To tell a child-free friend not to bring a vegan meal to my BBQ?

[BBQDramaQueen]

Hosting a casual family BBQ next wknd, mostly neighbours, school mums, a few mates, nothing fancy. Got the usual sausages, burgers, chicken etc. One of my oldest friends (childfree, v into animal rights, been vegan since forever, v vocal about it) asked if she can bring her own food. I said yeah fine, no biggie.

DH now saying it’s actually rude of her and it’ll put ppl off eating their food if she’s sat there going on about lentil sausages and dead animals (his words not mine lol). He reckons if we’re hosting, she should just eat what’s provided or not come. I said she obviously can’t eat what’s provided and she wasn’t making a fuss, just asked. He thinks I should message and say no now.

Tbh she can be a bit preachy but I’d rather that than her not come. Also not sure why anyone else would care what she’s eating unless they’re being nosy? But now I’m wondering if I was too quick to say yes.

AIBU to let her bring her own food? Or is DH right that I should’ve said no and it’s a bit off to bring your own stuff to a BBQ if you don’t have allergies etc?

So she's saving you the bother of having to cater for her separately and you guys are annoyed by that. Wow.

Exactly

Why is her being child free relevant to her beliefs and what she eats?

Your DH is a dick. I used to be a vegan. If someone told me I couldn't being my own food to an event where I wasn't being catered for I wouldn't bother going. I'd also seriously reconsider the friendship. What if it was an allergy? I'm a meat eater again now (health reasons, I still hate animal cruelty), but I'm Coeliac. So any gluten would make me quite ill. In her shoes I just wouldn't bother.

Your friend sounds lovely, bringing her own food. I’d make something vegan for her as well, maybe a side or a dessert, so she feels included. Not sure why her child-status is relevant here.

Regardless, tell your DH to do one. Obviously he just doesn’t like her and clearly doesn’t want her spouting her views on eating (very bloody tasty) dead meat while he’s serving up sausages and burgers to the other guests in case it puts them off (it would be a conversation-killer!). I kinda understand that but the way he’s put it is unnecessarily rude.

Absolutely this. We cater for vegan, Celiacs and a nut allergy when we host a big bbq. People might contribute snacks but we provide the bulk of the food.

Is there history of her talking about meat while people are trying to eat? If not he's being unreasonable.
If she's got track record I'd speak to her and say no conversations about meat, and if she still does it I wouldn't invite her again.

You might find that a lot of guests would welcome some vegan options. I am not vegan but like to moderate my animal fat intake and love vegan options.

Your H sounds like a complete arse - is he usually thick and crass? Or do you actually enable him, as you seem to be off on one about being child free - is this some sort of crime against BBQs?

I don't see the issue of your friend bringing her own food. She knows she won't be able to eat much of the food, so therefore is bringing her own. She's also not expecting you to cater for her dietary requirements either, which some people would do. I think your husband is being rather silly. If she is 'preachy' regarding her views, people don't need to take on her views, just be polite and respect she has a different view to you. Of course, if she can't respect others opinions/views, that's an entirely different situation.

Vegan and child free.
Drip feed wll be she parks in p&c spaces at Tesco.

No idea what being child-free has to do with anything.

I'd let her bring her own food, I don't see any harm with that at all. If her tupperware dish takes the spotlight and attention from your BBQ then your food needs work.

That aside, I can't imagine hosting a friend and not catering for her. It wouldn't be difficult to knock up a plate of nice vegan food just for her..

You both sound a bit dim, and unpleasant, to be honest.

when I host, if there is a vegan coming, I always make sure I have a vegan/veggie option. The same with guests that have intolerances (chosen or medical). My dad has been vegan for years and even on Christmas Day I do a whole extra nut roast and separate potatoes etc.

Reverse surely??

If she had kids it would be fine to tell her, but obviously her not having them means that it would be completely unreasonable to. Or something like that.

Alternatively, if you invite her, you need to cater for her. Where is she planning to cook her vegan food? Presumably not on the same barbecue as the carnivores' food. If she starts preaching, tell her to stop, that everyone knows her views and doesn't need to hear them.

Although on balance, I don't think this is real and is designed to get MN frothing on a Sunday.

• preachy vegan at a barbecue
• child free
• blatantly unreasonable DH

How considerate of your friend, offering to bring her own food so her hosts don't have to cater for her dietary requirements. If I invited my vegan friend round, I would expect to provide her with a vegan meal.

Your DH is a complete twat. He seriously thinks you should invite your friend to a party and say "sorry, I know you're vegan and that's really important to you but either you eat this burger or you're not welcome in my home"?

Yep! This sums up pretty much everything I was thinking, but much more succinctly!

I’d be starving and pissed off if that was all I was offered. If you can’t be arsed catering for me, ( or at least give me a heads up to bring my own), don’t invite me.

I’ve only ever once had this happen. All I was given was the sides of boiled peas and boiled rice, whilst everyone else tucked into hearty moussaka. I was bloody starving all evening.

Op, your friend shouldn’t have to bring her own food. You should be providing it for her. Your husband is an embarrassment.

I cannot get my head around the whole child-free thing. Bizarre. I can’t wait for OP to come back and explain why she thought that was relevant 🍿

🤔

Your husband is just plain nasty.

Your other friends are perfectly capable of handling topics of conversation that might be different to her lifestyle and he doesn’t need to set himself up as knowing better than everyone else.

I would invite your lovely friend and tell your husband to go out for the day or better still not come back.

Do you think there's something wrong with her because she doesn't have kids and doesn't eat meat? Some friend you and DH are.

Of course it's polite she offered to bring her own. She clearly knew you weren't going to be catering for her. It's not hard to provide something for vegans at a BBQ. You can get a £2 disposable one and use that to cook veg kebabs or whatever.

Your husband sounds horrible and I feel bad for your poor friend.

If she’s preachy about it then I’m with your dh. Why aren’t people seeing that’s what his issue is?

It is rude of you to invite someone with dietary needs and not cater for them. She is being polite heading this off and bringing her own and that isn’t enough for your DH?

who sounds awfuk