For refusing to let my 5 year old call my new boyfriend “Dad” after he suggested it?

[Analgesio]

Bit of a weird one maybe. Basically I’ve been seeing my bf for about 6 months, things have been going alright and he’s started spending more time at mine, staying over now and then etc. My DC (5) gets on with him but obvs still getting used to everything, which is fine and expected.

Anyway the other day bf said to me, completely out of the blue, that he thinks it would be “better for stability” if DC started calling him Dad. I just sort of blinked at him like what?? Told him absolutely not, way too soon and felt a bit ick tbh. My child has a dad (not hugely involved but still in the picture) and even if he wasn’t I still think it’s a bit much after 6 months.

Bf seemed a bit hurt by it which confused me tbh. Said he just wants to feel like he’s “part of the family” and that DC already acts like he’s the dad anyway. I don’t really agree with that at all, he’s friendly and helpful but we’re still in early days territory and I’m not comfortable with putting labels on things like that esp when DC is so young and impressionable.

Now I’m wondering if I was a bit harsh or if I should’ve handled it differently? But honestly it felt like a big red flag to me. I mentioned it to a mate and she reckons I should be flattered he wants to step up, which just made me question myself more.

AIBU to have said no or should I have been more open to it?

Absolutely not.

He needs to get in the bin. “Dad” and “Man of the house” after your DC has met him a handful of times? At best he sounds out of touch with social norms, bit more likely a controlling and love bombing creep. Either way not a good role model for your DC.

A child meeting a partner after only 6 months is a massive no and that’s on you. Honestly I’d be doing a police check on him. This could be potential grooming of your child, get DC to call him dad and it spirals from there when DC things they have to listen to and do what dad wants. Get that man away from your DC and protect them. And don’t introduce men to your children after such a short space of time.

End the relationship. It's to much to soon.

My DC had only just met my DP after we’d been together for 6 months, and then just as ‘mum’s friend’. Three years in and DC had just started referring to DP as their stepdad (their choice, DP never mentioned or pushed it). DP always praises DC’s dad in front of DC, defers to me on day to day parenting decisions, and is very clear that his role is as ‘bonus dad’, not a replacement dad. That’s how it should be - sounds like your DP doesn’t really understand his role at best, and is being boundary pushing and controlling at worst.

You’ve listened to your intuition - well done! It’s not easy once we’re already invested in a relationship. Don’t let him convince you otherwise- often when it comes to personal relationships our initial gut reaction is right.

Personally it would put me off too much to continue things but only you know the dynamics - just don’t let your guard down and protect your son above all.

He made a comment a few weeks ago about “being the man of the house now”

I'd be fucking off any man who said that to me in my own house.

"Might need to have a serious think about whether this relationship is even worth keeping going."

It's not.

Noooooo! ‘Dad’, and ‘man of the house’? Err, no mate. Op, I’d be dumping this one, seriously, too many red flags (and not my business obvs, but maybe wait longer to introduce the next one to your child?)

Such a big red flag that I would end it.

Too much, too soon, poor boundaries and sulking.

Your son is too important to surround him with anyone like this.

Absolutely no way! My DH has raised my DD1 with me since she was 3, she is 25 now. He has never asked her to call him anything other than his name. She has a dad, albeit a shit one. She does call my DH a version of Dad and has done since she was about 10 but because she asked to and we had a child together by then. We also discussed with her biological father too and he agreed. If he had suggested anything like that so soon in our relationship i would have been out of there. Very odd.

This.
try to ignore the posters piling on. What’s done is done, the most important thing is you recognise the cues NOW and move on. He is a walking red flag. You don’t need a man of the house, you need to focus on being a unit with your son.

And next time hold those boundaries stronger.

Also if you like reading, try Don’t Let Him In by Lisa Jewell.

What sort of support were you looking for from him? Has your son been on his own with him?

If this were me I'd be putting in a request under Clare's law and Sarah's law and planning my exit strategy. I hope you've not left him alone with your child? Has he moved himself in yet? Because if he hasn't already, he will. Whether you want him to or not, it'll just happen. One night staying over will become 2 and before you know it that'll be it

Man of the house, bloody knew it!!
OP your Spidey senses have now been reactivated. Have a good listen to what they are telling you.
Also, I'm really sorry, because it looks like you'll be upending your world shortly. And that's never pleasant. It's easy for us to make our judgements but it's your life. Still, better to find out now than later on when he could have really done some damage.

Very much this. And just to emphasize the really important bit:

You are no longer entitled to just date men.

That time has gone, it ended when you had a child. Or at least it's on hold until your son is old enough to have his own life and doesn't need you to be responsible for him. And 6 months is nothing. If you had got pregnant the first time you had sex with this guy, he wouldn't yet be a father. And he's going to short-cut to "dad" with a five-year-old?

Even if there's nothing sinister here, a man who casually suggests that the child of a woman he has been seeing for 6 months calls him dad has absolutely no clue about the significance of actually being a dad.

Had my step dad in my life for over 30 years and still don’t call him dad, he was around when I was about 4 and my sister was a baby and neither of us call him dad

Might need to have a serious think about whether this relationship is even worth keeping going.

Being blunt Op it should be so obvious that there shouldn't be any need to have a serious think.

If you need support it doesn't have to be a man!

I’d be worried about this guy possibly grooming the child by being seen as “family” or love bombing you all, to then be a cock lodger also it’s only been 6 months and he’s staying over and stuff, this is a bit irresponsible. Keep your kids safe

I'd be very creeped out tbh, its 6 months ffs.

I also was “step” mum to 4 kids previously (not married but was with their dad)

they’re real mum was very flaky and the older 3 were non contact with her but I don’t think I’d have wanted them to call me mum

This. Bin him now before he does serious damage to you and your son.

Thank you. And though OP doesn't mention how they met, predatory men are specifically targeting single mothers on dating apps.

"men who sexually offend against children are nearly four times more likely to use dating sites than non-offenders. The unit found nearly two thirds (66%) of men who sexually offended against children used dating platforms – and over one in five (22%) used them daily. "

https: // www dot childlight dot org/newsroom/when-dating-apps-turn-dangerous-2

I suspect he doesn’t like people knowing he’s not the dad when your son calls him by his mama in public. Men get weird about everyone else knowing their partner has been with someone other than him!

Please remember the greatest threat to a child’s safety is mum’s new boyfriend