To be annoyed at my friend ordering food for me?

[Imdunfer]

First occasion we agreed to meet friends at a restaurant and we turned up bang on time, to find that the husband had already ordered garlic pizza as a starter and expected us all to share it and not order starters of our own.

I particularly wanted a starter that's unique to that restaurant, and had been looking forward to it all day, and had to really stick to my guns as the husband tried to bully me into sharing the starter I didn't want.

I thought it was the husband and when we met without him there I asked what was going on with "Fred" ordering for us and she said it was just him. But it happened again recently so I'm not so sure.

Second occasion I was 10 minutes late to lunch with the wife but had texted ahead to apologise. This was the first time I have ever been late meeting her in 25 years. She had already ordered what I usually, but not always, eat and drink. It was 12.40, I hadn't made her desperately late getting lunch and she's not diabetic or anything else that would need her to eat at a particular time to within 10 minutes.

In both situations, the bill is split with each pair/ person paying half.

AIBU to be a bit annoyed? Is this some kind of weird power play, or what?
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@Imdunfer

Merciboc · Today 15:00
"I’ll leave you to it"

Pity she didn't do that almost five hours ago! 😉Oh well, "small mercies" and all that! 😂

Ok

In general, I really don't like people second guessing what I want as they are often wrong. But yes, it is weird, not something I'd do and not something my friends would do. Definitely need to be very firm with couple and tell them 'I'll order for myself, thanks'

Yeah I’d find that quite controlling. If I’m going out to eat I want to choose what I fancy! I met a friend once and she’d preordered me a coke, which I can’t stand and never drink!

I once had the misfortune to end up in a restaurant with a group of friends, one of whom had an utter dickhead husband. He even chose the restaurant knowing that there would be very little for me to eat there - think sushi restaurant when you have a severe food intolerance to fish - and then deliberately lied to me saying he'd been there before and it would be fine. It wasn't. Fucker. So you have my sympathies there.

All I can suggest is that if you ever find you are going to be late meeting again, then call or text in advance with specific instructions.

Habitually? She was late ONCE. In fact she makes a point of saying that she’s nearly always early. Why are people so keen to have a go at her?

It is weird, annoying and controlling behaviour.

My FIL doesn’t quite do this but he will decide whether a starter or pudding is allowed or not, as in, if he doesn’t fancy one no one else gets the choice.

I can live with that to keep the peace but he also tries to do it with drinks and I will always override him on that. He will decide that everyone will just have tap water and I will always order what I actually want!

I hate it.

We often go out as a group and we always make one particular friend order for the table. It’s great, no studying the menu, just get something you may never have tried before. I couldn’t care, but then I’d have just added to the order if I wanted something else.

Quite!

They are 'neat freaks' ie like everything on time and sorted. I think the best advice is to pre order or be clear you will order when you arrive and they can go ahead and order theirs. This makes it easier for them to pay for tgeir food/drink and you to pay for yours too x

They are 'neat freaks' ie like everything on time and sorted. I think the best advice is to pre order or be clear you will order when you arrive and they can go ahead and order theirs. This makes it easier for them to pay for tgeir food/drink and you to pay for yours too x

But but but… OP has clearly explained that the husband did not laugh and say they were bloody starving.. and he did not take it in good humour when she ordered what she wanted anyway.

you really can’t see that this is not the same situation at all?

I can’t eat garlic so I’d have shut that down immediately and the second time I’d have said I hadn’t decided what I wanted please do not order for me again. I don’t EVER split bills I always pay for what I ordered only plus tip. I’m not paying for other people of their items cost more.

I had a friend that invited me a couple of times for a meal out with her and said it was on her, after I had declined as it wasn't in my budget for that time period in my life.

Both times she ordered two mains for us to share, of her choosing, even after asking me what I fancied. This followed me saying I fancied something healthier and then she railroaded the whole ordering process and got two very carby cheesy dishes without any of the vegetables I kept saying I fancied.

I don't go out with her any more 🤣

I've read all of OP's 13 posts, but I still can't see where she actually said something to her friend, stood up for herself and said :

do you know what this is The second time this has happened and I really have got to tell you this is just not ok.

What exactly did you say to your friend, to discuss this issue?

Pity you couldn't develop a garlic intolerance or allergy. I'd have absolutely point blank refused to eat anything laced with garlic, end of, but I am garlic intolerant,

It's awful and even the smell puts me off.

I think the husband was rude, not for ordering a shared starter but for trying to talk you out of saying oh you two enjoy, and ordering yours

I think DF was probably just trying to be helpful and save time. Although I think she should have said, shall I order your usual?

I think just tell her occasionally you like something different and would prefer to order your own food.

Missing quote, will rewrite post.

The first time when it was a foursome I insisted on having the starter that I wanted even though it made the 3 others wait for their main courses while my starter was cooked.

I spoke to my friend later, made it clear that I thought it was odd behaviour by her husband and she brushed that off as "just him".

At the lunch I was late, I had kept her waiting, she ordered something she knows I have often eaten before, and she has given me immense emotional support during a very bad couple of years for me and it would have been completely inappropriate to make a fuss at that point.

Now I know that is what she will do if I'm late then in the unlikely event that I'm ever late again I'll make it clear when I text her to say I'm running late that I don't want her to order for me.

I hope that clarifies.

If you were on time and the garlic pizza was already prepared and on the table when you arrived, then they must have arrived at least 15 minutes early AND ordered way before the agreed time.
That is weird behaviour.
I would have a conversation about this weird behaviour (arriving early is ok, ordering drinks for themselfs is ok, but ordering food extra early is rude) and the second occasion (ordering food and drinks for you is rude). Make it very clear that it is weird AND rude and really rubs you up the wrong way. Call her out on her behaviour. Remind her you asked her what was up with Fred bullying you into not ordering the food you wanted and tell her she was turning into Fred.
I would stop arranging lunch dates with these people. Meet up somewhere where no food is involved. They both sound really strange.

I would say, you've been bullied before. Or have felt very disrespected or unheard at some stage.

And him ordering food/telling you what you should eat dips into that wound.

And so, you (maybe) over think situations a little, in order to protect yourself.

A couple of simple words would suffice "Looks good, but I'd prefer x" - this isn't placading anyone. It's your manners. Never mind his manners. You can only control your own.

With your friend, when confirming the time/date, also pop in "Looked at the menu, all looks good - I'm not sure what I'll have, and I'll decide when I get there".

I would say due to past bullying, you either over assert yourself or under assert yourself.

Even keel is the way to go here.

This
Really thoughtful post and I would say bang on.

I think this Op has some history of being ignored and overlooked hence the very defensive posts about how she absolutely is not a walk over.

Yabu in that you are continuing to meet with these annoying folk.

Win win - you get to order your own dessert and eat half of your friend's dessert