Stormed out of family gathering am I the holiday wrecker

[stormedoutaibu]

DH and I are early 30s, DD is 2, on a family mini break away (staying in separate accommodation to in-laws who are DH parents sister along with naughty dog and aunties)
sister very anxious about dog and DD mixing (bit aggressive and unruly large frenchie about staffie sized so DH and I have to police very carefully) and has cried a few times about it today.
FIL rolled his eyes at me earlier for insisting my DH goes to grab DD beach shoes (I didn’t go as I’m 30’weeks pregnant in a heatwave)
MIL and FIL keep bickering

went to enjoy takeaway a their Airbnb. And my DD was sent away to dance in the lounge several rooms from where the adults were sat ‘to give the dog some peace’ and to ‘go and do it in the lounge cos of the dog’
i thought about it for 5 minutes or so and then left with my daughter as this offended me but I didn’t tell DH where I had gone but told MIL I was at a park within line of sight of the air bnb
they and my husband is acting like I’ve ruined everyone’s holiday and been the 4th reason that FIL has ever cried
all honesty I’ve had enough of the whole thing them bickering and the dog being priority over my toddler

You are pregnant. It’s boiling. You should take daughter home via supermarket for lots of salads go home and set up a paddling. Leave the rest of these loutish lunatics to it (including your husband !)

@stormedoutaibu there is no way you should have to put up with this nonsense from your in laws. They complain they don't see your daughter often enough yet when they are given the opportunity to spend time with her they spend their time drinking, bickering and then send her away. Young children can be mildly irritating but to send a 2.5 year old to another room on her own is not acceptable. If they were irritated by her dancing distract her with something else but that was left to her grandad who was under the influence of alcohol. Totally messed up.
You did the right thing removing your daughter from the situation. Well done. Your husband is a disgrace. He should have been alert to the situation and not allowed his daughter to be treated as an inconvenience. Instead he ignored it and left you to deal with it. Now he is upset with you? His wife who is 30 weeks pregnant and I imagine barely functioning in this heat. No more apologies to him, instead a short sharp reminder of the facts. Who is supporting you?
Distance yourself from all of them. TBH the dog is a distraction from the real dynamics in that family. Your husband has to make clear choices. His priority has to be his heavily pregnant wife and his young daughter.

Have you had to write a thread before about SIL and her dog / the family as I am sure I recognise the family situation.

This is so spot on

It’s as others have said: the in-laws set themselves up to fail by having a reactive dog on a family holiday with a young child in the mix.
The in-laws sound as daft and unreasonable as a family mentioned in this thread just before Christmas: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5221635-to-expect-my-sil-to-keep-her-aggressive-cat-away-during-xmas

In that thread the in-laws wanted all the family to stay over for Christmas again but every year the SIL, who didn’t have children, insisted on bringing her aggressive cat, which attacked various family members including children, with her.

There is a general lack of communication with this family and big assumptions made instead of asking

dh can't find you so instead of saying - has anyone seen my wife, which at this point your mil should have said - yeah she has gone to the park. Instead he can't find you and then they assume you left as you're cross with FIL as you picked up your child after falling.

drink doesn't help

all seems very chaotic

Maybe ask them not to make assumptions and communicate with you and you do the same and tell them the dog is a problem but you're sure between you a solution can be found

Funny you posted this. Were you thinking about this thread from just before Christmas? Childless SIL insisted on bringing a an aggressive cat to stay with the in-laws every year for Christmas and the in-laws wanted all the family together. https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5221635-to-expect-my-sil-to-keep-her-aggressive-cat-away-during-xmas

Your Dh sounds as weird and wet as his father, Why wasn't he advocating for his wife and child while all these strange adults were treating you both like second class citizens ?
If your dog isn't safe around children, don't bring it on a holiday where a toddler is going to be present, put it in kennels. And why didn;t your DH find it odd that your child was banished to another room ? Put the dog in another room if it is finding things overwhelming (also don't bring the dog in the first place)

I'd have walked out too, they all sound deranged. And why is your DH upset that he didn;t know where you were when you told his mother ? why isn;t he upset with his mother, why isn;t she apologising.
As for the father crying, I'd tell him to get some therapy - that's not normal behaviour.

I would stop apologising to your husband. Ask him for an apology for letting his loopy family be so awfuland rude and ruining your holiday, and then acting as if he'd been wronged and blaming you.

As is usually the case in these scenarios, only have one side of the story to go on, which is going to be heavily exaggerated in the OPs favour. Would like to hear the other side of the tale……

Oh my, comparing a child to a dog is just my point. Yes everything does need to revolve around the child in the early years, because they literally cannot look after themselves and are helpless and vulnerable, and human life trumps that of a dog. The fact that this literally needs to be spelt out to people is all that is wrong!

It sounds like six of one and half a dozen of the other. @stormedoutaibu your narrative is really unclear and sounds crafted to paint the in-laws as horrible and you as the reasonable pregnant Defender of the Toddler but why say you “stormed out” and then claim you nicely told MIL you were taking your daughter to the park to get her out the way of the dog?

