Stormed out of family gathering am I the holiday wrecker

[stormedoutaibu]

DH and I are early 30s, DD is 2, on a family mini break away (staying in separate accommodation to in-laws who are DH parents sister along with naughty dog and aunties)
sister very anxious about dog and DD mixing (bit aggressive and unruly large frenchie about staffie sized so DH and I have to police very carefully) and has cried a few times about it today.
FIL rolled his eyes at me earlier for insisting my DH goes to grab DD beach shoes (I didn’t go as I’m 30’weeks pregnant in a heatwave)
MIL and FIL keep bickering

went to enjoy takeaway a their Airbnb. And my DD was sent away to dance in the lounge several rooms from where the adults were sat ‘to give the dog some peace’ and to ‘go and do it in the lounge cos of the dog’
i thought about it for 5 minutes or so and then left with my daughter as this offended me but I didn’t tell DH where I had gone but told MIL I was at a park within line of sight of the air bnb
they and my husband is acting like I’ve ruined everyone’s holiday and been the 4th reason that FIL has ever cried
all honesty I’ve had enough of the whole thing them bickering and the dog being priority over my toddler

'Roll eyes' remove yourself from the situation then, you don't banish a small child for a bit of dancing

I speak from a position of strength as a mum of two with a lovely SIL who is childless with two barky reactive doggies, which are her “babies”. I am extremely careful to give her dogs ranking with my kids - they get birthday presents, and treats when we visit them, they are mentioned in family Christmas cards. I recognise that for SIL those dogs are her outlet to be a mother, and that’s very important to her. If I treated them as “just dogs” it would be cruel given I know she’d have liked kids.

This is bat shit - dogs do not need “equal standing” with your kids, how insulting to them.

The OP’s DD trumps the dog every 👏🏻single👏🏻time 👏🏻 because she is a human being and member of the family, not what sounds like an extremely annoying pet. My BIL has a dog that he and his gf think can do no wrong and it’s the same - the dog goes away, or we don’t come - imagine risking the safety of your grandchild for a dog to be happy!

It sounds awful.
The one time I holidayed with inlaws, I realised that some people cannot grasp the concept of anyone doing anything by thereselves for even 10 minutes, and get upset if others do.

Never again!

I think you need to be much firmer with your DH @stormedoutaibu . Such as;

" That's enough now. I've come here for you and DD, put up with the dog being prioritised over our child, spent my holiday with your family, ignored eye rolls and comments.

I notice that you are not cross with your family , only with me, so your being 'in the middle' does not ring true to me. What do you think you could've done differently?

I'm prepared to draw a line under it now, but I won't discuss it again."

Do not explain yourself anymore, you've done nothing wrong.

These people aren’t getting on but want to. There’s a risk they will bond over being cross at a common enemy- the only person not in the immediate family group: you. Keep as much distance as you can and, as others have said, have some days out just your family. And never go on holiday with them again.

Don't worry OP, I get it...everyone loves a pile on early in the morning on MN. Basically in this situation you are outnumbered and the Ddog getting more attention than DD.
Your DH sounds like a bit of a wimp and you have said your apologies. Don't say anything else...if he can't see it from your point of view, don't go on holiday with them again. He can and take both DC, when baby is born, with him.
Family dynamics are always difficult, especially when it is hot and most of them have been drinking. So what if you think your DD is wonderful, that's a mothers job! Your DH should stop sulking and blaming you and work out how to make it better next time, or there won't be one.

What a bunch of silly drama llamas - all of you.

“I told MIL … she didn’t relay this info to DH straight”

How many issues does MiL usually create? Or is this isolated? I’d be furious with DH for not recognising the manipulation here whilst being angry about you removing yourself.

It does sound that you left in haste - no bag, phone, shoes or milk.

What do the aunties feel about it all?

Don't let's blame the OP for 'making a grown man cry' eh? ffs. They sound dreadful. Family holidays unless everyone has impeccable manners are a recipe for disaster. Don't ever go again.

