 17, grandson has severe dyscalculia!
Lovely girl "helps" the boy to access his Child ISA. My grandson buys the girl everything she asks for, she also "helps" him to transfer money into her account. Net result out of an ISA worth £21.5k within 2 months only £6000 is left, £8000 directly transferred into lovely girl's account.
After meeting her mother, it turns out she has done similar to at least 2 other boys. The mother wrings her hands " what can I do?" she simpers.
The police are aware and say my grandson was subject to (all kinds of) abuse. My grandson won't press charges though, he feels he's a stupid victim and everyone will laugh at him. He's fallen out with his parents over this. He's currently living with me.
Yep, everyone thought she was lovely, everyone believed the lies she told, no one could imagine that she was a wrong'un.

I'm sorry that happened to your grandson. He definitely shouldn't feel stupid or embaressed. To take from Gisele Pelicot in different circumstances, it's not his shame to bear.

However, what happened to your grandson is really unusual. It's important to be aware that young people's relationships can be abusive. But there's nothing that OP has written to suggest that is the case, and even if it were the OPs husband hiring a PI is all kinds of wrong.

i hope your grandson manages to overcome this and gets the support he needs.

Tidekiln · 14/07/2025 20:04

Debtdolly · 14/07/2025 20:00

This definitely rings alarm bells and my initial thoughts were

  1. He recognises her from somewhere eg only fans!
  2. He’s worried he could secretly be her father

Both seem a little far fetched but his reaction is so extreme that I’d say anything is possible

But if he is worried he is her father why would he disclose to his wife that he is getting a PI? What if she wanted to see the report?

Surgz · 14/07/2025 20:19

He 'knows her' already but can't share why... otherwise he is mentally unstable?

RunAwayBaby · 14/07/2025 20:19

pinkdelight · 14/07/2025 14:02

Literally nothing about that indicates that she’s low income or not middle class. Just that she’s mixed race. Read it as many times as you required until you grasp that.

You're probably just gonna 'call me out' as racist too now, which I'm not, but it's weird that you can't see how this sentence reads like OP is presenting 'She' and one thing and 'we' as another:

She’s mixed race and we are very white middle class suburbia

That may not be the dominant reading for all but it's not a reach for PP to read that as 'she 'being the opposite of 'we' i.e. not middle class nor suburban as well as not 'very white'. Esp as the point the OP is making in that whole paragraph is that DH is reacting to her background that may have triggered unconscious bias. OP isn't including 'She' in the 'we', so it's reasonable to assume she's presenting the ways they are different. All of which to say, I think there's misunderstandings between you and PP but I don't think that makes them the racist one here - that would be the OP's DH and that should be the focus really. So I'll shut up now.

Show quote history

I disagree with your reading of what the OP has actually said. The only thing the OP has offered about the GF is that she is mixed race. The fact that they are white middle class surbia is a statement about them. The reading both you and the PP assuming she was of working class is based on racist assumptions.

pineapplesundae · 14/07/2025 20:21

I would want to know something about the person my son is spending time with but I wouldn’t go PI. I would arrange a meet the parents or something like that.

TheEveningSun · 14/07/2025 20:26

Katbum · 14/07/2025 11:09

The more I read it is obvious that either this is a proper mental health crisis or the DH knows her/her family in some way that would shed him in a bad light (OnlyFans, sex work, drug buying, affair). There is just no other rational way of explaining this

Definitely! I’d be turning into PI myself and doing a full search of his online history

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 14/07/2025 20:27

Your husband has lost the plot!

knor · 14/07/2025 20:29

This sounds crazy OP! Your DH has definitely been watching too many docs. If I was being very kind, I’d say maybe he’s just trying to be extra careful re your son.
if he doesn’t want the gf to stay, then this is a different convo but once your son turns 18, he could move out to his own place or uni so sometimes I think it’s better to start having bfs/gfs stay in family home first

bluewhitebluewhite · 14/07/2025 20:33

pineapplesundae · 14/07/2025 20:21

I would want to know something about the person my son is spending time with but I wouldn’t go PI. I would arrange a meet the parents or something like that.

Jeezo. Even that is way over the top. Vetting the parents? And what would you do if they didn’t come up to your standards?

ThePoshUns · 14/07/2025 20:56

Maybe he’s worried the GF might be his secret love child?

Beachtastic · 14/07/2025 21:02

ThePoshUns · 14/07/2025 20:56

Maybe he’s worried the GF might be his secret love child?

This is turning into the new "cancel the cheque" 😄

EmeraldShamrock000 · 14/07/2025 21:18

RunAwayBaby · 14/07/2025 20:19

I disagree with your reading of what the OP has actually said. The only thing the OP has offered about the GF is that she is mixed race. The fact that they are white middle class surbia is a statement about them. The reading both you and the PP assuming she was of working class is based on racist assumptions.

Show quote history

Please feel free to report any posts that you assume are racist.

EmeraldShamrock000 · 14/07/2025 21:19

@LittleMarmiteQueen Are you going to fill in the blanks??

Lilactimes · 14/07/2025 21:26

I said this a while back and no one else has agreed or thinks the same - but is there any possibility he had an affair a while back and he’s freaking out because he thinks she may be related to him? And therefore your son??

His behaviour just seems to extreme for someone who’s never done anything like this before.

Jumpers4goalposts · 14/07/2025 21:49

I wouldn’t let this poor girl stay over for her own safety.

Gorse · 14/07/2025 21:58

noctilucentcloud · 14/07/2025 20:03

I'm sorry that happened to your grandson. He definitely shouldn't feel stupid or embaressed. To take from Gisele Pelicot in different circumstances, it's not his shame to bear.

However, what happened to your grandson is really unusual. It's important to be aware that young people's relationships can be abusive. But there's nothing that OP has written to suggest that is the case, and even if it were the OPs husband hiring a PI is all kinds of wrong.

i hope your grandson manages to overcome this and gets the support he needs.

Show quote history

Thanks for your comment, we are all doing the best we can to help him. The college they were attending has been very helpful and actually contacted the police as soon as they were aware. The girl is going on to uni in September, her victim though is not, as most of the funds saved for many years for accomodation have disappeared. He's concentrating now on his favorite sport and hopes to do something with that. I wasn't suggesting for a moment that parents should investigate their children's girl/boy friends, but be aware, and don't take anyone at face value - no matter how angelic they look.

OneKhakiFish · 14/07/2025 22:03

He obviously doesn’t want them to have sex, whose idea was it to keep the bedroom door open, they should have privacy at 17

MyRubyFox · 14/07/2025 22:13

He must have found something out about her but doesn't want to divulge it to you.

2024changes · 14/07/2025 22:23

The suggestion of The PI is the most telling comment. It what prompted you to post in the first place.
it is either paranoia/ anxiety with your son’s relationship becoming serious or knowing something and wanting it confirmed.
Generally I wouldn’t think it is the first suggestion someone would make if they are hiding something.A PI if it was possible would investigate why you wanted this information

It much more likely to be anxiety over the relationship becoming serious and why that is detrimental to your son in his opinion

Topseyt123 · 14/07/2025 22:51

Blimey, your DH really has lost the plot.

I think you need to tell your DS what is going on here. You want him to know for sure that you have his back, not worry that that you might be complicit with DH because you continued to keep this from him for any length of time. He needs to know, maybe because he might need to protect his girlfriend by keeping his creepy father well away from her.

Your DH might or might not be racially motivated here (probably is) but it is weird and creepy as fuck. I think it is good that you appear determined to stand up to him for this utter twattery. It's both offensive and intrusive.