To tell a child-free friend not to bring a vegan meal to my BBQ?

[BBQDramaQueen]

Hosting a casual family BBQ next wknd, mostly neighbours, school mums, a few mates, nothing fancy. Got the usual sausages, burgers, chicken etc. One of my oldest friends (childfree, v into animal rights, been vegan since forever, v vocal about it) asked if she can bring her own food. I said yeah fine, no biggie.

DH now saying it’s actually rude of her and it’ll put ppl off eating their food if she’s sat there going on about lentil sausages and dead animals (his words not mine lol). He reckons if we’re hosting, she should just eat what’s provided or not come. I said she obviously can’t eat what’s provided and she wasn’t making a fuss, just asked. He thinks I should message and say no now.

Tbh she can be a bit preachy but I’d rather that than her not come. Also not sure why anyone else would care what she’s eating unless they’re being nosy? But now I’m wondering if I was too quick to say yes.

AIBU to let her bring her own food? Or is DH right that I should’ve said no and it’s a bit off to bring your own stuff to a BBQ if you don’t have allergies etc?

Why on earth did you have to mention she has no children? You obviously think that is a very significant thing to state - in this case, both you and your DH are in the wrong- him for his statement, you for your post.

Clearly a couple who think they have the perfect life/views and can’t cope with anyone who doesn’t abide by their life rules. The sort with #bekind, “thoughts and prayers” and “we’re so inclusive” posts all over SM.

Your DH is being a dick. your friend is being perfectly reasonable to bring her own food!

I was going to say your DH was unreasonable and of course she should be able to bring her own food, but then you mentioned she is child-free. Seems only reasonable she should be made to eat meat or sit it out in these circumstances.

You DH is being unreasonable. Her just eating her vegan food will not put anyone off their food. She is only unreasonable if she goes on about veganism to anyone who hasn't asked.

Come on be honest. Your husband is worried that your friend will cook up a fantastic dish that will outshine whatever you are providing. Let her bring her own.

You’d be massively unreasonable to not either cater for her or allow her to bring her own food. Of course she’s not going to eat what’s provided if she’s vegan and she’s offered to bring her own so you don’t need to worry about what she’ll eat. Your DH is being a dickhead on the matter.

She would be unreasonable if she does do any vegan preaching whilst at the BBQ.

Also, unsure on the relevance of her being child-free?

Folks, I think we’re wasting our breath/keystrokes here. OP seems to be a PaR. Post and Run.

Most of us wouldn’t invite a known Vegetarian/Vegan friend to a meal without catering for them. All the rest of preaching and husband is froth and makes for a very flaky situation.

It has absolutely nothing to do with it. Bizarre op even mentioned it! Maybe if she wasn’t childfree they’d allow her a vegan burger? Lol

Why is her being single relevant? Sound a bit patronising.

Yeah, a spoonful of side order is all she needs to avoid this dreadful “fuss”!

Your DH is being very unreasonable. If you invite a vegan to a meal then really it's unreasonable not to include a vegan option among the things you are providing (eg a separate bbq aparatus for veggies only (I love roast pepper with my burgers) but if you aren't doing that, or if the guest feels those arrangements won't work for them - eg there will be halloumi on the veggie section) then of course they will bring their own food. What kind of shitty person says "no" to that? It's saying "we are having a gathering but you will not be welcome. If you come we will not feed you, we will actively prevent you from feeding yourself, you will go hungry just to ensure you know how little you are worth to us"

Yes some vegans can be boringly preachy. Either don't invite them to things or put up with the boring bits if they are otherwise worth being friends with.

I have been in your friend's situation at a coffee morning. They did not cater for vegans at all (not even a biscuit, never mind a cake); told me I was not to bring my own and then told me 'it is so difficult being vegan isn't it?'.
Erm no. Only when hosts go out of their way to make sure there is nothing for me to eat !

Your dh ain't wrong if she's gonna be sitting there preaching, people can eat whatever the hell they like. Let her bring her meal but if she starts her shite get her told.

Oh bore off. This is such a myth.

This.

If she didn't eat something for religious reasons would your DH think the same?

If she didn't eat something for allergy reasons would your DH think the same?

As a host I'd try to accommodate a friend's needs/wants/ beliefs. If they had a serious nut allergy then no one at the meal would have nuts. Your friend has offered a way round her diet to help you out.

Veganism is various things to different people and to cause deliberate upset isn't the thing most would want to do to friends.

For some it's akin to a belief, for others a health thing, for others eating frugally, not causing CO2, land wastage etc is their motivation, for some not liking the taste/idea of eating meat.

I don't know about your friend, where they sit on the various reasons for veganism.

I've been vegan for 10 years now (after 30 of vegetarianism) Friends accept it and try to accommodate it. Sometimes we'll offer to do a dish or take a pudding/cake. Some are interested - and would like the idea but don't quite want to.

One or two are a bit arsy about milks - they know we are going but don't get anything in. I drink it black without fuss.

Your DH has put you in a bit of a spot with his intransigence.

As I see it it's just good manners. Same as conversation - let's say they've lost their dog - no decent host would bang on about dead dogs. You'd tune any conversations in so as not to cause offence or upset.

The Op said her friend was very vocal about being vegan.

Yeah right. And you believe any of this?

And as countless others have said "being vocal" about it usually arises from idiotic challenges and questioning from idiots like the OP's husband.

I don't beleive a word just pointing out the hypothetical friend is very vocal🤣

We will engage with you when you learn English. Otherwise, sit down and be quite.

Oh I dunno, there's some weird vegan people in the world that won't touch food if it's next to animal products. They're want separate grills, not even accepting theirs done first, as there was meat on it last time and the utensils have touched meat or whatever.

Sit down and be quite what?

I dunno, I have an acquaintance that introduces herself Like "hi, I'm Sophie a straight, vegan cis-woman, she/her pronouns!" 🤷‍♀️

Some people are just very self-absorbed.

😂. Muprhy's Law in action?

HA!

I don’t agree with what boarbrush said but there’s no need to be snobby about the way people talk