Was a lot of drink being taken? Just can’t understand the SIL and FIL crying bit?! Poor DD and you. Are you still there?!

i understand toddlers and dogs aren’t always a great mix and toddlers can annoy dogs. Dogs can bite children.
As a dog owner I would have taken my dog for a walk whereby he would be less stressed anyway.
Dogs might be loved dearly but they are not children.

Smart. I wonder if this is exactly it to be honest

The daughter’s dog is the equivalent of their granddaughter? Say what?

Yes the dog does sound like a nightmare - but...

It is the behaviour of the PEOPLE which is the problem. Whatever issues the SIL may have, she cannot seriously be deluded enough to think her furbaby is as important as the OP's actual baby? And her parents go along with that crazy thinking?

This - my little GGD, a real cutie, loves Peppa Pig - bloody thing drives me crazy 😂

Any kids dancing around, during a meal, would send me nuts as well🤷‍♀️

Well yes, she can, if she wants. And so can they. The OP can stamp her feet but if that’s how they feel, nothing she can do to change it. They all sound like a hot mess.

Absolutely ridiculous. Dogs aren’t equivalent to human children and it does nobody any favours, including the dogs, to pretend they are. Likewise pregnant women shouldn’t have to hide and bow and scrape to people who can’t get pregnant for whatever reason.

Your dh sounds like a wet flannel and this is all a fuss over nothing. I wouldn’t be going on holiday with these in-laws again if I was you and I’d be telling dh to buck up and start putting his own dc and wife first.

I mean, that’s a bit of an overgeneralisation, isn’t it? We’ve gone away for a couple of weeks with our PILs/SILs/BILs every year for the last decade and while there’s points where it sometimes gets a bit strained, we all still have such a lovely time that we want to do it again the next year. And this is with a plethora of old folk, disabilities and babies/small children. We definitely don’t have impeccable manners either but we don’t fall out (maybe some minor eye-rolling/bickering on all sides at various points 😂). I don’t think family holidays are usually a recipe for disaster, though! Feels like this one is needlessly fraught with no-one giving anyone else any room to just be a bit annoying without it being a drama.

People drinking more than usual, a lot of heat, late pregnancy, a snappy dog, an active toddler... to be honest I don't necessarily think anyone is 'wrong' as such but I think there are differing ideas of what a 'holiday' is. You can't have a carefree, drink-as-much-as-you-want holiday when there's a young child and an unreliable dog in the mix and one participant is too pregnant to be able to take over comfortably.

I'd put all this down to experience and decide never to do it again, OP.

I have five little humans. My sister was never able to have children. Of course my children are the most important thing to me and I'd always put them first. For my sister, her dogs are the most important thing to her and she puts them first. Trying to empathise with her, I understand these dogs are her babies and I do send them Christmas presents and the like. I don't think it's unreasonable, the way she regards her dogs. They are her babies.

I do send them Christmas presents and the like. I don't think it's unreasonable, the way she regards her dogs. They are her babies.

No. They are HER PETS.

Agree with this. You need to nip his behaviour in the bud and stop bending over backwards for him.
You did a nice thing going away with his family, yet you’re still being punished. Enough is enough. Stop pandering to him. You’re 30 weeks pregnant for goodness sake— your feelings and comfort should be more important than this massive man child you’ve married.

Not to her they aren't, in terms of where they rank for her.

she had calmed down before I left, my parting words to them were ‘clearly DD is bothering dog I’m going now’ (obviously a lot friendlier)

I don't understand how this version of events goes with your description of yourself as storming out?

@darkenednights your children should be more important to your sister than her dogs!

I find it extremely concerning the way so many people seem to be deflecting “parenthood” onto pets. It is making for some very badly behaved and anti social animals. They are not the same, they will never be the same.

I explain it like this - if one of your children suddenly died (god forbid) it would be a life altering, devastating tragedy that you would never ever recover from. If one of your sister’s dogs died (which they do because they only live 8-12 years), she would be glum for a few weeks and then go out and buy another one. Do not pander to it - it’s making a societal problem worse!