I’m struggling to work out the events and chronology but it seems you went round to eat a takeaway at the in-laws accommodation so you were all in one room for this purpose including toddler and ill disciplined, hyper dog. At some point [during meal or after meal?] DD is toddler dancing to Peppa Pig which is presumably exciting the dog. At this point lots of things could happen: SIL could take the dog for a walk, - had she finished eating? You could redirect DD to something quieter; someone else could try this and potentially offend you by interfering with your parenting when she is only adorably dancing; you could take her out to do it elsewhere but you are pregnant and struggling, your husband could do this but doesn’t; someone could ask you or your husband to do it - which is a bit peremptory; or one of them could take it upon themselves to take her out so she could dance away from the dog. They opted for the latter. Was it when dancing in the lounge that she fell and hit her head against a chair? That does sound quite energetic and might have been a lot in a crowded space with a bonkers Frenchie.

I don’t know where to start with the various cryings but it just sounds like a general mess with small poor decisions sprinkled in the mix from various quarters and not just one sided. Alcohol really won’t have helped but then you say they weren’t drunk and not many families abstain when one person is pregnant.

No advice except to perhaps send a group message saying last night was a bit of a nightmare and you suggest you all put it behind you and forget it happened.

This is probably nearer the truth but as this thread has all the things some MNetters like to froth about (in laws, childless SIL, dogs, apparently unreasonable DH) the OP obviously wrote it to get validation. So the actual truth about her actions will never be told on here.

Given the exaggerations in the post when it suits (miles away the size of the dog) and accuracy when it suits - park was 20 metres away yes I agree

i have also said many times passive silent aggression is just as awful and loud dramatic behaviour just quiet but those who do the former see the latter as much worse and judge

This just seems to be everyone has different priorities and no communication about it

It sounds like you've become the focal point for underlying issues. The alcohol won't have helped either.

I'd let it lie for now but I would not take any blame for other adults being unable to pass on a message. Also that's his family- he should be dealing with them or any issues they might have. Don't let them pass the buck because you left the situation.

In which case surely you just say serenely and with surprise that you took your daughter away so that she could dance and enjoy herself and leave the family and the dog in peace? And you ask your husband what on earth is going on with his family, are they always so over-emotional?

Just wanted to send sympathy and say I think everyone likes the idea of a small child on holiday with them, but the reality is much harder. Your PIL say they want to see your dd, but clearly have forgotten how demanding a small child is, even a well behaved one. Your dd falling over and hurting herself is typical of what happens as you quite reasonably expect all adults in the room to look out for a little one, but they don't, they just let stuff happen. In my experience, they enjoy the spectacle of the parents running around after the child, but it doesn't occur to them to pitch in and really do anything! In our family, we would never send a child this small to play in another room in a holiday place out of our sight, one of us would go with them and have food later if necessary. I hope it all calms down with this lot and there's no last damage to relationships. You don't need this sort of stress!

You say you aren't a drama queen - but your title 'stormed out' says otherwise.

She didn't swan off. She took her child to the park. They weren't welcome in the room with everyone else and the dog, so she picked a nicer option for the child.

She did say something. She told her MIL where she was going. MIL failed to pass on the message.

She isn't required to have her phone on her at all times. She was down the road at a park with her child. Pregnant women went centuries without carrying phones and wrangling other children and managed.

Me too. Afterall, the thread title is Stormed out of family gathering am I the holiday wrecker which doesn’t suggest leaving quietly.

Most essential aims of the situation in the holiday home:
To keep your DD safe, who had fallen over and was probably bouncing about among quite a large group of people in a borrowed space with food and glasses etc. around, that needed a bit of care taken;
and
To keep the dog safe, who was hot, bothered, and may have reacted or indeed got trodden on by someone.
Add the 'mostly well-oiled adults' to the mix.

Going to another room - not a good idea. Going to the park - very good idea. It will hack you off, because you were the sober one even though annoyed that you had to decide what to do, but this is all your DH needs to realise. If he has to take a role in the drama that ensued, then the best thing to do is not to join these people again until your DD, and your new baby, are a bit older and able to weigh up what's sensible or safe with a drinking party and dog. DH can go himself.

I like that men should be able to show emotions but your FIL. Trying over this maybe a little over the top. Is he okay? Is he always this dramatic?

Also, it's not just 'abstaining in solidarity with someone who's pregnant' - it's 'abstaining because of being the caretaker of a small child in with a nervous dog in a heatwave' - so somebody has to have their head screwed on.

Were you expecting the adults to want to give your DD 'company and attention' while she danced to Pippa Pig?
Really?

I was supporting you as it sounded as if they made your daughter go to the room by herself. But that's not the case. You only admitted when asked, that her grandfather actually went with her to the other room.
She wasn't isolated.
Don't let this become bigger than what it is. You're all hot and on a holiday together which can be trying, and on top of that, you're pregnant.
Look at other people's perspectives. I think there's wrongdoing in both sides.

Agree. Especially given the whole “my toddler is so cute and who wouldn’t love to watch her dancing to Peppa Pig music” comment…..

I love my DC very much but there have absolutely been times when I’d rather take a bullet to the brain than listen to the highly irritating Peppa Pig yet again. Let alone be treated to yet another show/dance when I just want to relax for a bit.

The fact OP cannot fathom why anyone wouldn’t want to watch her beloved toddler dance suggests to me there’s a very significant other side to this story.