To tell a child-free friend not to bring a vegan meal to my BBQ?

[BBQDramaQueen]

Hosting a casual family BBQ next wknd, mostly neighbours, school mums, a few mates, nothing fancy. Got the usual sausages, burgers, chicken etc. One of my oldest friends (childfree, v into animal rights, been vegan since forever, v vocal about it) asked if she can bring her own food. I said yeah fine, no biggie.

DH now saying it’s actually rude of her and it’ll put ppl off eating their food if she’s sat there going on about lentil sausages and dead animals (his words not mine lol). He reckons if we’re hosting, she should just eat what’s provided or not come. I said she obviously can’t eat what’s provided and she wasn’t making a fuss, just asked. He thinks I should message and say no now.

Tbh she can be a bit preachy but I’d rather that than her not come. Also not sure why anyone else would care what she’s eating unless they’re being nosy? But now I’m wondering if I was too quick to say yes.

AIBU to let her bring her own food? Or is DH right that I should’ve said no and it’s a bit off to bring your own stuff to a BBQ if you don’t have allergies etc?

Goodness you’re extremely rude hosts! Just tell you’re cancelling if you’re this rude! Not only not catering to her but then thinking it might be ok to tell her she can’t even cater to herself!

I’d be mortified to be such a poor host.

Yep, agree that your dh is being a dick.

I eat meat but I think your DH is awful. I don't think you're much better to be even considering telling her she can't bring her own food.

Most people who are vegetarian/vegan and offer to bring their own food to a bbq etc. do it, not to be ‘rude’. but because they think it might make life easier for the hosts.
Also, it’s almost like you think her being child-free is why she’s able to indulge her little eccentricities. You can have children and also be vegan, in case you hadn’t realised. Who knew?!

"To quick to say yes"
You're very selfish, as is your DH.
My Dsis is a vocal vegan, I'm vegetarian, the rest are meat eaters, Dsis wouldn't bring her own food, because I'd provide a vegan meal for her, most of the meat eaters play back, if she starts, overly enjoying the meat, so it balances out.

The solutions for that include not inviting her, or speaking to her nicely about it before hand. Not being ungracious hosts.

Staggeringly rude behaviour.

I’d be interested to know how ‘preachy’ she actually is. Hosts this rude and unused to a fairly mainstream eating pattern now may not be the best judges.

Of course, she can bring her own food. She is being polite not demanding you cater for her, probably because she knows your Dh is a big twat.

We literally raise and eat our own animals. When I have vegan/vegetarian guests, I cater the whole thing as vegan/vegetarian. It’s polite and I can happily eat some lentils or halloumi. In fact, even living on a farm, we only eat meat maybe 3-4 meals a week anyway.

I agree. And if you invite her you should cater for her.

Agreed. And another one wondering what this has to do with your friend’s child-free status?

You should be providing her with food. I would never expect a vegan guest to bring their own food. She clearly knows you’re not a great host otherwise she wouldn’t have suggested it.

Tell her to bring her own BBQ as well.
She'll make a fuss about her stuff being contaminated by being in contact with grill plates that might have meat juices on them.

Your husband is a dick

You should be providing something vegan if you are inviting a vegan. She should bring something vegan to share (assuming you are a good host and she is a good guest)

If you don’t like her then YABU to invite her in the first place

If you do like her then what the actual fuck are you talking about

cringing at what a dick your husband is

She shouldn't have to bring her own food at all because if you invited her you should be making sure there are some options she can eat.

I can't believe you're actually not sure about this

Surely you are providing vegan food for her - after asking what she likes / prefers.

and surely dh will be cooking it on a different bbq.

This
But your friend will also be out of order if she starts pontificating about slaughtering animals etc whilst your other guests are tucking into hotdogs, burger etc.
Perhaps you need to have a word with her beforehand and if she does start on her soap box simply chuck her out…….sorted!

I'm child free, but eat meat, eggs, cheese etc, I must be doing it wrong 🤣

No, child free vegans should absolutely not be bringing their own food. Only child bearing ones can...and only if they are SAHM child bearing vegans. Working child bearing vegans aren't allowed to bring their own food either.... I thought everyone knew the rules.

Bit surprised that a vegan who is preachy about it would accept an invitation to a BBQ in the first place. BBQ's are about grilling meat, not lentils! I had a friend (note HAD) who went to BBQ/Steak type of restaurant and then moaned constantly about the smell of meat cooking. What the hell did she expect?!

If she would do the performative face pulling and wafting and complaining about the smell alongside comments such as "Urgh I dont know how you can eat that...." then I wouldnt have invited her in the first place.

And insists on bringing her 'fur baby' to the BBQ.

Which will obviously shit in the middle of the lawn just as guests start eating.

Your dh is a twat.

Why does her being childfree matter?

If you invite a Vegan you provide Vegan food, its not difficult just grill some veggies and don't dress the salad.
Your H is awful by the way and it sounds like neither of you like her very much

Really went for the rage bait there, OP. Should have made the ‘friend’ trans, for a real MN fury bingo-card.

She probably won't be back. It is bizarre though.

Terrible manners not to cater for someone you've invited. Your husband is an oaf.

She's being very courteous offering to bring her own food.

And if being around people who don't eat animals puts him off his food, maybe he should deploy some critical thinking and ask himself why.

(I will tell you so you can pass it on to him:

• There is no difference in the emotional capacities of, for example, dogs and cats, and pigs and cows.
• industrial farming necessitates the torture of animals who live in anguish and despair every day of their brutal lives, before they are killed in terror and panic
• We choose to do this to them - it's nutritionally unnecessary for us to eat meat. )

This feels like MN bingo:

BBQ - always contentious
Childfree friend
Vegan requirements
Arsehole husband
No replies from OP