To tell a child-free friend not to bring a vegan meal to my BBQ?

[BBQDramaQueen]

Hosting a casual family BBQ next wknd, mostly neighbours, school mums, a few mates, nothing fancy. Got the usual sausages, burgers, chicken etc. One of my oldest friends (childfree, v into animal rights, been vegan since forever, v vocal about it) asked if she can bring her own food. I said yeah fine, no biggie.

DH now saying it’s actually rude of her and it’ll put ppl off eating their food if she’s sat there going on about lentil sausages and dead animals (his words not mine lol). He reckons if we’re hosting, she should just eat what’s provided or not come. I said she obviously can’t eat what’s provided and she wasn’t making a fuss, just asked. He thinks I should message and say no now.

Tbh she can be a bit preachy but I’d rather that than her not come. Also not sure why anyone else would care what she’s eating unless they’re being nosy? But now I’m wondering if I was too quick to say yes.

AIBU to let her bring her own food? Or is DH right that I should’ve said no and it’s a bit off to bring your own stuff to a BBQ if you don’t have allergies etc?

Why is her child free status relevent? Is anybody cooking their children?

😂😂😂

My experience also. In my last job, i'd been there six years before anyone found out I was vegan, and as soon as they did the stupid comments started. "Think of all the animals that get killed in the fields that grow your plants". The 'preachy vegan' thing is a bit of a myth, imo.

Your husband is an idiot. Cater for the friend with a couple vegan dishes and also let her bring her own food that she can eat! What do you expect she will eat a sausage cos your husband can’t take a difference of opinion?

OF course she should bring her own food if you're not catering for her vegan-status! WTF is wrong with your husband?

I have vegan and vegetarian friends (I’m neither), if they come to my house for dinner I’d make sure they have something to eat. I wouldn’t expect them to bring their own.
The fact that your friend is offering to bring food I think is actually nice and polite, but I’d still make sure I provided something she can eat.
Your DH sounds like a bit of an idiot tbh.

As for preachy vegans, yep I’ve met 2, neither were friends of mine. I just smiled politely and found someone else to talk to (although I’d say they were talking at me rather than to me tbh). But my friends are not preachy at all.
Surely she won’t attend a bbq where she knows the majority of people are meat eaters and then start lecturing people? . If her feelings are that strong then surely she’d avoid something like this.

I cooked extra - people always like a vegetarian option as a side dish!

No idea why her being childfree is relevant, your husband is a knob, as the host you should be making sure you cater for all of your guests. HTH.

I think your DH Is being really odd! When we have a BBQ, we ask for dietary requirements and cater for vegans if there are any (e.g., cooking their food first, BBQ veg / vegan burgers, etc etc). It's so considerate of her to bring her own food as she's a guest! It seems so mean of him to tell her not to.

Of course she should be able to bring her own food. I always have a vegan option available if I am expecting a vegan guest. It isn't hard. She isn't even asking for that, she is being helpful by bringing her own. Your DH sounds a complete intolerable prick. Also why is her child bearing status relevant to this?

Your DH is entitled and weird. You are holding an event where one of your guests can't eat the food and he is offended that she wants to actually eat!

Your DH is being ridiculous. It’s very good of her to bring her own food - tbh I think a good host & hostess who invite someone they know is a vegan should provide a vegan option, just as I always do for the vegetarians in my family. When you invited her, what did you expect her to eat?

If you really feel you must, I suppose you could ask her not to go on about it to your other guests, though I’m sure they could cope.

Surely you knew what your friend was like ? You already know that she'd be banging on about dead animals and the benefits of eating plants? So I am unsure why you invited her in the first place?! If she was someone who kept her opinions to herself and not spoilt it for the other guests, then I would have said you should cater for her needs. But if she is likely to preach to your guests and make them uncomfortable I think you need to find a polite way to cancel on her. The fact that she wants to bring her own food seems to me that she's getting ready for her sermon on veganism. If it was a medical need such as an allergy i'd totally get it. There's a big difference between a medical need and a lifestyle choice. Maybe host a bbq with vegan food for her only one weekend? If you do decide to host her next weekend I hope you have a guest or two who'll have no qualms in putting her in her place if she were to get preachy. I kind of see your DH's point.

I would personally provide some vegan sausages, veggie burgers etc and id also cook those 1st to avoid any cross contamination onto her food

Perhaps your DH doesn’t want to be reminded of what he is eating, which he would be if she was present, even saying nothing? Guilty conscience maybe?

If I invited any vegan / vegetarian friends to a barbecue I would be mortified that they needed to bring their own food. Lovely of your friend to offer but it’s not difficult as a host to have a few vegan burgers / sausages available, loads of choice nowadays and plenty of plant based sauces, dressings for salad etc.

OP please send your friend this thread so she can stay away from both of you

100%. I'm not vegan but my DH is. He's never preached about it and couldn't care less what other people eat, me included yet it's always when people find out that the stupid comments start, no doubt when he's forced to explain why he doesn't want to eat animal products these people then feel like they're being judged, despite the fact they're the ones banging on about it not him. Pisses me off on his behalf!

That aside I feel like this is just an obviously goady OP trying to start arguments!

Bit off not to provide food she can eat if you want her to attend.

There's so much ignorance and intolerance in that post it's difficult to know where to start.

This. OP yabu not to provide food your guests will eat.

I am totally confused by this, can't see any issue with her bringing her own food but if I was doing the catering I would be including some veggie stuff that would be fine for vegans too. The other thing that confuses me is what does the fact she doen't have any kids got to do with it?

Your husband is an arsehole and clearly has a guilty conscience about eating animals and taking it out on her

It is not an issue over the pond. Most people in the UK would absolutely cater for vegetarian/vegan friends. The OP is in the minority here.

😂 We have vegan friends, and we did the entire barbecue vegan, and did some 'real' burgers and sausages in the oven if people were desperate for meat. Most people didn't even notice until they realised they were eating the same burgers as 'Danny and Clare', who they know are vegan.

You're hosting. It's your job to make sure there's food for her to eat.

Your husbands being a tosspot, shes not even asking you to buy anything for her (which I dont see why you shouldnt personally if you're providing for everyone else) shes willing to bring her own.

Are you suggesting she eats before she comes or something since she wont be able to eat anything you provide?

Ah so you want to ostracise her because she thinks differently- what’s your views on why the OP included the irrelevant info her friend was child free. Do you think there’s any judgement going on there? It sounds like the OP didn’t offer any vegan food so the friend said she would bring her own. By the sounds of the husband she probably would trust him not to contaminate it “for a laugh”. Unfortunately, as many vegans here attest, it’s usually non vegans who launch into a diatribe, mindlessly buying into stereotypes, demanding explanations for dietary choices, then when you do explain that’s suddenly the vegan being opinionated and mouthing off.

Do you generally have a problem with people who are different to you? Veganism is an ethical philosophy protected under the equality act as held by case law if that person holds an ethical perspective on it. Which other categories of people protected under the equality act do you have issues with and want to uninvited from social gatherings?