DD21 upset with me AIBU or is she

[ML5]

DD21 has a BF (23) all fine no issues there. However they are off soon to a festival next month and she wants me to tell DH that she wants her BF to stay round for 2 nights. I know she’s an Adult however this is not something that DH will agree to as he’s very old school if that makes sense. I’ve told her she has to mention herself and not to tell me to mention as it’s not really down to me to. So now she’s upset with me cos I’m not “helping her out” and according to DD21 “you have ruined my night”.
So AIBU to not mention it or is DD21 being unreasonable. I do feel that it’s not fair for her to get upset with me as I feel as an Adult she should take responsibility herself and mention it.

OP if you want to keep the peace why not offer them a hotel room as a treat (before/after slumming it at the festival). If your objections are just that the house isn’t in a fit state for an extra adult, that is a good compromise - he can come over for dinner or something and stay when the house is in a better condition.

What’s your DD’s situation? I would guess this will accelerate her plans to move out. Is that would you and your husband want? Sometimes kids need that extra shove to get them to fly the nest and refusing her permission to invite her own guests is a good start there.

The OP isn't asking whether the boyfriend should be allowed to stay overnight, she is asking whether the daughter should be the one who tells her father.
I think, if the daughter is old enough to be sleeping with someone, whether she is 16 or 26, she is old enough to have an adult conversation about it.
Whatever next? Does she expect her mother to provide condoms too, as she is too embarrassed?
I think the daughter needs to have a "little grow-up".

I think it depends on why telling her father is such a big deal.

If he has ruled the roost, oppressive in his old school beliefs, and been a lifelong source of fear while the OP sat alongside and never stuck up for her kids, isn’t this the Dd asking, finally, for some solidarity from her Mum?

They’re 21 and 23! Christ almighty. Are you both worried they’ll be banging all over the house??

Completely agree

Why bother asking if you are sure you are right anyway 🤣

Why do you keep bleating about your daughter being an adult when you’re not allowing her to have her boyfriend stay over? She’s not acting like an adult because you’re not treating her like one.

Good luck to your relationship once she moves out.

Personally, I would have spoken to my husband myself and tried to get him on board.

Appreciate it’s not ideal with the house renovations etc, but I would do it for my Daughter. She knows her Dad is likely to say no so she’s hoping you can try and persuade him.

I think YABU, sorry.

Your dd needs to ask both of you. So you and your dh need to discuss it like adults and make a joint decision. Are you both ok with bfs stopping yes or no? Would you feel more comfortable if he slept in a separate room? She clearly feels there’s some wiggle room so you both need to talk together and be clear. It’s not your dhs decision it’s a joint one.

But given your dd is an adult, if it’s a long term relationship it’s a bit ridiculous he can’t stop. It implys you don’t trust your dd to be respectful in your home.

This.

What is all this "mentioning"? Do you mean ask?

The reality seems to be that you don't want your daughter to have her boyfriend round, but want your husband to be the one who says no. At least own your own decisions.

But OP has made it clear she wouldn't be OK with it if it was just up to her. I think she just needs to say so. Too bad if that makes her the bad guy, at least it's honest.

You don’t get to escape “being the bad one” by putting it all on your DH either. It’s your doing too.
Why on Earth wouldn’t you have a conversation with your DH when this is fundamentally a parenting question?

She’s an adult and your reasoning is flimsy at best. Presumably this isn’t the first time she’s realised she can’t rely on you to support her when facing difficulties with her dad and this is you letting her down again.

Own your decision not to let her BF stay and your decision to not support her with her “old school” father who will also give an unreasonable and flimsy reason not to allow it, and understand that you are showing her exactly who you are. Stop relying on your DH to do your dirty work and get a bit of integrity.

It sounds more like you don’t care about her asking because she’s an adult, but you care about not being the one in the firing line and being seen to support it when DH doesn’t. That’s on you and says a lot about your family relationships, none of it good.

