To tell a child-free friend not to bring a vegan meal to my BBQ?

[BBQDramaQueen]

Hosting a casual family BBQ next wknd, mostly neighbours, school mums, a few mates, nothing fancy. Got the usual sausages, burgers, chicken etc. One of my oldest friends (childfree, v into animal rights, been vegan since forever, v vocal about it) asked if she can bring her own food. I said yeah fine, no biggie.

DH now saying it’s actually rude of her and it’ll put ppl off eating their food if she’s sat there going on about lentil sausages and dead animals (his words not mine lol). He reckons if we’re hosting, she should just eat what’s provided or not come. I said she obviously can’t eat what’s provided and she wasn’t making a fuss, just asked. He thinks I should message and say no now.

Tbh she can be a bit preachy but I’d rather that than her not come. Also not sure why anyone else would care what she’s eating unless they’re being nosy? But now I’m wondering if I was too quick to say yes.

AIBU to let her bring her own food? Or is DH right that I should’ve said no and it’s a bit off to bring your own stuff to a BBQ if you don’t have allergies etc?

Not wanting her to bring her own food is weird and self-centred. Saves you preparing of paying for her food even if she were not vegan, that still saves you some money. Not wanting her to come and spend the BBQ preaching about all the non-vegans are murderous sinners, is totally fair enough if you know that is what SHE is like, not just that in your opinion that is what a stereo-typical vegan would do.

I don’t understand this - if I invite someone into my home I do my best to cook things they would like to eat. We have a whole array of allergies and dietary preferences in my family and a few weeks ago I hosted a BBQ for 20 making sure there were things that were vegan, vegetarian, egg free, and making sure options were safe for the two with nut allergies, the one with a seafood allergy, the one with the kiwi allergy, and coeliac friendly.

They are a massive pain in the arse tbh but I invited them so I cooked veggie and vegan stuff first, made sure the fish stuff was cooked last and that everything that touched the bbq was gluten free and spoons were labelled for side dishes to prevent cross contamination. I made sure there were dessert options for everyone and that everyone attending felt catered for. I did not make anyone bring their own food or feel uncomfortable.

What a terrible host your DH is

Sometimes we like to socialise and have no interest in what other people choose to eat <gasps> ----

Why don’t you just have some veggie sausages? There will surely be other people that want them

And again- does this ever actually happen? I don't eat any red meat except wild venison. I don't eat chicken, pork, crab, lobster, squid or octopus.

Unless you (general you) bang on about it , or try to make me eat any of these (" go on, it's lovely, you don't know what you're missing") you won't hear anything from me about why I don't eat.

Came to say this! I have a family member who is vegan, I wouldn’t imagine inviting them to a bbq / meal and not catering for them

This is madness. If you invite your vegan friend to the BBQ you have to provide some vegan food!

Your DH is astonishingly rude!

We would cater for her. A lot of people tend to be veggie/vegan so i would have an option available anyway. I think it's quite rude that you didn't offer to cater for her when she said she would bring her own food!

A few points really.

First, your husband is a knob who talks out of his posterior.

Second, I’m not sure what relevance your friend being child-free has to anything.

The friend didn't even say she is planning on lecturing anyone.
OP's husband came up with that.

So to now go tell har what you advised seems really over the top.

I thought making a contribution to food is generally what happens at BBQs?
I hate BBQs, so not clued up on etiquette, but I wouldn't have a problem with a vegan friend bringing their own. Have you got a spare BBQ to use for her food?

Part of being vegan is to "enlighten" people. But you could ask her not to get into it this time. I'm sure she'll be OK with that.

So your husband either hates your friend, feels he can coerce people to his view, wants to provide suitable Vegan food as a good host.
Why is her child free status relevent? Is anybody cooking their children?

YBU to invite a vegan and not cater for them. Especially as she’s a good friend. It’s not hard to make salads/buns everyone can enjoy alongside the meat and buy a pack of vegan sausages or burgers for the vegan. But sorry to say your DH sounds like a dick!

I also wanted to add that my stuffed mushrooms (albeit veggie, not vegan) were scoffed by vegetarians and meat eaters alike

The Op.said her friend was very vocal about being a vegan
Which would put me off.

If you're not going to cater for all of your guests, then yes she can bring something she can eat. If you're not going to provide anything she can eat, what is he proposing she does?

Her being preachy is another matter, and that isn't something I would accept.

The only situation in which your DH had any credibility if she has significant form for disrupting BBQ’s and pushing her animal rights agenda in a way to make those enjoying the BBQ uncomfortable.

had that ever happened, is it likely to happen?

I'd be catering for her, as a guest in my home.

I'd also be listening out for any attempt to embarrass friends for their choices, and be having a quiet word.

Your husband is being a nob.

I wouldn't be friends with a vegan and wouldn't invite them to my home. Sure as hell wouldn't cook for them. Eat what I cook and shut up about it. But I wouldn't have a problem, if they brought their own food. Or just declined an invite altogether.

If I was inviting my vegan friend to my bbq, I would get her some vegan food in, and make it for her, wouldn’t expect a guest to bring their own! Ps DH is not being nice to her

Is your dh always a complete arsehole? She’s bringing her own food, ffs - she’s making your life as easy as possible (probably on the basis she knows what a twat your dh is, so won’t be appropriately catered for, otherwise).

That’s not what I said, I said preaching about food choices is annoying. My comment relates to anyone who rams their opinion down someone else’s throat, whether they vegetarian, a vegan, sugar free, a meat eater etc. Good for you though for deciding it was targeted at only vegans and vegetarians and showing off the chip on your shoulder.

She can bring her own food but I would actually cater for her, it's not that hard.

I wouldn't find it acceptable for her to preach to other people about eating meat at a barbecue though and would ask her to keep that subject off the table.

How weird

You need to cater for the vegan guest, and make sure you do it properly, none of this using the same fork or tongs for meat and then using same utensils for vegan food.

I suggest vegan food to be cooked inside the house in the oven or grill to keep it completely separate…