For refusing to let my 5 year old call my new boyfriend “Dad” after he suggested it?

[Analgesio]

Bit of a weird one maybe. Basically I’ve been seeing my bf for about 6 months, things have been going alright and he’s started spending more time at mine, staying over now and then etc. My DC (5) gets on with him but obvs still getting used to everything, which is fine and expected.

Anyway the other day bf said to me, completely out of the blue, that he thinks it would be “better for stability” if DC started calling him Dad. I just sort of blinked at him like what?? Told him absolutely not, way too soon and felt a bit ick tbh. My child has a dad (not hugely involved but still in the picture) and even if he wasn’t I still think it’s a bit much after 6 months.

Bf seemed a bit hurt by it which confused me tbh. Said he just wants to feel like he’s “part of the family” and that DC already acts like he’s the dad anyway. I don’t really agree with that at all, he’s friendly and helpful but we’re still in early days territory and I’m not comfortable with putting labels on things like that esp when DC is so young and impressionable.

Now I’m wondering if I was a bit harsh or if I should’ve handled it differently? But honestly it felt like a big red flag to me. I mentioned it to a mate and she reckons I should be flattered he wants to step up, which just made me question myself more.

AIBU to have said no or should I have been more open to it?

Ick. Massive red flag!

I had an ex who tried this, only he hadn't even met my DC. It was seriously odd. He decided we could 'compromise' and they could call him Daddy hisname. Also nope. Then he threw a massive mantrum and accused me of still being in love with their dad. Erm, nope. But he is their dad.

Long story short, I wish I'd realised then and ended things. But he'd successfully love bombed me and I was in a very bad place and was vulnerable. Ultimately we were together for a year and the DC met him once. Luckily I came to my senses before he got violent, which I'm 99% certain he would have done.

Oh and just to add whatever you do please, please do not get pregnant with him. It’s another method of trapping you/ keeping a hold of you.

How did you meet?
Have you had sex with him yet and if so how is it?
How come he ended up coming to yours to stay over?
Has he pushed to meet your son?
Did he ask if you had children early?
What kind of support has he been offering?
What does he do for work?
Does he volunteer time to spend with your child? Pick up from childcare or school?
Have you met any of his family or friends?

I don’t think it’s ever appropriate. In any situation.

I am not aware that there are studies that show men get into relationships to groom their children. I’m sure it happens but grooming can take place in school, at camps, playing sports, churches, etc.

I googled and asked if men get together with single moms to groom their kids. Here’s what came up. Try it yourself.
”No, men do not typically get together with single women as a preferred method of grooming children. "Grooming" in this context refers to the manipulative and predatory behavior used by abusers to build a relationship with a child to sexually abuse them. It is a serious form of abuse that can occur online, in person, or both.

The idea that men might use single women as a means of grooming children is not supported by any evidence and is a harmful mischaracterization of both grooming and the dynamics of family structures.

Im a single mother and would not dream of letting another man near my kids especially after 6months of casual dating.

id be extrememly worried in this situation, especially as i have daughters.

He sounds a bit weird for even suggesting any of this.

Ridiculous. She said he has spent the night. Thats how he met the child. And it sounds like he has been around the child a lot, so maybe the mother is at fault here if you believe there should be no interaction with the child. She said she’s been with him for 6 months. You expect no interaction with the child over 6 months?

No, men do not typically get together with single women as a preferred method of grooming children. "Grooming" in this context refers to the manipulative and predatory behavior used by abusers to build a relationship with a child to sexually abuse them. It is a serious form of abuse that can occur online, in person, or both. The term "social grooming" refers to a different concept, which is the act of cleaning or maintaining another individual's body or appearance.

The idea that men might use single women as a means of grooming children is not supported by any evidence and is a harmful mischaracterization of both grooming and the dynamics of family structures.

No, he doesn't get to be called dad. Doesn't really matter how useless dad actually is this isn't how it works, tell your partner to slow down or better still back off. I'm in my 50's divorced when my now 20's DS was 2.. you don't introduce children to some random other after 6 months and that person doesn't ask to be called anything other than their name or is known as 'mum's friend'
Time to rethink, put a pause on all this and evaluate what you want for yourself and your son.
I know you've said you've lent on him for support, think about what signals you're sending as it sounds a little 'desperate to have someone around' to me (apologies if that sounds harsh) and you really need to put your son at the centre of what you do.

This sounds more than casual. She said they’ve been seeing more of each other, they spend the night and sleep together. For 6 months.

Let’s put it another way then.

men target and get into relationships with single mothers in order to abuse their children.

I don’t think it’s your boyfriends place to decide that and it’s strange he even suggested it. It’s a red flag that he is upset about it. I call my stepdad dad but I led that decision. My son doesn’t call my husband dad and that’s his call.

Again, not ridiculous.
Of course no child should be made to have some man in their home after the mother has been dating briefly. This shouldn't even need pointed out.

It's far too soon to even consider that, op. You are not unreasonable to refuse and your boyfriend should see that if he thinks about it.

Just out of interest, were you a step child forced to call a step parent “dad” or “mum”

do you have any children?

You seriously need to look out for your child. It’s extremely worrying that you don’t fully seem to understand the danger in all this.

@TomatoSandwiches how the sex is is none of your business and completely irrelevant 🙄@Analgesio is presumably an adult and that's her business, the huge issue here is what is best for her small son. That is to get this man away from him.

Absolutely not! Your son already has a Dad, regardless if he's massively involved or not. Your relationship is very new, and it's way way too soon to be even consider allowing your son to call a man you or he barely knows, Dad. Your boyfriend shouldn't have even suggested this to be honest, common sense should have told him it was inappropriate. The fact he has, and then is now hurt by your reaction, suggests he has zero awareness. I would be very wary of a man, who at this stage of your relationship, is pushing for more way too soon.

red flag central.

I agree. Weird as hell @TomatoSandwiches .

So sounds like you think the mother is at fault also, right?

How long should they be dating before he can meet the child? How long before she should have the man sleep over, which she said happens? What are your guidelines?

Guess you don’t believe that there is not evidence that what you’re saying is a statistical fact. Kids are more likely to be groomed by priests, camp counselors, sports coaches, and family friends than men dating single moms.

My ex did this and it's just so stupid .

6months ? Maybe when you get married but imagine you don't work out .