For refusing to let my 5 year old call my new boyfriend “Dad” after he suggested it?

[Analgesio]

Bit of a weird one maybe. Basically I’ve been seeing my bf for about 6 months, things have been going alright and he’s started spending more time at mine, staying over now and then etc. My DC (5) gets on with him but obvs still getting used to everything, which is fine and expected.

Anyway the other day bf said to me, completely out of the blue, that he thinks it would be “better for stability” if DC started calling him Dad. I just sort of blinked at him like what?? Told him absolutely not, way too soon and felt a bit ick tbh. My child has a dad (not hugely involved but still in the picture) and even if he wasn’t I still think it’s a bit much after 6 months.

Bf seemed a bit hurt by it which confused me tbh. Said he just wants to feel like he’s “part of the family” and that DC already acts like he’s the dad anyway. I don’t really agree with that at all, he’s friendly and helpful but we’re still in early days territory and I’m not comfortable with putting labels on things like that esp when DC is so young and impressionable.

Now I’m wondering if I was a bit harsh or if I should’ve handled it differently? But honestly it felt like a big red flag to me. I mentioned it to a mate and she reckons I should be flattered he wants to step up, which just made me question myself more.

AIBU to have said no or should I have been more open to it?

Is your home nicer than his? Why he spends time in your home and not you at his?

I'd be very concerned about his eagerness to form such a close relationship to your DC. Just be careful OP, he could be grooming.

I personally hate when kids call their mums boyfriend dad (my 2 stepsons stepkids call them dad and it irks me)

Why? Genuine question?

you are so far removed from this kids that I can’t imagine being irked by anything!

Because to me it feels like overstepping. Im probably biased because my step dad used to hit me as a young child, my next stepdad was noncey to my sister and my 3rd stepdad (my current and last one as my mums dead) calls me his daughter which pisses me off massively. I don't do fake family names (I had a fake uncle who tried to sexually abuse me)

Get rid OP. Men you meet at a weird and vulnerable time in.life when you need stability are often the ones who have a radar for women who are vulnerable.

He shouldn't have even met your son yet. It's only happened because, by the sounds of it, you were at a low ebb. Roll things back ir better still just dump him.

Man of the house! Jesus he's honed right in on making himself indispensable hasn't he? No thanks!

Out of interest, what's going on in the rest of his life that he can try to drop into yours so easily?

Bloody. Hell.

Why is it a red flag?

@Analgesio I think he's jumped the gun tbh. Yes he is part of the family but in the role of BF.

Roll on a few years, get married or not and then maybe he could be SDad. But Dad is wrong if your DCs father is around, albeit infrequently.

Yoyr BF obviously loves you both.

Seriously @Booboobagins

good heavens

do you have children?

Good God OP. You say you dont even know if you like him that much, he's just kind of there. Why has he even been introduced to your child? No new partner should be introduced never mind staying over until you are absolutely sure and at least a year has passed. The damage that this kind of behaviour does to children is immense, boyfriends coming and going, staying over then disappearing a few months later.
Why do so many women put their own need for a man above the emotional and potentially physical wellbeing of their children? It's not okay and neither is the excuse of being in a bad place. As a mother your children should come first.

No normal person would want this. Something is off.

Bloody hell, "man of the house"/"call me dad"?

Get rid of him asap. Don't dither.

Op read every single post on this thread because I won’t rehearse the much needed berating, it’s all coming from a protective and caring place.

My advice is to find a way for him to exit your life without too much trouble because once you let men like this get their foot in the door it is often hard to get rid.

I would find a really good excuse that puts him off you rather than saying anything that might damage his ego or make him feel rejected.

I say this from a kind place because men like this often target single women with young children because it means free accommodation, bills paid, food and then there’s the authority and control they can exert over your and your child’s life to satisfy whatever depraved needs they have. It is for the latter reason he is unlikely to just go away without putting up a fight or causing you some harassment.

it is NOT uncommon for their controlling nature to manifest into mental or physical abuse. Please think of your son.

🚩 Red flag
Is @Booboobagins your bf? It’s a relationship of 6 months and your bf needs to calm down. I think that you need to examine how much “parenting” he’s doing for him to think this. It’s good that you can see that you may have not made the best decisions in hindsight and hopefully you can now see clearer.

If your son decided to call your partner bf dad then it would be up to your son and I’d expect it after years of knowing him not months or weeks depending on when he met ds. Tbh ds shouldn’t have met him before you know if this was likely to be a long term relationship and the the contact they’d have at first would be more friendly adult (like parent of their friends) rather than dad.

Better for stability if your child calls him Dad? Part of the family? Man of the house?

Wow,@Analgesio, your Boyfriend of 6 months is acting like he ‘owns the place’. This is a coercive man who feels entitled to bulldoze over your boundaries and pressure you to do things his way, including decisions involving your DC.

This would be a dealbreaker for me. Send him on his way, and next time wait much longer to introduce your child.

If you don’t have a great relationship with your sons father then it’s going to worsen if your boyfriend of only six months is not anti g your son go call him
dad!

He should never be called dad, your son has a dad

Unfortunately you have allowed this man into your child’s life far too early.

Your son really should t even have met him yet as you clearly don’t know him well enough.

I would address this by stopping him coming to your home and just having dates with him until you do actually know him.

To clarify - yes, DC met him maybe a bit sooner than ideal but I was in a weird place at the time and honestly just wanted some support. Ex is flakey as hell and I guess I let myself blur the lines too quick with new bf.

So you did what was best for you and not your son.

yeah I’ve clocked some other stuff now that’s maybe not sat right. He made a comment a few weeks ago about “being the man of the house now” and I just kinda laughed it off.

Misogyny at it's finest. Gross. You don't want your son to think this is acceptable and normal.

I’m not even sure I like him that much tbh, he’s just sort of… there?

So he's already 'useless' and doesn't do much for you or your life, but you're keeping him around? Is it because he has a penis? Seriously.

Might need to have a serious think about whether this relationship is even worth keeping going.

What on earth is there to think about? He's a misogynist who doesn't do anything for you except exist, but still thinks he's No. 1 because he's 'the man', and wants your child, who has a father, to call him 'Dad' so he can feel better about himself. After 6 months of dating you.

Gross. Boundaries blow. Red flags are waving. And you're still thinking about keeping him???

Why?!

He thinks he's the man of the house? The man of your house - the one you pay for? I don't know whether I'd laugh or cry if someone said that to me.

Let me guess - you own your own place and he rents and thinks he can move in with you because you pay for everything anyway so he wouldn't cost you any more?

All this, and you’re not even sure you like him that much?
it sounds as if you got together when you were in a low place, and your usual common sense was taking a back seat. But now you’ve woken up, at least I hope you have!

Hard not to introduce him if he’s been spending the night

This definitely a red flag

Ridiculous comment.

I think you're wrong to even be introducing a child to someone you've only been dating 6 months.

The calling him dad bit is just creepy.

I want to add OP, don't be hard on yourself about this or let it impact on how you feel about yourself. You're only human, it sounds like you were in a funny place emotionally and your judgement went a bit wonky. It can be fixed.

You can do better, and you deserve better.

Well done @Analgesio for having the perspicacity to stop, listen and reflect. I agree with many people on here about redflags but that is for you to see and handle as you see fit, but this chap is not your child's father. He belongs to you and your ex, and he is certainly not "the man of your house", if necessary, your son is... maybe time to help him pack and be on his way?