For refusing to let my 5 year old call my new boyfriend “Dad” after he suggested it?

[Analgesio]

Bit of a weird one maybe. Basically I’ve been seeing my bf for about 6 months, things have been going alright and he’s started spending more time at mine, staying over now and then etc. My DC (5) gets on with him but obvs still getting used to everything, which is fine and expected.

Anyway the other day bf said to me, completely out of the blue, that he thinks it would be “better for stability” if DC started calling him Dad. I just sort of blinked at him like what?? Told him absolutely not, way too soon and felt a bit ick tbh. My child has a dad (not hugely involved but still in the picture) and even if he wasn’t I still think it’s a bit much after 6 months.

Bf seemed a bit hurt by it which confused me tbh. Said he just wants to feel like he’s “part of the family” and that DC already acts like he’s the dad anyway. I don’t really agree with that at all, he’s friendly and helpful but we’re still in early days territory and I’m not comfortable with putting labels on things like that esp when DC is so young and impressionable.

Now I’m wondering if I was a bit harsh or if I should’ve handled it differently? But honestly it felt like a big red flag to me. I mentioned it to a mate and she reckons I should be flattered he wants to step up, which just made me question myself more.

AIBU to have said no or should I have been more open to it?

WTAF! Noooo him suggesting this is itself a red flag. To give him a huge benefit of the doubt perhaps he really enjoys playing dad and would like to be your kids dad? My friend had a BF like that, but he didn’t suggest being called dad.

I would pull things back, back away from this one. You don’t get to be dad after 6 months. He shouldn’t even be spending that much time with your child! He is dating you, not your child.

Thanks all, some of these replies have made me properly sit up tbh.

I did kinda think it was off but reading this back I’m actually a bit shocked at how many of you are saying red flag 🚩 like that’s not a term I throw around lightly but I’m seeing it now

To clarify - yes, DC met him maybe a bit sooner than ideal but I was in a weird place at the time and honestly just wanted some support. Ex is flakey as hell and I guess I let myself blur the lines too quick with new bf. But I never told him to step into any “dad” role and defo never said anything about DC calling him that

Also to the posters asking - yeah I’ve clocked some other stuff now that’s maybe not sat right. He made a comment a few weeks ago about “being the man of the house now” and I just kinda laughed it off. Feel stupid now. I’m not even sure I like him that much tbh, he’s just sort of… there?

Genuinely appreciate the honesty here, feel a bit sick thinking about how easily I could’ve brushed this off if I hadn’t posted.

Might need to have a serious think about whether this relationship is even worth keeping going.

Jesus Christ you've been together 6 months and he wants to be called dad? How long did you wait before introducing him, 5 minutes?

I don't know what's worse tbh.

You’ve been with him 6 months? How has he even met your kid? What are you playing at?

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 18 months. He met my kids 2 months ago. You waited a few weeks before his man start hanging around your kid? Jesus.

My step dad has been my step dad for 28 years. He has always been and will always be ‘David’

The guy sounds like a creep. It is not at all normal to suggest a child he’s known for 6 months calls him dad. And you are not putting your child first here, you’re putting getting this man into your bed first. He shouldn’t be staying the night with your kid there, he shouldn’t be involved in anything to do with your kid.

Next time you have a boyfriend, have some boundaries. The damage done to children due to an endless revolving door of “new dads” is just not worth it. Put your kid first.

Absolutely not. He's not your child's father, he's got one of those already, even if he's not much cop, and demanding he is called Dad is assuming authority over your child and you that he has absolutely no right to.

He sounds suspiciously like the sort who then, as part of the Man of the House bollocks, will then decide to punish your child in the way he decides he is entitled to do and exclude your child's own father from his life.

I'd put an end to everything right now for your child's physical and emotional safety and your own.

Man of the house?

Jesus! You need to end this.

Man of the House? Fuck off with that one pal. Assuming dominance over you and your child. Wrong on many levels.

