For refusing to let my 5 year old call my new boyfriend “Dad” after he suggested it?

[Analgesio]

Bit of a weird one maybe. Basically I’ve been seeing my bf for about 6 months, things have been going alright and he’s started spending more time at mine, staying over now and then etc. My DC (5) gets on with him but obvs still getting used to everything, which is fine and expected.

Anyway the other day bf said to me, completely out of the blue, that he thinks it would be “better for stability” if DC started calling him Dad. I just sort of blinked at him like what?? Told him absolutely not, way too soon and felt a bit ick tbh. My child has a dad (not hugely involved but still in the picture) and even if he wasn’t I still think it’s a bit much after 6 months.

Bf seemed a bit hurt by it which confused me tbh. Said he just wants to feel like he’s “part of the family” and that DC already acts like he’s the dad anyway. I don’t really agree with that at all, he’s friendly and helpful but we’re still in early days territory and I’m not comfortable with putting labels on things like that esp when DC is so young and impressionable.

Now I’m wondering if I was a bit harsh or if I should’ve handled it differently? But honestly it felt like a big red flag to me. I mentioned it to a mate and she reckons I should be flattered he wants to step up, which just made me question myself more.

AIBU to have said no or should I have been more open to it?

So many warning signs that this bloke is trying to get his feet under your table.

Potential cocklodger and controlling vibes - I’d be getting rid based on his comments.

And please be more selective over who you bring into your young child’s life and home in future.

You said you’ve googled it.

Let me tell you I’ve been a children’s social worker for many years and it’s well known in both research and in practice that this is a common behaviour by abusers and also that the biggest risk to a child is an unrelated male in the home.

it sounds to me like you’re trying to justify your own choices.

Agree, massive red flag. I would call it a day with this bloke asap.

After 6 months, your DP has no business deciding that he would like to be your child's dad. He's looking to get his feet very much under the table and be The Man - he even said about being the man of the house!
It took almost 10 years for me to be referred to as a step-mum by my steps. That was only because I was being introduced to the others in the flat when we went to see them at university. I certainly wasn't ever called Mum! Your child has a father. Even if he doesn't see him often. Noone has the right to replace them.
I'd be wondering what the undercurrent was around him wanting to be dad so soon. What do you have e.g. job, own home etc etc that makes you so wonderful that he wants to take such a serious role in your family? Be very cautious, put the brakes on, no moving into your home, and definitely no replacement father figure for your child.

What does he think being called Dad entails?

6 months is ridiculous.

Dads take a share of financial responsibility. They have shared responsibility for discipline. A whole range of parental choices. Ideally they have longevity.

And you should lead on the progression of the relationship with your child, not him!

Either a red flag or hopeless naivety about the needs of children that actually indicates he is not Dad material.

What the hell is he thinking?!

He really isn't part of the family, six months is nothing. Your child has a father and will always have a father and doesn't need two of them. Massive massive red flag. He lacks the emotional maturity and wisdom to navigate the complexities and selflessness required in a blended family.

Very odd, he's got dodgy boundaries and little respect for you and your child.

@2025ismybestyear @vintagedog the question is valid, op also has the right to not answer it aswell. If you know what you're looking for it's not weird at all.

There is a study as old as 1992 by Margolin that showed that although mothers' boyfriends perform relatively little child care, they are responsible for substantially more child abuse than other nonparental caregivers.

Very odd I feel you have a part to play in this OP in that hes met ur DC after only 6 months and has already been staying over and formed some sort of relationship even before the 6 month mark. U need to keep it out of ur home and away from ur child. Yes date but do not involve ur child so early on, very irresponsible on ur part. What he said is of course wrong but ur actions aren't great either! Part of the reason why he is even suggesting these things is because so early on in the relationship u let him into ur home with ur child and hes sleeping over and clearly playing happy families.

Yeah, no. Id be finishing the relationship. Very strange comments…

Red flag. Things like calling your new partner dad should be entirely child led, and even then it isn’t always appropriate. It should not forced on a child by the adult, especially after such a short period of time. Would be a firm no way from me.

Nope. Dh's ex's new bf (who eventually became her dh) got my DSDs to call him dad. It confused the hell out of them and massively pissed off my dh who was still very much involved in their lives. It really upset and angered us at the time, but we had absolutely no say. You do have a say, op. It's completely inappropriate when he has a dad already.

6 months and he's talking about being the man of the house (your house!!) and dad to your child. It seems a no brainer to me. I hope you're using good contraception... but he'd be gone if it was me.

I think the child should initiate if anyone does.

the op admits that it was “too soon”

and that the reason she introduced was because she needed the boyfriends “support”

wtf. You needed tour new boyfriends “support” with regard to your DS?

He is a red flag
but the Op isn’t covering herself in glory here

For other posters info

@BoomerAllTheWay is a man and born in 1951, so 74

Ahhhh, that makes A LOT of sense with the bonkers, and frankly dangerous, comments he’s made.

That doesn’t surprise me in the slightest. I had suspected as much.

Really 6 months is when gentle, infrequent introductions would usually be happening, unless there has been a significant change in the childs life, in which case 6 months is likely too early.

No one needs a man of the house, thats just stupid. At the moment your boyfriend is a stranger, he isn’t someone your son actually knows. If there weren’t multiple red flags and in a few years your son decided he wanted to call him dad then fine, of course thats okay, but it should be child rather than adult led.

Your use of language would indicate you’re not in the UK.

Absolutely statistics prove that children are often very much at risk from unrelated men on their home.

Which is where single mums need to do a lot of due diligence before introducing a new partner to their kids life and home

Before you even realise he'll just never leave, slowly moved himself in and begin to take over every aspect of your life. Get out before it's too late.

And his terminology would indicate he’s probably on the USA so completely unaware of the culture here.

No way I would allow that. And for the record I have a wonderful stepdad who I call dad. I never met my biological father. My stepdad was with us since I was two years old and apparently it took me four years to call him dad

Thats so weird. He shouldn't be that close to your child after 6 months.
Are you completely dependent on this man? Does he pay your bills? At what point did bow down to his needs over your child's?

Or is that what's going on in his head and its bloody mental .
He obviously needs for you to set some firm boundaries .