Stop pretending it’s your dh with the problem. You don’t want the boyfriend staying over, so there is therefore no point you raising it with your dh. It is actually pretty pathetic to pretend this is about thinking your dd should leave you out of it and just talk to your dh directly, as though he is the only one who can give the permission.

I completely understand and had the same conversation with my DD21 just last week. In our case, she asked if her BF could stay for a month as he’s between student lets (just finished degree, but doing masters from Sept and new place isn’t ready until August).

I told her that she’d have to ask DH herself. She still uses me as a human shield when it comes to difficult conversations and I’m fed up of being piggy in the middle. The irony is that DH always gives in to her, but not without grumbling to me ad nauseum. I also pointed out that DH is more likely to refuse if I ask, but will say yes if she asks directly.

Are you a religious household?
I think you should speak to DH and work out together what your united front is going to be, whether it is yes, no or with conditions like he sleeps on the sofa.

If they don’t stay with you, what are their options? I think you’re at risk of causing awkwardness and alienation to your daughter and seem unwelcoming to her BF who might become her long term partner/husband eventually. If you have religious sensitivities but are still welcoming and willing to compromise they should respect that.

I think this passive abstaining, knowing she will row with her dad while you stay out of it is not a good choice

Oh stop being so bloody stupid. Children do not write their parents off over not being allowed to have a bf over, if they did then they are the ridiculous ones.

Why should she ask him when she has already spoken to you?

Why can't you be the one to make the decision? Is it not your house too? Or if you feel it's polite to run it past him, why can't you just say 'oh, DD asked if BF could stay. I said it should be fine, but I would need to run it past you first'?

It honestly sounds like you don't get a say. And that your daughter absolutely has no say. Which is why she is trying to get you on side first, so at least there might be a chance that it could happen.

Somehow I feel, that even if there were no repairs there would be another excuse reason.

I can also see why your DD asked you to ask your DH. And your posting here has proved her right.

YANBU. I wouldn't have allowed it under my roof.

Their adults, and can make their own arrangements if they need to.

A lot of people have missed the point. They’ve just seen that you think he won’t agree and automatically assumed you’re both scared of him, he must be horrible and controlling blah blah blah….
Yanbu to expect an adult to speak to another adult about something. If she’s old enough to have a bf sleep over then she’s old enough to ask both people who own the house. Although at first you made out DH would say no but then further down you had your own reasons for not wanting an overnight guest. Are you wanting to make DH the bad guy with your DD? Otherwise if you’ve got your own reasons you could tell her no

Support your dd, you sound quite petty (or scared?). There’s obviously an authoritarian dynamic going on with your dh. My sons (same age group as your dd and bf) just say their gf’s are staying for the weekend. (Mum gf is coming over this weekend, we’ll sort ourselves out for food) is a typical convo.

You and your DH sound ridiculous. You should be able to make decisions without deferring to your DH in the first place. And if what you really wanted to say to DD was "no", have the backbone to say it yourself instead of trying to pin it on DH. Awkward for the sake of it.

Why wouldn’t you?

So like so many posters on AIBU, you were just wanting validation and are only interested in justifying rather than considering views that you are in fact BU?

Your poor daughter having to jump through all these hoops and act like everyone is doing her a favour for a such a reasonable, simple request.

Our teenage DDs are encouraged and welcomed to have friends over (boys & girls), this will be the same when they have boyfriends / girlfriends, and by the time they are 21 they absolutely will be able to sleep in a bed here with whomever they choose. I hope that they will always feel that they are welcome along with any friends or partners, and that they actually enjoy spending time here and with us, and want to keep visiting and staying as they get older.

I can't imagine your daughter will feel the same given how difficult and unwelcoming both you and your husband are.

As well as being pretty shit for her, that also increases the likelihood she herself will end up with a manipulative or controlling or narcissistic partner because she's so desperate to get away with somebody that seems to love her and give her the independence she craves.