Stormed out of family gathering am I the holiday wrecker

[stormedoutaibu]

DH and I are early 30s, DD is 2, on a family mini break away (staying in separate accommodation to in-laws who are DH parents sister along with naughty dog and aunties)
sister very anxious about dog and DD mixing (bit aggressive and unruly large frenchie about staffie sized so DH and I have to police very carefully) and has cried a few times about it today.
FIL rolled his eyes at me earlier for insisting my DH goes to grab DD beach shoes (I didn’t go as I’m 30’weeks pregnant in a heatwave)
MIL and FIL keep bickering

went to enjoy takeaway a their Airbnb. And my DD was sent away to dance in the lounge several rooms from where the adults were sat ‘to give the dog some peace’ and to ‘go and do it in the lounge cos of the dog’
i thought about it for 5 minutes or so and then left with my daughter as this offended me but I didn’t tell DH where I had gone but told MIL I was at a park within line of sight of the air bnb
they and my husband is acting like I’ve ruined everyone’s holiday and been the 4th reason that FIL has ever cried
all honesty I’ve had enough of the whole thing them bickering and the dog being priority over my toddler

This is so awful OP. It's concerning you say you want your husband's forgiveness- HE should be the one seeking YOUR forgiveness for not having your back in this shitshow! How dare he make you feel bad about this. Please don't apologise to him any more and stand firm!

Most dog people think like this sadly. Dogs come first every time, even above a baby, toddler, child. I assume most dog people don't realise how utterly selfish they come accross, because it is hard to believe anyone could be that intentionally thoughtless.

It’s not “blood”, it’s “person” vs. “animal”. You should be ashamed that you value your dogs more highly than your niece.

The only thing I can see you did wrong was to allow Peppa Pig to be heard in the vicinity of adults. Abomination is not allowed in our house if we can help it - currently it's "on holiday"

Your reaction sounds extreme

I think your husband blaming you is because he’s overwhelmed and wants everyone to get along.

if you want to move forward you will need to have a sense of humour about all this now. It was a mad situation all round like a terrible comedy show of dancing kids, dogs and drunk relations.

why not promise each other it was done with best intentions but was doomed to failure and not to do it again

Give over.
She's 30weeks pregnant, in a heatwave, looking after a small child around a reactive dog.
With her in drunken and emotional laws.
I think she deserves a blooming medal for even trying.

Apologies, as not directly related to OP's post.

@Caramelty, i appreciated reading your post.
I learnt something there.

I just think their dog and your daughter are totally incompatible. I wouldn't go anywhere for long periods with a toddler and an "aggressive and unruly" dog because it's too much stress for everyone.

If it was me I would accept that I can't go on holiday with my child and the dog together. But I imagine this is something I would accept also after having the experience you mention above!

I say this as someone who has had 4 kids and a lot of family holidays and now have holidays with other people's toddlers.
Other people's small children, unless you look after them regularly, are only tolerable for a short period. With you own you learn to ignore the noise and chaos.
I get absolutely exhausted with kids after about half an hour, especially if they are the centre of the attention.
We used to do lots of family holidays and the key is to give people space. My parents would have thrown the speaker at me if we had bloody Peppa pig playing for more than 10 seconds 😁.
It's hard work holidaying with In Laws, especially with small children and pregnancy. Next year DH goes alone.or with what will be the older child. We used to do this and it worked well.

But parents also tend to think the world needs to revolve around the child as well (I think the OP said her actual child) which isn’t right either

and passive aggressive behaviour is just as damaging as loud dramatic behavioir

I would not be begging for your DH's forgiveness or understanding. He is part of the problem, and he is going to be exactly like his pathetic parents/sister behaviour-wise if you don't nip it now.

You should be mocked by your inlaws (eye-rolling, etc)

Your daughter should not come second to a dog.

You should not be the one desperately trying to keep your daughter safe from said dog all the time - in the heat, very pregnant so not very mobile, surrounded by useless soppy drunk people

You should not be 'blamed' because your MIL didn't tell your husband where you'd gone (the park) so she didn't have to dance alone in another room. Again, because of the damn dog. I would be absolutely livid if my husband was mad at me for doing the sensible thing; not your fault your mother didn't pass on the message. If his father over-reacted to you going to the park for whatever reason, that's his problem, not yours.

