Dd(10) uninvited from party

[freddiewini]

Dd (10) was invited to a girl in her classes leavers party after their last day. She’s not best friends with this girl, just friends but she was excited. All the girls invited( only 8 in total ) some of the boys.

She has now been uninvited because the boy the girl fancies told his friends he fancies dd. Dd doesn’t even like this boy or care about boys in general (thank god) But the girl doesn’t want dd at her party because he will be there. Dd has since been called names and been made fun of by this girl at school.

Her mums answer when I queried was just sorry but you know what girls that age are like when it comes to boys.

I would be unreasonable to let dd have her own party here wouldnt I? Dds best friends mum is encouraging me to. We have more room and a swimming pool and I know dd is generally more liked, girl has history of being mean and upsetting people.
What if we have it this weekend, (they breakup Tuesday after) inviting the other girls but obviously not the one who’s been mean to her? I

I agree. It’s a party on a different day that this girl isn’t invited to. Just like your DD isn’t invited to the other one. I always think it’s weird what we expect children to put up with “oh just invite your DD’s bully to her party, it’s really mean not to”. No. Fuck that.
I was bullied at school. I’m so glad my mum never said I needed to invite the bullies into my house! And I don’t care if they were ever upset at not being invited. They were horrible.

Again. What would going high mean? Let my daughter be bullied, not let her have a party to celebrate with her friends, make her invite bully to her party?

Erm because Obama did his terms? Legally they can only do two terms. Obama is loved, Trump is ridiculed. Sorry for the derail, but the IQ and EQ is just so low here. I'm out 😆 Good luck OP, hope it works out for your DD in the long run. Think hard about the lessons you're teaching.

Do it OP.

Whats this "high road" and "go high" wet-wipery going to achieve apart from zero repercussions for bullies and an honorary sainthood from "Michelle Obama"?
Your DD feeling morally superior while shes at home, not at a party that shes been disinvited to, while the girl who disinvited her is having a great time.

Screw that, go bigger, go better, and leave the bully out in the cold.

Op, unfortunately you're never going to change the views of the naysayers who expect you to invite the bully to your daughters
party, urging you to take the high road, ie:"be kind". I wholeheartedly agree with your plan and you're correct in eaving the girl out because she's a horrible bully. Concentrate on your party and I hope dd has a fantastic day. They will talk about it at the other party too so bully and bully's mum will know that she missed out. Good.

Do the pool party, not the same day/clash day but as close to the end of term as possible (day before the final day seems good).

Last day itself when your daughter is excluded, I'd offer to see if best friend would spend the afternoon with your daughter out for a treat (or 2 besties?, only if they choose/would prefer), so gives your daughter something nice to go to without poaching whole party.
I also disagree with the posters saying you should invite the mean girl into your daughter's home.

Blimey OP, there are some absolute fruitloops on this thread.

I’m with you 100%. Your DD thought she was going to a party. Then she wasn’t, through no fault of her own. So you’re organising one for her, which is what any caring parent would do if they had the means to do so.

I hope your DD has an absolutely brilliant time at her party.

I think this “go high” nonsense is the new virtue signalling. It used to be a thing on here someone would post about a rude weirdo being awful and posters would fall over themselves to berate the op for not giving the offender kindness understanding or the keys to their car etc as the offender might be sad etc. it was a really odd phenomenon.

Can you answer @freddiewini 's question before you leave?

In THIS situation, how should she "go high"? Invite the bully? Not have a party?
What?

I would definitely throw the party but let your dd decide whether she wants to invite the other girl or not.

tell her you’re happy either way.

Sooo you’re having a party this weekend… IF your daughter hadn’t been uninvited from bullies party she would have had
time with her friends celebrating the end of juniors - however she WAS uninvited so now doesn’t get to celebrate with her friends… so to fix that @freddiewini has organised her a party so that once again she CAN celebrate with her friends. Bully isn’t being invited because she is no longer op’s daughters friend… I don’t agree with anyone saying bully should be invited… what if she comes and ruins the party deliberately?!…. Also home is our safe place…. Why would OP insist this horrible boy obsessed girl is invited into her daughters safe space?!
Well done OP - you’ve taught your daughter that you’ve got her back!…. You’re teaching her that if you bully someone by excluding them then you’ll also be excluded… and that possibly other kids will decide not to come because she’s a bully - hopefully your Dd & her best friend will do something together the night of the party too.. and hopefully BF’s mother will text the other mum saying her DD won’t be going now because it’s unfair to exclude your daughter so she’s going for a Nando’s with her instead!!
I hope this other girl realises her behaviour has been shitty.. doubt though. Expect she’ll make your DD’s life hell at seniors!! I’d email the seniors and try to get them kept apart

