DD21 upset with me AIBU or is she

[ML5]

DD21 has a BF (23) all fine no issues there. However they are off soon to a festival next month and she wants me to tell DH that she wants her BF to stay round for 2 nights. I know she’s an Adult however this is not something that DH will agree to as he’s very old school if that makes sense. I’ve told her she has to mention herself and not to tell me to mention as it’s not really down to me to. So now she’s upset with me cos I’m not “helping her out” and according to DD21 “you have ruined my night”.
So AIBU to not mention it or is DD21 being unreasonable. I do feel that it’s not fair for her to get upset with me as I feel as an Adult she should take responsibility herself and mention it.

I’m assuming if it was just up to you, then you’d be ok with it. So yes you should support your dd.
Your husband’s being ridiculous, they are adults and so long as they’re being respectful in your home ie being discreet , then your daughter should be allowed her bf to stay.

If she's old enough to have a boyfriend sleep over she's old enough to ask herself. Although why is it only the man of the house whose opinion matters? Why aren't you able to say yes? Does his opinion mean more than yours?

Why do both you and your adult DD appear worried about asking your DH a question? It seems odd that neither of you will do it. I do agree she is an adult and should be able to ask herself but if she is scared because he is or has in the past been abusive it would be understandable.

Was your husband old school with you or are these only new rules for his adult children?

I'd say you should support your daughter, it sounds like she's nervous (scared?) to tell her Dad even though it's a perfectly reasonable thing for her to be doing at her age. I don't see why you can't mention it to him.

Does she pay rent?

Given you both seem reluctant to ask him, I think you should ask. You chose to marry the the guy, she didn't choose him as her father.

I am not worried about asking my DH but I feel that this is something for her to do as she’s an Adult.

Well she’s 21 years old and she’s not scared of telling him she said to me she wants me to mention it so if he disagrees she will say I agreed to it

I wouldn't even ask my husband. Its half his house and half mine and if I say a certain person can visit overnight he doesn't have power of veto. What a weird arrangement.

Do you agree to it?

Maybe I am being unreasonable according to everyone’s response however why should DD place this all on me

As she is old enough to go to a festival, she is old enough to use her words / voice and not ask / make you be piggy in the middle.

She is an adult but asking you to ask your H is the behaviour of a child.
Is she mature enough to be in a relationship with this bf?
She should be asking your H and there should be a three way discussion about whether her bf is welcome to stay and what the sleeping arrangements would be if he did.

I have told her I do not agree entirely with it

Why don't you entirely agree with it?

Because our house is in the middle of repairs atm, walls are thin and I don’t feel comfortable having someone round with the state of the house right now

Because our house is in the middle of repairs atm, walls are thin and I don’t feel comfortable having someone round with the state of the house right now

Good lord why can't your 21 year old have her boyfriend to stay! Even you don't 'entirely' agree with it. Why?!

surely the decision to allow him to sleep over id 50% yours? Bit weird you assume it’s your husbands sole decision.

The whole situation is ridiculous. I'd be considering what kind of relationship you both want to have with your adult daughter once she moves out (and doesn't look back).

Will the repairs make the walls thicker?
Just because he stays for two nights it doesn't mean they will have sex

My children at that age had partners staying ON ,absolutely no discussion and shared breakfast in the morning 🤦‍♀️

Your husband is BU, she's an adult! Do you agree with him and if not, why is the decision his?
You and your DH are sending your DD mixed messages. He's not treating her as an adult and yet you're expecting her to behave like one. You both know he will say no so what's the point in her speaking to him alone?

Perhaps she thinks that, as the other homeowner (presumably) you hold more sway with her father than she does. He apparently seems to have the ultimate power of veto (for whatever reason) and she has nothing to counter that, whereas you could just say 'It's my house too and I'm fine with it' and that would be more likely to make him change his mind.

I can see her reasoning - what is his?