Your husband is more concerned with his parents ridiculous feelings (heat, drinking) than yours who has to put up with this lot. No wonder you never wanted to holiday with them, and I'd make it clear you won't do it again.

The fact you are usually the one appeasing people, trying to keep the peace, and comforting SIL when she melts down is the exact problem here - you've taught everyone, including your husband, that your function in the family is to keep drama low and put everyone's happiness above yours. Therefore it's now your job to maintain that and when you reached your (inevitable!) limit you are the one to blame.

I stopped pleasing others when I had kids and I realised that people pleasing only ever ends up in you being the bad guy when you can't manage it all (or feeling resentful yourself and snapping). Nobody expects that of me - if my ILs want to br dramatic I take myself elsewhere. I have no problem letting my huband know that there is no "middle" in a marriage - he vowed to forsake all others when he married me. I did not agree to put up with his exhausting family. You have a limit and you've reached it because your husband didn't step up and support you earlier. You will do better going forward if instead of trying to fawn for his forgiveness you have the expectation of him wanting YOUR forgiveness for putting you in this situation.

I have a reactive dog I don't trust her with other peoples kids it is stressful as hell sometimes. SIL should have foreseen this and not taken dog if she was worried. When we went away with friends/kids/dogs we didn't bring her.

I expect everyone was on edge with this heat tbh It'll blow over

Precious Firstborn Syndrome - you might think a toddler dancing to Peppa Pig putting on a show to be validated by adults is cute - this is not always the case and yes, inevitably will wind a dog up - the one you are protecting her from.
Having a strop by flouncing - putting your husband in the middle - why else would you not have spoken to him? is what you've been called out on.
If your child has been injured whilst sent into another room, you have cause for being angry at your husband or yourself - whoever was meant to be watching her - but scooping her up without a word to your other half to go to the park is a choice. You may see it as de-escalating/being part of the solution. Others will have seen it as a drama llama/pick me/chase after me option.

I'd never go on a family holiday. It's a sure fire way of ensuring none of you ever speak to each other again.

Everyone needs to dial down the drama in this family. It's way too much.

Alcohol and small children don't mix.

Don't go on holiday with them again, it doesn't work.

Tell your DH to grow up. Holidays with his family just don't work and you won't be trying it again as it makes everyone miserable.

Peppa pig is not cute it's just bloody irritating and is like nails on a blackboard. I hated every second of it when my kids were young and wistfully thought of bacon sandwiches everytime. So glad when my kids grew out of it!

They definitely did turn a non-event into a drama. To be honest I think these in-laws are the sort who like having drama in their lives.
Details like the FIL rolling his eyes at the OP earlier in the day because she asked her partner to go and get their DD’s beach shoes say a lot.

Sounds hell. My grandparents always put their dog before their own children and grandchildren. I’d come home.

We don’t holiday with people ever. My dm has said many times that’s her last wish to holiday as a family and I just won’t. I can’t tolerate my siblings in limited doses even though we are close but I won’t. Just never do it again op.

No it doesn’t.

She s heavily pregnant, is stuck in a heatwave with a pissed up bunch of loons. And a dog that should have been left at home.

She deserves an apology from her spineless husband

IMVFHO they are controlling and they use the unruly dog as the excuse. You end up appeasing everyone. The crying is also controlling behaviour. They are absolutely bonkers, IDK how people can stand to live like that.

I’d be questioning the hell why you had to apologise to anyone including your DH, and why he’s not supporting his pregnant wife over his bonkers family?!

You told your MIL where you were going, it’s not your fault she didn’t tell your H. Your IL’s complain they don’t see enough of your DD, then bring their dog along on holiday so you all have to be on high alert, they have set themselves up to fail from getting to know her better in a calm environment because everyone’s attention is on the dog and keeping them separate so your DD doesn’t get harmed.
None of this is your fault, your IL’s unhappiness is of their own doing and I would state that I won’t be getting the blame because the stress of the dog around DD is impacting everyone from relaxing and enjoying the holiday.

Wow a whole family of drama llamas - your child seems the most mature.
You shouldn’t have left without saying anything - how childish and also potentially very worrying for your partner. Going off without phone, heavily pregnant with a toddler thank goodness you’re both ok.
You need to make this right with your husband and family - explain why you swanned off and apologise - perhaps they will apologise for their shortcomings?
You all need to chill and behave like grown ups.