Dd(10) uninvited from party

[freddiewini]

Dd (10) was invited to a girl in her classes leavers party after their last day. She’s not best friends with this girl, just friends but she was excited. All the girls invited( only 8 in total ) some of the boys.

She has now been uninvited because the boy the girl fancies told his friends he fancies dd. Dd doesn’t even like this boy or care about boys in general (thank god) But the girl doesn’t want dd at her party because he will be there. Dd has since been called names and been made fun of by this girl at school.

Her mums answer when I queried was just sorry but you know what girls that age are like when it comes to boys.

I would be unreasonable to let dd have her own party here wouldnt I? Dds best friends mum is encouraging me to. We have more room and a swimming pool and I know dd is generally more liked, girl has history of being mean and upsetting people.
What if we have it this weekend, (they breakup Tuesday after) inviting the other girls but obviously not the one who’s been mean to her? I

It’s not pandering to the behaviour, it’s rising above it.

If you let mean behaviour make you mean, you have given the mean person power over you.

But NOT on the same day. You dont have to invite the girl, but she can have her own party another day. That way it doesnt sound like a revenge party, which it would do if you hold it at the same time.

The one at fault here is the girl's mom for permitting this kind of behaviour, but you dont have to condone it retaliating in the same was. They are 10/11 for heavens sake, not 15 and far too young to take boy crushes seriously.

I would however mention to her mother that she is bullying your daughter at school.

Funny you should use that term. I actually know of a party that became known as the "revenge party."

The facts were a bit different, but the upshot is even the children clocked it for what it was and it didn't leave the revenge party thrower looking victorious; I think everyone felt faintly pitying that they had felt the need to go all out in an OTT way and at great expense to recover their dignity (in their own mind). I think everyone remembers it more for that than anything - and the size of the obvious hurt they were feeling ( which I do feel sorry for) kind of got immortalised rather than forgotten. The bigger the party, the bigger the memory ...

If my 10yr old DD had told me they wanted to uninvite anyone for that reason i’d cancel the party before I did that. The mum is ridiculous.

Of course you can, but obviously not on the same date...that smells of revenge and will probably have unwanted fall out for you and your daughter.

She's not having the party on the same day. The OP has stated this many times.

Glad to here it. I have been trying to follow all the comments on this thread but wasnt clear about the date

I agree with those saying have your own party and invite the other little twerp. Take the high ground and shame the mum in the process for the horrible choices she’s supporting her daughter in making.

Had your dd had her party? I hope it went well for her and that the meanness at school stopped.

And you really think the parent/child will think in that way? Bullies aren't nice people. They will be thinking "ha, I got two parties and she only got one" or something along those lines. You're giving them too much credit.

Or they'll think "ha! They were so bothered I didn't let them come they had to organise their own emulation of it."

I'd honestly just strike out on your own terms and do something different and better op.

Did you hold the party OP? How did it go?

Avoiding mean people doesn't make a person mean themselves. It's called asserting your boundaries and not tolerating people in your life that don't add to it. A valuable lesson to learn even at 10.

@freddiewini just wanted to say I hope your daughter had a lovely party!

Abso-bloomin-lutely GO FOR IT!

I didn’t say anything about what THEY think. I was talking about not letting MYSELF become unpleasant just because somebody else is. I don’t really care what they think.

Yes, that’s a very important thing to do.

Only if you have next-level self-esteem and self-knowledge are you in a position to remain unaffected by mean behaviour.

I consider that to be the gold standard. But I agree that some people aren’t up to it, unfortunately.

I’m 50 and am yet to meet anyone not affected by mean behaviour.

It’s not being kind - it’s about having dignity and not stooping to the low level of the mean girl . Two wrongs don’t make a right.

Exactly!

Send those invites.

How did the party go op? I hope your DD had a grand old time! She absolutely should not miss out and doing so would not be “morally superior” in any way!
Did you hear anything from the other Mum?

So she can torment her at her own party???

Look I thought this myself at first, but then I reflected and told myself hold on, surely we wouldn’t invite an abuser to our party, would we?!

Calling her an abuser seems over-dramatic.

In my opinion, to know all is to forgive all. The little girl had an instinct and her mother foolishly endorsed it. They didn’t think of the knock-on effects on OP’s daughter. The ultimate knock-on effect is for OP to seek revenge. (That could easily turn into a cycle of negativity for everybody. On a larger scale, that’s how wars start.)

Mean behaviour generally (not always) stems from feelings of inadequacy, insecurity, injustice, thoughtlessness and so on. Everyone on this thread is very happy to forgive OP for her mean idea of excluding a little girl from a party. That’s because we know the backstory. If we didn’t, we’d be encouraging the other family to seek revenge. And who knows, if we heard that family’s backstory we might discover loads of extenuating circumstances. Everybody has stuff in their past which shapes their thinking. Bad experiences. Or stuff like this moment, which will shape the girls, especially if it forms part of an on-going pattern. The most effective way of changing people’s behaviour is not taking revenge (they will probably just double down because they feel harshly treated), it’s engaging with them, understanding them and supportively challenging their ideas.

This just happens to be the way I think and my personality. It means I am very peaceful, chill and happy. I benefit from it much more than the people I “forgive”. But I understand Buddhists actively seek this kind of thinking, in order to achieve similar results.

I’ll remind folk that the “little girl” concerned did more than exclude the OP’s daughter from a party. There were comments about her physical appearance.

I spent my life trying to be the better person.

My first two years at high school were hell and there was one major incident in third year.

I had intended going to our school reunion next month. I’m not going now.

One of the girls who made my life an abject misery - but was on the periphery - got in touch via social media, wanting me to forgive her IF she ever did anything to hurt me.

I told her to forget about it - it’s been a long time.

More and more messages. She wants to meet me in person at the reunion and apologise.

I’ve now told her I can’t go, but to stop worrying - there’s nothing to forgive.

The truth? I’m 65, FGS, and I still get palpitations thinking about those days. My self esteem is still affected. I nearly had plastic surgery because of one of my supposed defects. just hearing from her brought it all back, to the extent where I wished that I’d opted for the surgery.

I’m not saying this to the woman - I assume she has her own mental health issues, but I refuse to be a support animal for someone who contributed to making my life abject misery while I tried to to take the higher ground.

I hope that that the OP’s daughter had a wonderful party.