For refusing to let my 5 year old call my new boyfriend “Dad” after he suggested it?

[Analgesio]

Bit of a weird one maybe. Basically I’ve been seeing my bf for about 6 months, things have been going alright and he’s started spending more time at mine, staying over now and then etc. My DC (5) gets on with him but obvs still getting used to everything, which is fine and expected.

Anyway the other day bf said to me, completely out of the blue, that he thinks it would be “better for stability” if DC started calling him Dad. I just sort of blinked at him like what?? Told him absolutely not, way too soon and felt a bit ick tbh. My child has a dad (not hugely involved but still in the picture) and even if he wasn’t I still think it’s a bit much after 6 months.

Bf seemed a bit hurt by it which confused me tbh. Said he just wants to feel like he’s “part of the family” and that DC already acts like he’s the dad anyway. I don’t really agree with that at all, he’s friendly and helpful but we’re still in early days territory and I’m not comfortable with putting labels on things like that esp when DC is so young and impressionable.

Now I’m wondering if I was a bit harsh or if I should’ve handled it differently? But honestly it felt like a big red flag to me. I mentioned it to a mate and she reckons I should be flattered he wants to step up, which just made me question myself more.

AIBU to have said no or should I have been more open to it?

I came on here to say the same.

His behaviour is really troubling. I’d be ending this now and it will be fascinating how he reacts to this. I will bet good money on him getting nasty about it so make sure you do it somewhere public, not at home.

You say “I’m not even sure I like him that much tbh, he’s just sort of… there?” This is something to consider when you next meet someone. Ask yourself if they are good enough for you. Why do they deserve your time. If they are still worthy a year later then ask yourself if they are good enough to meet your child.

Your child has a birth Dad. Calling a new boyfriend Dad won’t end well.

Slightly off topic but I'd have a word with your friend as well - her take that "you should be flattered he wants to" is like something from the 1940s!!

Yeah, good that he wants to commit eventually but way too soon.

Please note many of these replies are from the now-adults of kids whose mother's brought random weirdos into our homes and there's a reason why there is such a strong reaction to your original post.

He is a red flag.

So are you.

I pity the poor son, I doubt this turbulence in his life is going to end any time soon. And he clearly has a mother who puts her wants above his safety and needs.

Bloody hell OP!

At best you’ve got a cock lodger who’ll move in by stealth and totally dominate you and your son. He’s picked up ‘you weren’t in a great place..’ and manipulated that/you. Not your fault, I’m not criticising, but some men (abusive/narcissistic/predatory??etc) have a radar for this kind of thing and prey on women, sweeping in as the hero, love-bombing and manipulating and then it all goes to shit. And they’re very, very good at gaslighting, manipulating and making you feel loved and confused at the same time and eroding your self-esteem and confidence. It’s the boiling frog analogy, happening so slowly you don’t really notice (or convince yourself it’s not THAT bad)

That’s at best. At worst…. well, at worst you’re both being groomed.

Dump him and block before he’s too firmly ensconced.

I know not all men are like this, but a decent one would have known (a) it was too soon to be meeting your son/ staying over and playing happy families and (b) would have realised he’d never be dad and you do not need ‘a man of the house’ - you are MORE than capable of being your own boss.

This is a perfect illustration of why it’s best not to introduce new partners to your children too soon.

Yes, this. Do not move him in under any circumstances. That gave me the creeps a bit if I am honest. Massive overstep.

That's a massive red flag. That's not something that should ever have been his suggestion. The only person who should ever suggest/ask that is the child.

DS1 calls me Mum. I'm his step Mum. His mummy died when he was a young toddler. I came into his life as Dad's partner when he was 5. He asked when he was 10 if he could call me Mum. Only after his Granny said that she genuinely believed his Mummy would be happy that he had a Mum who loved him like her own did I agree.

It would never have been my place to suggest it. And someone suggesting it anger six months is either naive to the point of stupidity or manipulative (how much harder for the OP to ever dump him if he's daddy to her dc!)

DC already has a dad so there’s no need to start drama by suggesting DC calls anyone else dad. It should be left up to the child to decide to start calling someone that. At 6 months dating I wouldn’t have even introduced them yet and it’s definitely too early to be taking on a parenting role. TBH I’d find it very strange that he even suggested it.

Sounds like he's saying a lot of things too early in the relationship on tbe presumption that you'll agree. It gives me cocklodger/coercion vibes, the total ick. I'd end it today love, before you find yourself in too deep. I assume you have your own place. He's being a bit too quick getting his feet under the table. I don't think he want a relationship, he wants a skivvy. End it today, love, and put it down to experience.

Both these actions, definitely and urgently and at no point leave your child vulnerable with this man. It’s a well-known tactic for predators to groom single-mothers in order to gain access to their children. Please keep yourself safe too.

Jesus Christ, this is so creepy. I’d be running a millions miles away, his intentions are not good.

And why is this man spending time with your son, and sleeping in his house after only 6 months. Complete red flag on your part as well.

Safeguard your child and get this man out of his life.

I'd be running for the hills. It's not flattering at all, it's very strange. I also think you've been at fault here allowing a man be so close to your child 6 months in to a relationship.

If I was being charitable I'd say he doesn't understand the significance of that question so may equally disappear too quickly if things between you go awry and not understand the impact on your ds.

Quoting your own words back to you @Analgesio

I can't believe you've said you're going to have to think about keeping the relationship going, when in the same post, you also said

I’m not even sure I like him that much tbh, he’s just sort of… there?

Some advice for you, think about your self worth and set some boundaries in place regarding your relationship with men, your son and your family home. You are both worth more.

yep

That is filled with red flags!

Firstly, you're moving way too fast. It's too early in the relationship for him to be anything more than 'mum's friend that occasionally joins us at the park'. A boyfriend of 6 months has no place living with your child.

Secondly, he sounds unhinged. Referring to himself as the 'man of the house' and asking for your son to call him dad is creepy as fuck. You've barely even started going out.

Honestly, get rid of him. Anyone that you introduce into your son's life needs to be really carefully vetted and he fails the test.

My mum and dad got together when my sister was about 4-5. They got married when she was 6, they bought a family home together and I came along the following year.
Some time between them getting married and having me my sister decided she'd like to call him dad and he's been dad now for the best part of 40 years. Her father has seen her about 3 times since she was 4.
The big difference to here are it was her choice and they had started a new life as a family first.

Dad is a title that is earnt

Giving him the benefit of the doubt, maybe it came from a good place, but it’s hugely inappropriate.

He shouldn’t even have met your child yet, let alone spending time with him and staying over. Way too soon and unhealthy. I would be really freaked out by this suggestion and it would be relationship ending,

Slow down ffs!

Do not give him “the benefit of the doubt” Op

however I think we all know that you have zero intention of finishing this relationship.

OP, your update paints an even worse picture of what this guy is like. And if you met him at a difficult time, then it is worth remembering that men who like to control and abuse women deliberately seek out women they know are vulnerable. They are predators.

Don’t think about it, get rid ASAP. You don’t even like him that much, there is no good reason to let this go on because the longer it does, the worse it will get.

Run far and run fast for the sake of both you and your son.

This man has no boundaries and that's the least of my concerns.

🚩🚩🚩