And you ARE going high by not having it on the same day as the other party and stealing all the girls from hers to yours!
Having the party this weekend is a fair thing to do. No one is missing out on anything, just
2 non friends not inviting each other to thier parties…. Nothing wrong in that.

I doubt this mother will message you, she’d had brass balls if she does… but If she does I wouldn’t respond with a similar thing to she wrote because that would look like the whole party was revenge… instead I’d respond with something like… Oh Sally really wanted to celebrate the end of juniors with her friends, She was thrilled to be doing that at Ruby’s party, but As things changed we decided to throw her her own celebration.

I don't think anyone would invite the bully. No way. But DD could do something fun (theme park?) with three or four of the girls.

Its the small class number that is problematic.

I'd just ignore any message from the mother. I doubt there will be one unless she's the most tin earred person on the planet. I hope your daughter enjoys her party.

Hope your DD has a great party and the Bully understands to be nice in future. You reap what you sow

I’m absolutely baffled by the number of posters who have suggested that you invite your daughter’s bully to her end of year party, my mind boggles! I’d love to know if they would do that with their own children! I think you’re being absolutely more than reasonable. From me it’s a resounding YES to the party, and NO to inviting the bully. Surely this is the only sensible solution?!

or she is taught to seek revenge and put all her energy into someone who thinks very little of her

How is teaching revenge? She's having to have a separate celebration because this other girl is 'seeking revenge' due to something outwith OP's DD control, so DD is learning boundaries that she should not have to entertain anyone who who calls her nasty names. Are you saying DD shouldn't be allowed to enjoy her own party because there will be someone there putting her down and making her feel uncomfortable?

Revenge would be having a party on the same day and taking guests away from the other girls party - which is not what is happening.

Maybe the other girl will learn that actions have consequences. I wouldn't let mine exclude someone over a boy, but if my 10 year was excluded for that petty reason, you best believe I'd be ensuring she still got to attend a party to celebrate the transition.

As for your comments about how people agreeing with OP have low IQ and EQ, and are bringing up the next generation...I am highly educated and my children are good, decent people, because I've taught them compassion but also not to be walked all over. Coincidentally, my 10 year old just received a special end of year award for kindness and compassion towards others. So your remarks are both inaccurate and, dare I say it, unkind. I hope you haven't passed on your passive aggressiveness/sweeping generalisations to the next generation.

The number of women confusing “kindness” with being an utter wet wipe and doormat is actually quite concerning. This behavior doesn’t make people like you fyi.

What a great post. I utterly despair of some of the responses here, really I do.

Same especially girls - setting them up to be doormats for the Andrew Tate generation of boys 🙄. “Going high” by putting up with bad disrespectful treatment. Bring your daughters up like that if want but I’m bloody not.

I'm truly baffled.

Some posters expect the OP's daughter to extend an invite to a girl who is ostracising her? It's madness.

So far as it being obvious that only one girl will be missed from the invitations...Well, it's hardly the fault of the OP and her daughter that the class concerned is mainly male. ISTR that not all the boys in the class are being invited, so the one girl will not be the only person who doesn't have an invitation.

You’re comparing someone to (convicted felon, rapist, dictator, I could go on…) Trump, for having an opinion on a party, but also asserting the moral high ground about bullying. Uh-huh…

Shhhh they’re enjoying calling you a bad parent and you’re ruining it with calm logic

Absolutely right, but they’re having so much fun sticking the boot in while simultaneously calling the OP a bully that I’m not sure logic is going to work.

You need to teach kids especially girls to have high self esteem and higher standards for what they will put up with. They need to be careful and tough when navigating their relationships with other kids Teaching the be kind / go high nonsense they will be a lambs to the slaughter at secondary navigating year 8/9.