What is the housing situation by the way? Does he own his own house? Do you?

What she said.

Good warning to not introduce until well after they’ve shown who they are. At least a year in my book.

I don’t call my step dad “dad” after 25 years!!! I have a dad, I don’t have two. You were totally right to say no to him. But I would be cautious of anymore things going forward..

Please do not introduce future boyfriends to your child for at least a year and there should be zero sleep overs when your child is in the house until they have known each other much longer.

You are no longer entitled to just date men. You have to vet them thoroughly, as it is your job to protect your child. This means getting to know them slowly and meeting their family and friends, at a bare minimum.

Predators often specifically pick on single mothers and children. No man who is not your child's immediate family should have any access to them or power over them outside of instances where it cannot be avoided (school for example) until you have known him years and are really truly utterly certain (as certain as anyone can be) he is not a child abuser.

Predators pick up a hundred different cues about you. Your job is to protect your child. Please do that, because the next time your child might not be so lucky.

@Analgesio

Take a step back for a while and just see him outside the house whilst you are deciding whether to continue the relationship.

Don't let your child be around him while you're undecided as it isn't fair on your son and you'll be sending the wrong message to this guy that this okay.

Personally I'd just finish it with a text message today and have a reset. This guy will not be a good addition to your DSs life and could potentially be abusive.

Huge red flag as others have said. __

What’s going on inside this guy’s head? Is it that he is ashamed to be with a woman and child when the child isn’t his? Perhaps he’d rather be in a family situation so he’s putting his preferences ahead of what’s best for the child and you. Big Red Flag.

It's wrong for your child to call him 'dad'. Six months is no time at all, it might not last and your child has a dad. It doesn't matter what your boyfriend thinks.

Exactly coupled with dad,I think it wouldn't be long before he stealthy moved in...he's a walking nightmare waiting to happen.
Get rid op

I’m more concerned with what’s going on inside OP’s head. Even if this guy goes, what happens with the next one? Poor kid being stuck around this:

Ah no OP, this is way out of line.

A good friend of mine and her young daughter, moved in with her partner after 3 years years of being together. Daughter has limited relationship with her bio father and started asking if she could call the partner ‘dad’.

The partner is a lovely, kind man and has defo become a stepfather figure but he was still cautious about it. 5 years in and she does now call him dad - it happened quite naturally once they were firmly established as a family.

In all honesty, I don’t think a decent man would ever suggest it - this should be a child-led decision.

I'm very worried for the child too.

As a starting point I’d tell him that his dad comment the other day made you aware you have moved far too fast for your child and you’d like some space and time to think about how best to proceed in regard to your son. His response will I’m sure help you decide how to proceed.

New boyfriend should not have met your son at this stage - and now you see why. He shouldn't be sleeping over either. Too much too soon. The fact that you are even questioning if it's okay for your son to call him dad is even more worrying than his suggestion that DS does. This is the nonsense that messes children up. Its not too late to turn the clock back and reset boundaries - although tbh I would run for the hills. Tell him sleep overs etc are off for now especially if DS is at home and keep your son away from him from now on.

I honestly don't think I'd want to live with another man if my DD's Dad and I ever split up - I think being able to enjoy dates out of the house on a saturday night or whatever with a babysitter would break up the monotony of parenting, and that would be fine, but I wouldn't want to live with them.

Your child is so young - enjoy these years with them in the peace and tranquility of your own space, doing things on your own terms and your own way. Get your house exactly how you like it. Make it a peaceful place where your child can play and express themselves in whatever way they want, without the presence of someone else around.

My parents separated I never ever called either new partner anything other than their Christian names. Apart from the massive red flag of him asking this why are you introducing your child to someone you seem totally indifferent to? After 6 months most people don't describe things as going 'alright' or as someone who is just there. You don't need to be in a relationship be content with your own company and/or ready for when someone worth it comes along