For refusing to let my 5 year old call my new boyfriend “Dad” after he suggested it?

[Analgesio]

Bit of a weird one maybe. Basically I’ve been seeing my bf for about 6 months, things have been going alright and he’s started spending more time at mine, staying over now and then etc. My DC (5) gets on with him but obvs still getting used to everything, which is fine and expected.

Anyway the other day bf said to me, completely out of the blue, that he thinks it would be “better for stability” if DC started calling him Dad. I just sort of blinked at him like what?? Told him absolutely not, way too soon and felt a bit ick tbh. My child has a dad (not hugely involved but still in the picture) and even if he wasn’t I still think it’s a bit much after 6 months.

Bf seemed a bit hurt by it which confused me tbh. Said he just wants to feel like he’s “part of the family” and that DC already acts like he’s the dad anyway. I don’t really agree with that at all, he’s friendly and helpful but we’re still in early days territory and I’m not comfortable with putting labels on things like that esp when DC is so young and impressionable.

Now I’m wondering if I was a bit harsh or if I should’ve handled it differently? But honestly it felt like a big red flag to me. I mentioned it to a mate and she reckons I should be flattered he wants to step up, which just made me question myself more.

AIBU to have said no or should I have been more open to it?

@Analgesio Your boyfriend is not his dad. Dads are biological, not a social construct.

Absolutely not!y dd has known my dh since she was 6 (now 19), and she’s only ever called him by his name. I know he’d have corrected her if she’d tried to call him Dad.

Big red flag imo

the meeting /staying over is way too soon.

The calling the very new boyfriend “dad” shouldn’t be happening at all.

@Analgesio

Please double up on your contraception, and dial back on the other stuff, sounds like you have a cocklodger poised for a take over. Very few men are happy to take on a small child, unless there is a clear advantage to them for doing so, like for example a warm bed , cooked meals, washing done and a cheap place to live.

Ugh, yikes. But it shouldn't come as a surprise. And again, 6 months is nothing in terms of time invested in trying to get access to a child to abuse. Jimmy Saville revolved his entire life and career around that goal.

I think it seems to be for his own benefit (to feel part of the family) rather than for your child's benefit so it's a no from me and you weren't too harsh. Sounds a bit like future faking and he hasn't considered your child at all except about how your child relates to him.

How confusing for your child if you had agreed!

I don't think you should continue to see him. It's unsettling him trying to move in on your child like that. My daughter never called her step dad 'Dad'. She always called him by his name. She had a dad. He was a useless article but he was her actual dad.

The cocklodger scenario in bucket loads,man of the house,dad op home wouldn't be her own anymore as man of the house would be deciding everything.
Ditch him before he gets comfy.

This with bells and knobs on - was just coming on to say the same.

To me it doesn’t say controlling or narcissistic or any of the other things being suggested - it absolutely screams grooming.

Grooming you and your child to see him a safe person, positioning himself as a father figure to potentially gain access to your child alone - after all, if your DS calls him dad and he’s ‘the man of the house’, there’s nothing peculiar in him picking your son up from school, or taking him out alone to give you a break, or bathing him and putting him to bed … right?

Their mother’s boyfriend is one of the most potentially dangerous people in a young child’s life; single women with small children are specifically targeted by predators. You need to be much more cautious who you’re bringing into your sons life, OP.

I never think there is a right time for a step parent to be called dad, unless the biological parent is well out of the picture. If you had sporadic contact with your son and he started calling your exes new partner mum, then it would be awful.

Good post OP, sounds as though you are thinking things through. And no one blames you, being on your own with a child is a lonely road, especially if you have lots of single friends out living their lives. We all get that. But your life will come back in time, you will have fun and freedom again, but atm your concern needs to be making things right for your child, he has already had changes in his life, he now needs stability and consistency. He needs to have a strong capable parent who is doing the work of two parents, who has sorted out her life, is independent and grounded and is showing him the qualities you want him to grow up with.

Unfortunately as others have said, there are predatory , often socially inadequate men out there who actively search out lonely single mums for their own purposes. And their intentions can be bad news for small children. I don’t want to scare you but a terrifying number of child abuse / child murder cases involve step fathers, aka mums boyfriend.

Just take your time, if your boyfriend is worth it he is worth waiting for, and if he is worth waiting for then he will understand that your child comes first. If he doesn’t accept this then that’s another red flag for the collection.

Massive red flag. Maybe he got caught up in the moment and thought he would love it if he was your child’s dad and thinks you all would make a great family. But that’s the rose tinted glasses view. I think it’s absolutely crazy for him to have said that and expected you to be ok with it.

I’d probably dump him as I would never really stop thinking he’s a proper weirdo after that

Massive massive red flag.

Lone mothers need to have exceptionally high standards with men- the biggest risk to a child is an unrelated male.

There are men who prey on single mothers for a variety of reasons- free cleaner, sex, accomodation, meals, and access to a vulnerable child in their own home.
The only reason to ever make your child be around a boyfriend is if he would massively enhance your child's life, after a long time of dating, separately to the child, with safeguarding at the absolute forefront at all times.

Date this creep if you want, but out of your child's home.

100% it feels like lovebombing in a way, but the goal is to get a closer bond with her son

Like best case scenario here is that he just doesn't get how inappropriate it would be and how damaging for your child. This suggests a lack of emotional intelligence.

Worst case scenario he is grooming you both to accept his physical/sexual/financial/emotional/all the above abuse.

Neither would be good enough for your child.

End things, and in future, don’t introduce any boyfriend to your child for a year at the very least. Your judgement on this one has been really poor, especially if, as well as the deeply-concerning ‘Dad’ thing, he was referring to himself as ‘the man of the house’.

At six months, he isn’t ‘Dad’ or the ‘man of the house’, he’s just some bloke you’ve known for a fairly short time, and whom you’re seeing outside of your home and when your child is elsewhere. At six months, he’s still being auditioned!

The fact that he started a relationship with vunerable women is a red flag.

You introduced your utterly weird and creepy boy friend to your young son too soon because “you needed the support”

you needed your boyfriends support to parent your son?

Nothing you've described is ok. Why is this guy who you barely know sleeping in the same house as your little boy?

I would dump him for that suggestion alone and then I read your update. I really would dump him now!

Red flags galore here.

You introduced new bf way too fast. No way should he have met your kid, much less be sleeping over in a 6 months relationship.

Your son has a dad. New bf wants to shove your son's dad aside and be the only man in the picture and that screams controlling. That is not at all in your son's best interests to try to break his relationship with his dad. It would be quite harmful to him.

Do you own your own home? Does your BF rent perhaps?

You might want to do a Claire's Law check on this guy.

No, no, no.

Calling someone dad is a big deal and an honour. Dp doesn’t get to decide this, and six months is way too soon. Must step kids call their step dad by their name - Dave, Steve etc, and not dad. Calling someone dad infers that that person has parental responsibilities which he doesn’t.

I can see why your friend said what she said - dp sees this relationship as a long term fixture, - but your dc has a dad already.

He needs to be dumped (he won’t be)

You need some support and pronto in being able to parent without the “support” of a boyfriend you hardly know (you won’t)

Very very strange and the daughter has met him way too soon. Very weird when a guy wants to move things along so quickly