To be annoyed at my friend ordering food for me?

[Imdunfer]

First occasion we agreed to meet friends at a restaurant and we turned up bang on time, to find that the husband had already ordered garlic pizza as a starter and expected us all to share it and not order starters of our own.

I particularly wanted a starter that's unique to that restaurant, and had been looking forward to it all day, and had to really stick to my guns as the husband tried to bully me into sharing the starter I didn't want.

I thought it was the husband and when we met without him there I asked what was going on with "Fred" ordering for us and she said it was just him. But it happened again recently so I'm not so sure.

Second occasion I was 10 minutes late to lunch with the wife but had texted ahead to apologise. This was the first time I have ever been late meeting her in 25 years. She had already ordered what I usually, but not always, eat and drink. It was 12.40, I hadn't made her desperately late getting lunch and she's not diabetic or anything else that would need her to eat at a particular time to within 10 minutes.

In both situations, the bill is split with each pair/ person paying half.

AIBU to be a bit annoyed? Is this some kind of weird power play, or what?
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Just get there early next time and order for them.

Any sentence that begins with "with respect" is rarely said respectfully. Just saying...

They're completely out of order you're right to be very annoyed it's just rude ordering food on your behalf even if you're late.

You could always invite them out for dinner. Turn up early order drinks, starters, mains, desserts for them you know they'll hate. See how that goes down. The husband sounds like he's not very nice person and very controlling. See how he takes it.

Similar thing happened to me last night. 5 of us went out for dinner and one decided that we should all have cheesy garlic bread and put them in the middle of the table.
I chipped in with, well i'm having caprese salad, the dirty look that she gave me was ridiculous, followed by "well you can have whatever you want" in her sarcastic tone.
Me going against the plan, just opened it up for the other three friends to all decide that they also were going to pick their own food and friend A got the garlic bread on her own, and then "tried" the food from all the other plates too.
I'm a definitely fan of sharing food with friends and trying bits of each other's but at least let me pick what I'm sharing!

And this is a group of “friends”?

That's very weird behaviour for your friend and her hubby. I've never heard of anybody ever ordering food for somebody else unless that was pre-agreed.

Sometimes my friends can be late for a meal out, but neither I, nor my other friends, would ever order for them unless they specifically asked us to!

What they did is just weird. And to try to force you to pay for garlic bread that you didn't want or order is some nasty, controlling behaviour.

Sounds like you need to set some boundaries with this couple re eating out.

Are there any other areas of the friendship where she and hubby try to railroad you?

It is weird, but next time just say your going to be late, you will order when you get there. Problem solved

I mean yes it’s weird, but I can’t say I’d lose sleep over it. Having said that, I do think I’ve ever spent the whole day looking forward to a starter.

I really wouldn't like that arrangement.

This.

In her mind she’s being helpful and thoughtful. Just tell her please don’t order food for me. Sometimes I like to try different things. If however you always order the same thing why is there a problem?

Do you still feel comfortable going to each others houses for a meal together? We have once had a bad experience with a person (and his wife) who was invited by friends to go to a restaurant together. Nor we, nor our friends ever invited that person again.

Of course it's bloody relevant!

Not to the question I asked, and it was my question. If I say your desire to know her character foibles is not relevant to my question, then it's not relevant to my question.

Is Mumsnet always this aggressive?
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It's unique to the entire area, I've never seen it anywhere else, and it's not a place I get to go to very often. I enjoy the anticipation.

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Only when posts and OP's are so ridiculous!

No they’re just ordering the cheapest things on the menu

No this is really weird and lacks boundaries.

in 1. Ok if he had ordered “for the table” for people to help themselves to garlic bread if they wanted to - and he was paying. Not ok for him to try to control what you eat or order.

in 2. Ok if she had texted to ask “do you want me to order X and Y for you”?. It wasn’t okay to go ahead with an order and expect you to pay for it.

Even if you had been later than 10
minutes, if she was hungry she could have ordered a starter for herself.

Either state a firm boundary as PP eg “please don’t order any food in future on my behalf” - or stop eating out with them.

Says the OP 😆

Heavens!!

You aren't a very nice person, are you?
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Because this poster thinks it’s relevant whether your friend is otherwise a very supportive and thoughtful friend and this is clearly just a one off?

seems very relevant to me

either way op…. It’s all very well being forthright in an anonymous chat forum. How about channeling that in to your actions in Rl

Nailed it

Ooh I don’t often recognise gaslighting when I see it.

Ordering for someone else when she has shown no interest in you doing so and are only 10 minutes late is not being helpful or considerate.
I will warrant her DH has anxiety around meals or is controlling, or both. Whatever action the friend has taken it seems to me that it’s to appease her DH, rather than due to any kindness towards OP, as why else would she try to stop her ordering the starter she wanted.

The DHs actions feels like something BIL - who has extreme anxiety about going out for meals - would do rather than just accepting he should eat at home.

@rookiemere , where are you seeing gaslighting on this thread?

gaslighting
[ˈɡaslʌɪtɪŋ]
noun
the practice of psychologically manipulating someone into questioning their own sanity, memory, or powers of reasoning: