To be annoyed at my friend ordering food for me?

[Imdunfer]

First occasion we agreed to meet friends at a restaurant and we turned up bang on time, to find that the husband had already ordered garlic pizza as a starter and expected us all to share it and not order starters of our own.

I particularly wanted a starter that's unique to that restaurant, and had been looking forward to it all day, and had to really stick to my guns as the husband tried to bully me into sharing the starter I didn't want.

I thought it was the husband and when we met without him there I asked what was going on with "Fred" ordering for us and she said it was just him. But it happened again recently so I'm not so sure.

Second occasion I was 10 minutes late to lunch with the wife but had texted ahead to apologise. This was the first time I have ever been late meeting her in 25 years. She had already ordered what I usually, but not always, eat and drink. It was 12.40, I hadn't made her desperately late getting lunch and she's not diabetic or anything else that would need her to eat at a particular time to within 10 minutes.

In both situations, the bill is split with each pair/ person paying half.

AIBU to be a bit annoyed? Is this some kind of weird power play, or what?
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that's a pretty long time ago. I am in my 70's and my parents started taking us out to nice restaurants as a massively rare treat when I was about 5. My parents taught us how to order for ourselves (I have got older sibs) and yes my Dad would orchestrate it (Mum went first then he would ask us who knew what we wanted and then he went last and would order wine for himself and Mum) but we told the waiter what we would like with please and thank you's.

No, but if you didn't want it, and ordered a separate starter it adds to the bill.

It's the principle too though. If he wants garlic bread, he orders it for himself. Maybe some other diners don't want to have stinky breath all day.

No, I'm sorry, it's a man thing even if some women do it too. As I mentioned, men traditionally paid and so they ordered too.

I think it’s weird. In my group we’d always wait till everyone was there before ordering, seems like basic courtesy. Not waiting is like you’re more bothered about eating as fast as possible than you are about the people you’re sharing the meal with.

Only exception would be if they rang to say they were going to be seriously late and we should go ahead and order. In which case we’d either ask what they wanted us to order for them, or they’d just add their order when they arrived.

You presumably have met this very close friend of near on 3 decades many many times for lunch

and here you getting yourself frothy at the mouth over this?

And you’re assertion you’re categorically not a door mat? I heavily dispute on the basis of this op!!

On every other occasion I have arrived early. As I explained up thread, I have psychological issues with getting anywhere late. It's vanishingly rare that I do.

My friends and relations and colleagues would fall about laughing at the idea that anyone thinks I'm a doormat.

I had three people at that table expecting me just to give up ordering a starter, the husband and wife wanting their own way and my own husband not wanting me to create a scene, but I still did it.

You are missing the part where HE made a fuss over her ordering what she actually wanted, and wanted her to only have the garlic bread and pay towards it

@Imdunfer YANBU OP and I'm so glad you stood your ground with your BF's DH - he's controlling at best, but your description of his behaviour around women and "weaker" men suggests he's worse than this. Like you, I'm an adult and can order my own food - if anyone did this to me they'd get very short shrift instantly (including my own DH).

Not in my lifetime and I'm 70.

Oh come on. Lots of people have been through lots of things in their lives, including bereavement. It doesn’t give them the right to berate others for wanting to discuss anything else.

Agree with this.

Scenario one I would have ordered my own starter regardless

Scenario two I’d have maybe said to her ‘oh that’s not what I fancy, I’ll calm the waiter to see if it’s too late to change my food’ - and made it clear that I don’t want her uk do that in future.

Yep!

Posts like these absolutely baffle me. You won’t say anything face to face and yet you come here to moan about it. Use your words!!!!!

That is weird! I would have looked at them quizzically, cocked my head and said, you ordered for me? Why would you do that? Last time I looked I was a grown woman…, or something similar! Then ordered what I wanted - they can sort their incorrect order ‘for you’ themselves!

Agree. I’m nearly 60 and never come across that scenario in my life. No one - man or woman - ever decided for me what I’m eating.

@Shellyash

Very sorry for your loss, but it’s really not relevant to the OP. Not really sure why you’re taking the time to read and comment if you think it’s so trivial.

Ah so you think this power play mentality or her has been latest for the last 25 years and this has been the first opportunity to reveal her true self?! 😆

Unless my phone is deceiving me, this is the AIBU board. It is renowned for trivial matters. Perhaps you weren’t aware of that though.

It’s also infamous for being simultaneously trivial and ‘robust’, ie quite fight-club in tone, so it might not be the place for everyone on any given day to hang out (so to speak).

My friends and relations and colleagues would fall about laughing at the idea that anyone thinks I'm a doormat.

We think you are Op and we are objective and have no skin in the game!

What’s more baffling is how insistent the Op is that she’s not a doormat!

When I was widowed in my 30's and now getting to 60 and losing more friends, my opinion has shifted to the opposite of yours. Have the food you want, go to the places you want to, because next year isn't guaranteed. Eating what you want to, does matter. I get the OP's starter situation, we have a local bistro who does amazing things with black pudding, or pork bites, or harissa chicken, I'll be dammed before I swap them for garlic bread.

I had three people at that table expecting me just to give up ordering a starter, the husband and wife wanting their own way and my own husband not wanting me to create a scene, but I still did it.

So much weird about this
Also funny

oh to have been a fly on the wall when this little group get together!

Exactly. Garlic bread does give you stinky breath . Maybe Op was fancying a shag later that day and didn’t want to breathe garlic breath all over her partner. Or maybe she doesn’t wanna double carb.

Well hope you told her not tomorder for you in future.

Don't think you explained how the second situation was resolved??

Did she pay for the meal? Did you order your own food?

That was your sister, not your friend. My sister would order something she'd know I liked, my friends would probably order something they think I'd like.